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Journal: i never write, except to clear the air

Journal by dextr0us

so.... in case YOU read this, i would suggest stopping right now. You asked me to do this before, and i did.

ok... i didn't.

the reason why i think i'm not as attracted anymore is i realized some stuff. You kissing that dude really hurt. Like, i thought it didn't bug me, but it does. I'm going to go find out some stuff, and i need some time on my own. I don't want to hurt you, but it kind of hurt me. I still want to be friends, just not right now. Maybe in a month, or two months. I think thats the way i feel... plus all those things i mentioned. The depression, etc... so yeah.

User Journal

Journal: whatever. 1

Journal by dextr0us

seriously.... seriously.... seriously...

this sucks.

i hate this.

people: LISTEN

just because someone is a member of the opposite sex doesn't give you the right to exclude them, from convorsations or whatever. SERIOUSLY. It pisses me off. its dishonest, and seems on the surface manipulative. whatever.

if you can tell your best friend something, you should be able to tell anyone in your "close circle" the same thing. My close circle consists of 3 girls and 2 guys. I CAN TELL ANY OF THEM ANYTHING AT ANY POINT. but, one girl in the "inner circle" can't tell me shit, because i have a penis, and because i'm attractive or something. SERIOUSLY... ITS SO ANNOYING.

User Journal

Journal: holy logging in batman

Journal by dextr0us

i havent logged into the /. in a fricking long time. What with the war and all, /. is a quick news synopsis of what i want to know. but anyways

quote of the day

"i dont care why he doesnt want to be with me, he can go to hell" -- Anna Hoyt

User Journal

Journal: annoyances.org

Journal by dextr0us

So elizebeth smart was found today, and thats pretty rad. Whats not pretty rad is that my friends think they're some kind of news outlet. That kind of gets on my nerves. IF I did hear it from you, what would i do? i'd go check out a TV and see exactly wtf is going on.

people that change their aim/msn nick to (elizebeth smart, found... and she's grand) are annoying. not that they're annoying people, its just that i dunno, it kind of bugged me for some reason.

yeah.

http://maddox.xmission.com

later
R

User Journal

Journal: to you.... and your hampster.

Journal by dextr0us

You are beautiful no matter what they say
Words won't bring you down
You are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words won't bring you down
Don't you bring me down today...

We are beautiful no matter what they say
Yes, words won't bring us down
We are beautiful no matter what they say
Yes, words can't bring us down
Don't you bring me down today

-----------------------------------------

Girl your stare, those eyes I (love it when you look at me baby)
Your lips, your smile I (love it when you kiss me baby)
Your hips, those thighs I (love it when you call me baby)
And I can't, deny I (love it when I'm witchu baby)

  wanna get away, cause you know like I know
And there's a better day, a-comin, I'm hooked on your lovin
Believe me, and when you hold my body
I know you need me, wait for me bay-bay
I've been goin half crazy for your love

THOSE ARE THE SONGS!

User Journal

Journal: i have your password.

Journal by dextr0us

seriously folks, i do. not even joking. do i really? or am i just messing with your mind. How did i know wher emy keys were? how did i know about private entries.... how did i know it had numbers?

dude.... people make me happy....

that is all.

User Journal

Journal: friends hate me

Journal by dextr0us

this is exactly what i didn't want to happen.... i thought that by talking and stuff everything was cool. It turned out to not work for some reason. It just accelerated it faster.

oh well

my friends hate me. Its back to sitting by myself in my room again.

User Journal

Journal: PIEBALD!!!! and /.'s changes

Journal by dextr0us

HOLY FRICKING AWeSOME CONCERT. i went and saw piebald yesterday. i got there late so i didn't see any of the opening bands. Usually i like to see them since they're new and up and coming (like piebald isnt :P) but i had to work till 8. IT WAS SO AWESOME. Piebald has always been one of my favorite bands, and their liveshow, its a good thing. /. killed all the karma whores!!! its awesome. no more karma rating. i think this is a good change. now its up to yourself to only post comments when you're trying to actually sound smart instead of getting karma points.

Apple

Journal: Randall, the interface whore.

Journal by dextr0us

This isn't really an apple topic, i just decided to be an interface whore and now i use apple.slashdot.org instead of normal slashdot whenever possible. I wish you had the option of seeing all news on the front page with the cooler looking slashdot gelly look, but oh well none the less.

