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## JournalJournal: Million Monkeys

My boss has a program called "Million Monkeys" that uses the Windows UI to pound through an arbitrarily long brute-force sequence in some program installation routines... basically a generalized brute force key generator that can be pointed at a "key" field and run for several days to get a valid key.

So there's often discussions about the classic Shakespeare question; if a million monkeys sat in front of a million typewriters would they eventually produce the complete works of Shakespeare?

It's a fun question.

Here's some point's of view;

Yes. Well, if you assume the example of the keygen program fits for larger field sizes, then absolutely yes. True random, or sequential tries would eventually produce the desired results, as long as you have an arbitrarily long length of time to get there.

Also, interestingly enough there's a mathematical proof out there that says any specific string of arbitrarily long length exists in the numbers after the decimal points in Pi. These words, they are in there. deCSS code, it's in there. Britney's next song lyrics (before she has written it... if she writes her own songs...) is in there. So is Shakespeare. All of it. [I'll try to find a link.]

No. Shakespeare's words on typewriters are not random, monkeys (in real life) are likely to produce non-random keystrokes as well. These two non-random data sets do not intersect. Monkeys simply won't type "King Lear" (the phrase, not the play) because the word "Lear" requires a shift-L stroke, then the e, a, and r strokes in a certain order. Monkey keystrokes will be grouped in monkey-sized feet or fist groups. (Though the monkey's I've met probably would try to pry the keys up and chew on them.) So even though the randomness can be arbitrarily long, the data-set produced is always not the same data set as english words.

Push the "no" idea a little further, and the Internet can be used as a test bed to prove the point.

To begin, I start with a quote; "We used to think that a million monkeys in front of a million keyboards would eventually produce the complete works of Shakespeare, now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true." - P. Lutus.

Internet users are going to produce by far strings of characters that are FAR less random than that of monkeys. Yet, without deliberately attempting to, they haven't produced the complete works of Shakespeare.

Ok. On to the point. This quote from tbannist This quote concerning the question of AOLers producing the works of Shakespeare is incredibly funny (even though it doesn't subscribe to my same point of view).

"No, the key here is monkeys are a random string generator. You can't replace a random string generator with a stupid string generator and expect to get the same result."

## JournalJournal: Manifesto de Vivando Merde

Recently there were some 'Parting Words.' That got me thinking. Here are some "Staying Words"

Manifesto de Vivando-Merde (or, shit to live by)

(1a) Want my respect? Earn it. You will get it no other way. You will not get it because you have kids, because you are black/white/male/female/christian/fag/short/fat or anything else. You will never get any respect if you use of those things as a crutch or as a tool to get attention. You have no right to my respect, it is a gift from me to you, a reward for not being a dumbass.

(1b) If you get respect, you will know because I listen to you, I will help you, and I might watch your back. You might even get invited to lunch. But remember, you can lose my respect in a heartbeat. Just like all things in life, earning it is harder than losing it.

(2) Want to get treated like you are worth something? Do something worthwhile. Finish something before it is due, do it better, do it well, or figure out how to do something more effectively. Above all, do not inconvenience me, that makes you worth less than nothing to me, more of an obstacle, to be dealt with accordingly.

(3) Want me to be friendly to you? Shut the fuck up. I will come to you when I want to talk to someone. If I am not talking, it is because I have nothing to say to you. If I am not listening, it is not because I didn't hear, it is because you are blathering about nothing important to me. I already know what is going on with you, because you told everybody else three times already. I can hear, I can hear a lot better than you think. I can hear you breathe in the dark. What makes you think I do not already have the information I want?

(4a) If I want you to take something personally, you'll know. Trust me, you will.

(4b) If you take something personally that I did not intend for you to take that way, you are not only stupid, but also arrogant. If I meant you, you would be painfully aware I meant you. There is no need for you to assume I mean you. If I do, you will know.

