yeah I'm at school right now. it's lovely- not really. but there are only a couple weeks left, not even. I can't wait for summer. I need a new job cause the Clemens thing isn't working, actually it's me that's not working. haha. I haven't since I've gotten sick. so my cousin and some of his friends are going to six flags soon. duno when but it'll be sweet as anything. I can't wait to ride roller coasters, and go bungey jumping and stuff. haha.
so most boys suck a whole lot. I've decided I'm done with them for a while. it's funny how everytime I say this it never happens, I like attention way way too much. it's how the whole Zach thing happened, it's not even that big of a deal but I'm making it. so what I hooked up with him, it was horrible. He's still a jerk. and I'm better then him. alright, I'm going to try and get some work done.
I hope you all are doing well.
so it's been like eight years.
they tell me I have mono again which blows majorly.
I kinda have a boy. Tom told me not to like him but he's being super cute and stuff what ever. we'll see how things go, I'm really picky about boys anyway.
I don't have time to do anything anymore. I am getting offers to go to these college art programs during the summer but I can't go because of softball.
I love softball a whole lot but I need more art experience. ugh.
I need a new digital camera because mine is MIA has been for months.
I did get a new cell phone and plan so that's sweet.
Boy makes me smile a whole lot.
Eric dumped his physco girlfriend thank god.
Maureen is still dying.
I'm never okay either.
work blows I just don't go anymore.
I want boy to get over here cause I need a hug.
bleh I'm done.
Tom darling would you care to dress up as a girl and take them for me please?
if this test was out of like a grade, I would have a solid D
you all should be smart enough to put two and two together.
what ever. I'm over it. but seroiusly things like to jump out in front of me, on the way home the day I got my license a guy on a bike comes out from inbetween traffic on stump road, I was just turning onto it and stopped with more then enough space. but the douche bag almost got hit.
seroiusly christ almighty put me in my fucking place
But tomorrow I'm going to a show I haven't been to a show in ages, Ton-dog is gonna be there. haha. Live Fast Die, Forever I burn, War Torn Life, Head First Harlot, and some other band. it should be a lot of fun, I wanna dance my ass off. I need to hit some people and stuff and feel good hahahaha. I'm going to go do some anatomy cause I honestly gotta get my shit together.
In other news Tony doesn't like me...well here's how the conversation went.
(23:11:02) Rachel: I'm kinda afraid of getting to close
(23:11:19) Tony: mmm, well i wont try anything anymore if u dont want me to
(23:11:19) Rachel: attatched more so... I guess
(23:11:25) Tony: i know what u mean
(23:11:38) Tony: im not tryin to play nobody
(23:11:46) Tony: i dont need that rep
(23:11:51) Rachel: yeah
(23:12:28) Rachel: I just see this as potentialy hurtful to me
(23:12:36) Rachel: because it's happened that way the last like 8 times
(23:13:03) Rachel: I like boy, boy kinda pretends to like me we end up kissing, I like boy more boy gets other girlfriend or tell me that they pretty much hate my guts
(23:13:10) Rachel: minus how I kiss or something which blows
(23:13:13) Rachel: what ever
(23:13:32) Tony: i wouldnt do/say either
(23:13:52) Rachel: but then I'd still get attatched
(23:14:22) Tony: understood
(23:14:31) Rachel: I mean I'm willing to risk things I guess
(23:14:43) Rachel: I need to think about it more
(23:14:46) Tony: yeah
(23:14:52) Tony: i mean, we're friends
(23:15:00) Tony: and you are damn attractive
(23:15:05) Rachel: thanks
(23:15:10) Tony: yup yup
(23:15:16) Rachel: but looks arent anything
(23:15:24) Tony: lol
(23:15:48) Tony: uve been cool to me ever since ive known u so u dont bother me one bit
I called him last night to talk more about it because I had thought a little bit and stuff, but he never called me back I had left a voice mail... I was going to say I kind of promised myself after the first time I have sex it wouldn't be me just getting fucked. or anything just casual. I kinda think he might like me a little. maybe? hopefully. but he's too afraid of liking someone else or the prospect of liking someone else cause he still loves Heather (his ex-girlfriend) but he's had girlfriends over the summer and stuff. I don't know, hopefully I can make him like me, no not make him like me. just hang around with him, and have him see how awesome I am I guess
OH I've decided I'm getting to fucking concited, people all over the place are telling me I'm pretty or something, and now I pretty much come off as an arrogant prick, and I fuckin hate it, I need somoene to tell me I'm worthless and horrible and the ugliest person ever, Maybe I won't be so over confident about stuff. It's starting to bother me.