Wow, a lot has happened. Situation: Wrecked Car. SOME MORON cut in front of the car in front of me, and i was going like 10 and couldn't stop in time so i nailed the truck in front of me. NO damage to the truck (AWESOME FOR ME) but my hood was crushed back and looked like a dome.

So i wrecked my car yesterday, while eating lunch during a lan party. This makes traffic ticket #2 related to a lan party (and coincedently [sp] ticket #2 all time). I think i'll have to not ever use my car again to go get dinner for one of those things.

On the good side, my car wasn't horribly damaged. On the bad side, the $150 that i happened to be saving for some new turntables (geek DJ Dextr0us) will be going towards car repairs. We fixed the whole thing today, minus the headlight, so thats pretty rad. We found a hood and fender for my '86 toyota camry (i told you i'm emo, i cant afford a car from the 90s) and it only costed 110 bucks (and we got some headlights, but they were the wrong kind, and i dont like rewiring my car, but they were included with the 110 bucks, so i wasn't too bummed.)

My Dad said something awesome today out of the blue. He said that he will be my insurance provider, and i have a 150 dollar deductible, so he's going to repaint the car and get headlights and the sort, and its only going to cost me my turntable fun.

WHOOOPTY DOOO.

oh yeah, agent A is so cool. I miss her a lot. I think since i havent written anything in my journal in forever, she probably doesn't read this so i can say cool stuff again. I miss her and her weezer. The only problem is that the whole MISSION thing keeps popping up in my mind. Yes, i am mormon, and no i'm not brainwashed. Ask me about it if you really care, but i don't think you do. It basically ends up with me leaving for 2 years, and probably not ever seeing amy again. Down with that.

ALSO! right now i'm on my father's great computer, but if i were on my own, i would be using phoenix for my browser of choice. GO TO www.mozilla.org and use phoenix, because its the morally right (i almost typed tight) thing to do. Actually, it just never crashes, and doesn't mess with your registry (other than file associations). It is the lean version of mozilla, and runs much faster. DOWN WITH IE! UP WITH PHOENIX. if i'm not going to switch back to linux, then i'm going to use XP with phoenix. YAY FOR PNGS WORKING AGAIN! now i just gotta make sure it supports flash....

anyways, you read to the bottom. congratulations, you are great.

Randall

User Journal

Journal: not famous, and glad.

Journal by dextr0us

This may come as a shock to a lot of you.... i am glad that i'm not a singer. you might say to your self

"self, but you're not a singer."

and you would be correct. I'm about to let all of you that read my journal (aka, probably 1 person) in on a semi big secret. In 9th grade, someone scouted me somehow. I think it was from a church choir or something. Anyways, eventually in 11th grade, i almost had a manager... and was going to do the music thing. WOW.... i'm glad i didnt. I just watched the finish of making of the band, and i know its semi distorted, but i doubt that making it in the music industry is easy. They said i had talent, i thought i could dance, but i'm pretty sure that i would end up all broke, and not end up an 18 year old junior in college.

Everyone looks up to stars, and says "wow they're so awesome," but i look at them and say "wow, they're just like me, but people watch them on tv." I would never want to be a j-lo (because i'm not a girl, but you get the point.) never being able to go anywhere would suck, although the money, and the free clothes would probably balance it out.

My ultimate goal now is cable. Channel one is probably out of the picture (for now, dont think that i'm going to stop). I really want to end up in tv, in front, or behind, the camera. Working for TechTv, would be perfect, as well as G4, and MTV/MuchMusic news would be awesome. Those are my end goals. I'm completley prepared to bust my ass and work behind the camera in edit bays for long hours, and work for whoever i need to (within reason) to get this done. Internships will be my friend for a semester. I'll keep a day job at some rinkydink tech firm or something, and intern at TV stations. Writing isn't out of the picture either, but communications is where i want to be. My brother would be so pissed to hear me say that. He works [obligitory plug http://www.mmaweekly.com] as a sports broadcaster, and it sucks for him right now. He also works for the UFC, as their ring reporter (ryan bennett, you'll know him if you're into ufc)
    Marriage will come someday, but its not a big priority.