(5) If you act like, or say you know something... You'd better. If not, you will be made miserable and encouraged to go elsewhere. How far you are forced to go, depends on how big your mouth is.

(6) You will get my attention when I choose to give it to you. No sooner. You have no right to my attention, you will be punished if you try to force me to give you attention. If you force me to pay attention to you, you will not want the kind of attention you get.

(7a) Never start a sentence with 'Why didn't you...' if you do not want a sarcastic answer. I do what is on my list, I do what is important to get done. I do what I consider valuable or worthwhile. None of the former includes what you want. If it should get done, it should be explained to me, quickly, accurately, and without preconceptions how it should be done. Then I will do it when things of that priority get done in the way I see fit. I have no other system.

(7b) Things will get done in the order that I see them necessary to get done. Yes, I may do them to get you to shut the fuck up, however, be aware that you just forced me to pay attention to you, and that you will suffer as a result.

(8a) Yes I make mistakes. Sometimes they are big ones that cost time or money. I learn from them. Sometimes, I learn a lot from my mistakes. Sometimes I learn nothing from them. When I learn nothing, it is because I made the mistake of trying to work while you were yammering at me. So shut your mouth and go back to work and we will ALL learn more.

(8b) I do not expect you to not make mistakes or to be perfect. However I DO expect you to learn from your mistakes. Perfection is not attainable, however it should be your goal.

(8c) If you make the same mistake twice, you were not paying attention the first time. Make it three times, and you are plain stupid.

(9) Shit breaks. Get used to it. If you are lucky I may help you fix it. However, I cannot change the fact that shit breaks. So shit will break. Get used to it. If you don't like it, you were born in the wrong universe, to fix that, kill yourself.

(10) If you do not know who is doing it, nobody is. I come to meetings to listen to what you are doing, and to share what I am doing and so we can get some things done together. Pay attention, I assume you are. There are only a few people in the building, most of them talk too much. You have no excuse for not knowing what I am doing, and no grounds for complaining that you did not know. I know what you are doing already, and I do not have to leave my office to find out. You do not know because you do not listen.

(11) Weakness is not a virtue. Stop acting like it is. Weakness makes you worth less to me, and beyond getting any respect, ever.

(12) Do not let me detect a sense of entitlement. You will get what is coming to you anyway in one way or another, you do not need to tell me what you should get. What you think you will get and what you eventually get will never be the same.

(13) Do not ask me stuff that is on our web site, on our support site, or on any web site, or newsgroup indexed by Google. At best, you are wasting my time and making yourself look stupid and lazy. I learned much of what I do and know by figuring it out myself. You should too. But I do not expect you to duplicate my effort, so will share with you what you need to know. Once.

(14) I do not care if you think you do not have time to learn by yourself. I play dumb games on the internet, I watch 8 episodes of Friends and Sponge-Bob Square-Pants every week, I mess around with my computer, I have downloaded more porn than you thought existed, I read Slashdot several times a day, and I stare off into space a lot. I STILL have enough time to learn what I need on my own. You have no excuse not to learn what you need, aside from weakness, stupidity or being lazy. This is not my problem, it is yours. Do not expect me to act like it is anything other than your problem. If you do not solve your own problems, they will follow you to your grave.

(15) If you are shown, taught or given documentation on something but don't know it tomorrow; do not be surprised if I act like you are stupid. My cat has a brain the size of a walnut, yet she knows what "NO" means and changes her behavior based on the word. If you cannot translate words on paper or in a classroom into real life actions, die now please, you are a waste of biomass that could be used for roaches or something else more useful than you are.

(16) If you do not take care of your own data, nobody will. Don't stick files in stupid places then act all surprised when they are lost. Do not take risks with your data, I don't. Do not ignore what I say when I tell you how to deal with your data. Do not complain when shit breaks and your data is gone, I told you how to keep it safe and you fucked yourself anyway. How is that my problem?

(17) I do not send you pointless emails. Read all that I send you, I promise I will make them worth your while. Respond to them or delete them, or keep them, print them, pound them up your own ass, do whatever suits you. However, you will be responsible for the information contained in them.