but in other news, Tomorrow I'm curling my hair and wearing the dress I wore to homecoming, and I'm gonna wear makeup. The last like 10 minutes of last block jackie wanted to do my makeup lmao. it was hysterical. she like messed up doing the eye liner and was like UHHHH OHH I just was like what what what she's like nothing it looks awesome lmao. she fixed it. but it was pretty funny. it looks cute. but its a lot of makeup for me, I don't usualy wear any. Which I guess is a good thing that I don't need like twenty layers of makeup to look good. THERE I GO WITH BEING CONCIETED. uggggh.
I just wrote this in my xanga.
I've been thinking a lot lately.
good bad and inbetween.
about a lot of stuff.
what I want to do with my life, and morals.
I never really had morals.
Never lived by any sort of rules..
Other then live everyday like it's your last.
but that's not really a moral or rule.
I don't try to make a big deal of things, cause
1.it's a waste of energy
2.things work out in the end
3.nothing actually matters at all really.
I don't want to get fucked over again like all the other times.
Especially this one time in particular.
I wish I had a higher standards for myself.
I wish I wasn't so concieted anymore.
I really need someone to just let me have it.
I feel like I've become this arrogant asshole, that only thinks of herself anymore.
I've also been really angry.
I don't like it.
I wish I was nice again like I used to be...
but I don't want to get walked all over.
but it always happens because I'm too submissive and don't like to confront people.
I need to do a lot of self improvement.
In other news, Florida trip might be cancelled, there is an emergency meeting tonight. If thats the case I want to go to the show on Friday really badly. I want to dress up all cute and stuff, I don't know what I'm gonna be.
If I am still playing in Florida, we are playing in the Dolphin's stadium. That's slightly exciting.
I need to not jump at any affection that is given to me.
I need to not be so clingy, and attatching.
I'm like a fucking squid.
I need to pack tonight, but I will after the meeting because I don't want to pack and then have to unpack.
I just ate a really good salad.
I can't wait until I can start working out again, and getting in shape.
I mean I lost 10 pounds, but I want to get really toned again and buff. well not buff, but I lost a lot of muscle so I want it back.
I'm done. I think I'm going to go read some anatomy stuff, and work on my dry point project for art.
but I think I'm going to go.
1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. this is what I look like now.
bleh what evs. I look ridiculously young in most of those, because I am. ugh. oh and the funeral was so hard. I found Eric and I gave him a huge hug, and this is the boy I adore, absolutly truely adore, he's pretty much everything I look for in a guy, in my eyes hes pretty much perfect, he's one of my best friends, and one of the only people I feel completly safe with. I can totally let my gaurd down and just let loose. I can walk around in my underware infront of him and not give a shit, I can puke in his bathroom and hell just kinda cuddle up with me on his bed while we watched movies. (this is all happened before he got a girlfriend and moved twice which was earlier this year like january-june ish) Well I hugged him and he was shaking, he was trying so hard not to cry. He's cried in my lap before he just kinda shakes, you can see the tears in his eyes, you can feel it in his touch, hear it in his voice to the trained ear, we hugged for like a minute and a half or more. I miss his hugs. I really honestly do. He is such a great guy, he doesn't deserve this. His brother was 18. He was engaged. It was really heart wrenching. I love you Eric freakin Wagner, you're my favorite beyond pretty much everyone.
Rest In Peace: Michael F. Wagner December 22nd 1986- October 7th 2005
we share the same birthday, but I am two years younger.
On another note, Matt and I are going out to lunch Thursday before the funeral. I don't really know where we are going but, it's going to be somewhere in town, I'm going to go to Gap and Chealse's to find a dress to wear to the funeral, and the wedding(I'm going to Maureen's cousin's wedding on Saturday) Yeah. I've been in school now full time the past two days, I've got so much crap I need to get done its ridiculous.
that's all I've got to say, oh and that people just keep dying here. 5 people have died in a month and a half and I've been seperated by them all buy one person. It's just so scary.
oh and fourth block yesterday we were telling ghost stories, and now im sprinting through the hall way because its dark and uninviting. I'm such a puss. I love fourth block though, we are having a party becaue today was Ashley's birthday, but she went shopping instead. I'm making brownies. I really love brownies