    You now have my life plan for the next little while. I'm also planning to go on an LDS mission, and graduate from school, so yeah.

User Journal

Journal: reading

Journal by dextr0us

why do i keep reading something that depresses me so bad? its like watching titanic, and knowing that everyone is goign to die, but so intrigued about it. oh well............ i know i wont kill myself. that phase ended forever in september, probably more like february, but its done for sure in september.

User Journal

Journal: Mesh hats r0x0r.

Journal by dextr0us

Today has been a day of re-evaluation of life for me. I was thinking about if i had a fire, what would i take out? I think i would save my mother's journal, and maybe mine. My mom's is much more important, because it is all writing. My "journal" is just a collection of annoymous junk, well not junk but you get the point, since i was born.

Re-evaluating has been a huge step for me. Every year on average, i do it to myself. This year's re-evaluation happened at an odd time. We played fugative last night, and for those of you who don't know what fugative is, its like hide and go seek for adults. I'll explain later. At any rate, i was running, and i thought they could tell it was me if my trademarked mesh hat was on, so i quickly removed it and stuffed it under my shirt. To my knowledge, i had it still under my shirt, but then all of the sudden i didn't feel it. It made me feel like CRAP. I then started having some sort of spiritual awakening and i don't think since my sister died, or maybe finals, i have prayed like that. I seriously prayed for half an hour. I went searching where i thought i had lost it, but to no avail. My friend then called me half an hour later, and said he found it. I WAS SO RELIEVED.

Fugative: A game where there are the fugatives, and cops. Cops are in cars, trying to find the fugatives, who attempt to make it from point A to point B in the least time possible.

My mesh hat, while a new trademark, is priceless to me. That would be item #3, right behind the load of journals i would save in a fire. Its so cool, because its ugly. Its of a defunct trailer seller, called motor sports land, and it has a smily sun on it. Its my favorite hat ever. Ever.

That spiritual revival lasted into today. I almost recommitted myself to being mormon. Not that i really needed it, but yeah. I know a lot of people hate mormons, but i dont get why. I think a lot of people get the impression that mormons are really presumptious, and they think that they're better than everyone, which we dont. I think actually most catholics that really practice are in much better off shape than i will be in the afterlife, not to mention nuns, and then every other person who has lived such a great life. I don't think that i'll be better off than them, but i think i'll have a more perfect knowledge, which is kind of a presumptious statement.

Another thing that people get from mormons is that we hate certain groups of people. People especially associate the mormon church with hating gays and lesbians. (on a side note, i don't really like the word homosexual, i prefer str8 and gay) MY church (the church that I belive mormon means) belives that we're all gods children, and we should love everyone. Our main goal, contrary to popular belief, is to have people come unto christ. If you're gay, thats great. One of my best friends in the entire world is gay. I see nothing wrong with it in the temporal sense. its fine that he likes and sleeps with guys. I personally, am not planning on sleeping with any guys in the future, but hey, whatever floats YOUR boat is fine.

Speaking of gay people, my dad made another "utah mormon" mistake. Out here in utah, people can just assume that everyone is mormon, even if their not. Mormon is the predominate religion in utah (like i even had to say that) so people just automatically assume, and its kind of insensitive to do. My sister had a work party, and one of her co-workers is gay. I'm pretty sure that around 50-85 percent of the room knew he was gay. My dad was not one of those people. He made a card for a Japanese lady, and wrote some charecters in japanese. (actually it was chinese, or kanji, but yeah) My dad makes the mistaken assumption of asking him if he went on a mission (the LDS 2 year thing where we knock on your door) to japan. He just handled it good, and kind of just ignored my dad, which was good, while the rest of my family looked in horror and tried to motion to my dad that NO, he's not mormon. This is where i get confused. My dad wasn't brought up in utah. In fact, he was brought up in new jersey, and led a really crappy life. I guess being out of a more diverse atmosphere for a few decades will do that. Its not that i fault my dad for it, i just wish he was more sensitive.

