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I'm reading a transcript of a speech that was delivered at some event where Microsoft participated. For a long time, I thought that no actual business people talk like Pointy-Haired Manager from Dilbert, that it was just a stereotype... but after reading this, I can clearly see that this man, Orlando Ayala, is a Pointy-Haired Manager. It's like he gets on the stage, and starts speaking... "Hi. Now that I have your attention, I am going to talk out of my ass. Look at me and my incredible talking ass! Watch those buzzwords fly! Let's see what it says next!"

This speech is really something. He's like, fifteen minutes into the speech, and he hasn't said a single comment that contained a single idea that is relevant to anything anybody would ever care about. Let's analyze some choice exerpts:

You may ask why, why is this event different? I'm going to tell you why. We have nothing guaranteed as a company. That's the reality.

What in the hell is that supposed to mean? Is the phrase "nothing guaranteed as a company" supposed to elicit a positive response? And supposing it does, what does that have to do with this event?

We are discussing very deeply which things we need to change as a company. I'll tell you it has been very hard to realize after 27 years in business, that after all we don't have all the answers. Not that we thought we did, but sometimes perhaps we didn't listen carefully about the things we needed to change as a company, and that's a dialogue I want to have with you this time.

You weren't listening carefully as a company? You mean you can't hear the screams of agony when millions of Windows users get BSODs at the same time? I mean, I'm a heavy sleeper, but that shit wakes me up at night. But it's good that you want to have a dialogue with us. Me first: FUCK OFF.

Steve Ballmer recently published a memo. This memo went basically to our employees in the company. I know this memo somehow got published also in the press. But I just wanted to say that today we as a management team are spending a lot of time reminding ourselves what are the core values of this company, the ones that we believe deeply on.

This sounds like you're apologizing for the memo, Orlando. What are you apologizing for? In the memo, did Steve Ballmer ask for all the female interns to meet him in his office? Did he send a memo alerting Microsoft employees about the hit he put on Linus Torvalds? Eh? Inquiring minds want to know!

The only reason we're able to pull off this I know, of course, the products count.

Well, Orlando, you've activated the Grammar Sensor, and now I'm going to have to bitch you out. "The only reason we're able to pull off this I know" is not a coherent phrase. "The only reason we're able to pull this off, I know" would sound a bit better, but it still makes no sense when combined with "the products count" because you need some kind of link between the 'products' and the 'only reason.' GOD... I'm getting a headache.

We need to continue to innovate and actually our products in general did relatively well, considering the slowdown in the marketplace, from Windows to SQL Server and other products we did actually quite well.

OH MY GOD LEARN TO SPEAK YOU IMBECILE.

Okay... I think that's about all I can handle for now.