I clearly need to put the last journal in perspective. I first contemplated replying to each of you, but I'd be redundant in my own journal.
I do appreciate the concerns, but I want to make clear a cultural difference: on our side of the pond we tend not to seek help (counseling) for some internal tensions. We cope and do talk about it. You do not need to understand it, but being a therapist here isn't a very profitable business.
Next, I want to make clear that I use this journal to vent... Vent when I would start a fight, but can't (she was going to sleep and that's the worst moment to start a fight). I have other reasons not to start fights, but more on that later. Tensions in any relationship are normal. I accept this, my wife has a hard time with it (You'll also get to understand that later). However, look back.... When were the last times I was seriously pissed at my wife:
- March 2008
(This wasn't really pissed, just annoyed because she beat a dead horse again)
- November 2007
- May 2007
- February 2006
That's frankly not that often, and you simply get the worst case when I'm furious. Would you rather have me beat my wife, instead of writing a journal?
Anyway, if every few months there is a big fight, there is no reason to get worried. I'd be more worried if there were no fights at all, that would indicate that something is clearly wrong.
However, there are reasons why I usually give in to her. You might call it "you don't have balls", but I see it from an entirely different perspective. A perspective some of you know, because I used to have Multiply account where I could restrict the users reading what I wrote. In 2006, my wife had a nervous breakdown and did spent some days in "hospital", if you catch my drift. The part where knives are counted and you can't hurt yourself if you wanted to. I never want that to happen again. Just in case you want to know, yes, she aborted her therapy by now. No, I do not agree, but what can I do?
Now that's been said, I can play armchair psychiatrist. She's in clear lack of love and attention. She is the child of a very ugly divorce. Her mom kept her essentially as a "partner-ersatz", and her dad was demonized. You have realize that she started to see her dad again after she met me. I won't even go into the family dynamics, but both families are screwed up beyond anything I have ever seen. Oh, and by the way, her 1-year younger brother drowned in his car when he was 18 or 19.... To add insult to injury, this actually brought a bit more peace in the whole family situation.
She really is extremely scared of losing loved ones, and not being loved. That's why she is jealous of my computer because I do spend so much time with it. That's also why she is damned jealous of the cute computer science girl I mentioned in the last journal.
Her mom is entirely incapable of loving. I mean that, she's a cold-hearted bitch. Her father is a businessman and anything that doesn't touch his business doesn't interest him.... Especially not girls, after all his son is going to take over his business (Yeah, right!) At least he's got a really reasonable and nice wife now. Again, I'm getting too much into family detail...
The tensions between me and her are just really the least of her problems. I vent them and then life goes on. Really, just indulge my rants. I'm not Hans Reiser
I come from a non-broken family, where tensions were talked over, and if not resolved them by just taking time. I take all this much more lightly than she does. A fight for her is impending divorce. For me it is just like a lightning: a discharge of energy.
I hope this didn't sound too confused... I'm not really that happy I wrote this on a publicly readable forum, but I won't go back to Multiply.