this is turning into the longest journal entry ever. speaking of sensative, thats kind of how i feel now. I read my mothers journal for the "important" days of my life. The first ones i looked at were 9/9/99 (dreamcast launch) and i had a seizure in may of 2k, and i wanted to know what my parents thought. But there was a date that i wouldn't look at, except from an oblique reference on a "randall's accomplishments" page. She wrote something about how i was trying to creatively deal with the loss of my sister. It brought me to tears, as it is now. That is the worst day of my life. Screw september 11th, i know that effected all the people that lost love ones like the whole month of october did. I'm not sure if it was october 26th, but dammit, i don't care. Its mid/late october, and my sister dies from brain cancer. I'm like 14, she was like 36, but you have no clue how much that impacted me. I miss her so bad. i feel like my life after then has been a sham, and i've let her down so often that i dishonor her memory. I know that i've done sweet things too, but i just feel like i've never done anything to truly help out her memory. oh great, tears. If sherilynn ever reads this, i'm so sorry. I'm trying to be better. Your kids are the most awesome people ever. Vicki hasn't replaced you, but i am really thankful for her two. Your husband is the best man i know. Kent can handle more hardship than i can even imagine. You want to hear about a great man? This man has maintained the same job through 2 excruiciating circumstances. His first wife, and love of his life, dies from brain cancer. His second wife (see mormons still practice poligamy :P, only joking, trying to fight the tears) got breast cancer. How screwed up is this world.... honestly. I love my church, but that put such a dampener on my faith. I know its for the best, because she's completley recovering, but still. There is the chance that it spreads. And if it does spread..... DAMMIT I DONT WANT TO BURY ANOTEHR SISTER!!! I want to punch my hand through the wall. why..... why.... i seem to force myself to think about bad things every once in a while. Not that death is a bad thing. It really was a good thing. Sherilynn's death was good for her. She was suffering so bad. There are so many priceless moments that i think back on w/ my oldest sister, but then there are so many sad. I remember the sad ones more than the happy, not because i want to though, trust me.

Ok enough crying. Cheer up. Stop sucking, and do better. You little emo wuss.

User Journal

Journal: GRR

Journal by dextr0us

Ok, what the freak. This girl that hooked me and friend-girl up, now wants to hook friend-girl with some other guy.

what the freak i ask?

what is with girls that they have to do things like this?

I haven't done anything wrong have i?

User Journal

Journal: When did this happen?

Journal by dextr0us

I'm so confused. Constantly. About so many different thigns.

thing #1-- I guess i'm not getting the channel one job, so that kind of sucks. They haven't said anything back, but then again they don't really owe me anything, so oh well. My brother said that they might call me in six months, since thats how the TV industry seems to work.

Thing #2-- When did i become attractive? What the freak. I had maybe one or two girls that i liked when i used to live in my small town, throughout high school. Now i get word that there are a couple that like me at school. I mean thats cool and all, but its just a way weird feeling. BTW, i only like the 1. She has my VL.

Thing #3-- i actually understand this one, but i want to vent none the less. WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR PEOPLE TO DONATE MONEY TO A SPONSORED NEW YEARS EVE PARTY?! Actually i know why, because of the low return. I need investors. Its really really hard right now. I'm thinking about making this NYE party of mine my job for the next month, so i need to earn like 500 bucks or something. I live in this smaller town, that is notorious for crappy new years eve parties. Vegas is 2 hours away, so a lot of people go there, but i want to have a good club atmosphere for y2k(3) and i want kids to dance the night away and have fun. I was originally planning to have it in a parking lot on the "main drag" of where i live, but i think since the 'fuzz' is so uncooperative, that i have 2 options. 1-- club hotel sheriton. My friend works at the hotel sheriton in san jorge, so i might be able to get a conference room for cheap. 2-- work with another organization. The official city new years event is called "first night" and its usually pretty stupid. I was thinking about teaming up with them, because they have money, venues, and even though its going to suck, everyone ineveidebly goes. Also, our local college, Dixie State College, is another supreme choice, since they have both equipment and venues, but i don't know how gung ho they'll be with it being 3 weeks from tomarrow (today, technically)

Today's music is -- i dont really quite know yet. I was listening to techno all day, but it made me kind of crazy. How bout The Flaming Lips -- Fight Test.

Sounds like a plan.

Peace -- Randall (dextr0us on 105.1 the disc, and 88.1 the edge)

Often statistics are used as a drunken man uses lampposts -- for support rather than illumination.

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