(18) Feel free to make judgments about me, as I will make judgments about you regardless of your wishes. Deal with it. You will be judged to my standards as I judge myself. Deal with it. I will act on my judgments. Deal with it.

(19a) Your problems are yours. Do not agonize over them in front of me. The answers are obvious to me. You are not solving them because you are weak, pathetic, or stupid. Talk too much about them, I will give you the answer, in a way you will find unpleasant or rude.

(19b) I didn't come to work today to hear about your goddamn garden, your wallpaper, your bathroom, your new car, what you did last weekend, or what that stupid fuck you married did, or how big your boyfriend's cock is. I don't give a shit about your kids, and I don't want them here, especially if they are spoiled or unsupervised. I came here to do some tasks, sometimes I do them well. Ultimately, I do this work because I can get some things done and get paid for it. Do not think for one moment I would stop and give you the time of day if I did not work with you. If you are an exception to this rule, you will know. If you are unsure... then you are not an exception to this rule.

(20) If you need to spend time/do something with your kid or family. Fine. But do not expect me to do more work due to your choice to have children or finger-fuck Christmas presents with your family. I make my own choices, I deal with them. You make your own choices, deal with them. I will not deal with your choices for you.

(21) Do not, ever, ask me to do something you would not do yourself. I will do the same for you.

(22) Do not have contradictory opinions. I will notice them. I will exploit them to make you feel as worthless or stupid as you really are. Do not think that I do not have contradictory opinions. I have them. Exploit them if you can.

(23) Do not expect me to do more than you do, even though I often do more than you do the entire week in one day. Your expectations are your own, my interaction with them will only to be to cram them back down your throat.

(24a) Do not complain about being busy. I know what you are doing, what you did, and what you ate because you are NOT busy. If you were busy, I would not know these things. If you were truly busy, you would stay later. If you were truly busy, you would be at your desk all day, not out here talking about your child, your club, you church, your car troubles, or the play you went to last week.

(24b) The only response to a high workload from you I will respect is more work, more efficient work, faster work, and more accurate work. When you are out going to that play, going to your club, or flicking your own clit, I was at home doing stupid grunt work and making up for shit you didn't do during the day. Do not expect me to be happy about that. Ever.

(25) I know when you show up, I know when you leave, I know what is on your hard drive and what you download on the internet. I know this, because you do not clean up after yourself. Generally, I do not care about these things. However, I will use them against you should I so desire. Remember, every mistake you make is another tool for me to bludgeon you with when the time comes. For your own protection, do not attack my faults if you have any of your own. I retaliate.

(26) The computer in front of you is the most complicated device you will ever encounter in your entire life. Treat it that way. I can make it work, but you might not like how I get it working. So do not break it in the first place.

(27) Do not complain about scarcity and then waste yourself. Do not whine about how much you get paid then waste company money. Do not bitch about what you think you deserve, how much memory you need, or how your computer works. If you cared about these things, you wouldn't download stupid screen savers, you would take care of your computer, you would turn out the lights and your monitor at night, you would close your window when air conditioning is on, and above all, you would be working and making some money - not complaining. The company cannot give it to you if you don't make it for them in the first place. Learn that. It may keep you from getting laid off some day. It might have kept you from getting laid off last week. (ha ha!)

(28) Do not send me jokes. There is nothing on the internet that you can find that I have not already seen. The only good an email joke does for me is give me more ammo to get you booted from the company when the time comes. Remember, I can complain just as well as you can. If management acts on your irrational whining, they will act on mine as well. Do you really want me to have that kind of power?

These are "Staying Words". They may seem harsh. The world is harsh place. Earn my respect and I will watch your back. Lose it and you are cast to the random wasteland created by your own weakness and ineptitude. Deal with it.

"If Diet Coke did not exist it would have been neccessary to invent it." -- Karl Lehenbauer

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