Clever slashdotters keep figuring out my identity, so I might as well come clean.
First, way back in 2009 someone figured out that I am indeed Dick Shatto
. That's right, I played Canadian Football, and died
some time ago. But as I was in Canada, the excellent health care system was able to cure me of my death, and I went on (this was quite a feat considering I was cremated, but my ashes were scattered in a football stadium in Canada and they have really, really, good grounds crews up there). With plenty of time on my hands I thought I'd hang out here on slashdot where I should be able to blend right in with other brain eating types.
However, being undead (or formerly dead if you prefer) has its downsides. Flesh falls off, things rot away, etc. Even worse though is that the world progresses and you do not; you always stay the same age you were when you died. If I wanted to really live again I needed a new body to take over. Somewhat like a ghost, but not really; the details aren't important. I figured I should pick someone in good health so I could stick around for a while, but someone not too important so I could ensure my second visit is longer. Someone with good health coverage would of course be a must!
There really is only one good candidate for this. I had to choose President Lawnchair
. He has no real power to speak of (or at least, he has never used any). He has great health care and takes care of his body. He doesn't do anything, so nobody should notice if I move in for a few decades.
Thankfully, since nobody reads this lousy website I shouldn't have to worry about my secret getting out.