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I have spent most of my adult life trying to find new ways of creating a certain "feeling". It's hard to describe the feeling, and the words I'm going to use only hint at what it is that I actually feel. Connected, Secure, Peaceful, Empowered. It is all of these things rolled into one feeling. It is always a fleeting moment with an afterglow that hints at what it was. The afterglow can last anywhere from a few moments to days depending on how long the moment lasts or how intense it was. On two occasions it was so intense it was coupled with a kind of spiritual orgasm that made my whole body tingle.

I don't remember the first time I felt it. I do know it has directed a lot of my actions in life either consciously or subconsciously. The main trigger has always been music. My current taste in music is a form of electronica called Trance with some heavy leanings toward Ambient and Experimental. There is a good chance that If I like a particular piece it is because at some level it is tickling that particular feeling switch. One of the times I had the orgasmic experience was to a particularly good piece of music that I had not listened to in a while. I was in a situation where I was able to really concentrate on the music and let it take me. The experience was unintentional and of course quite exhilarating. I immediately tried to recreate it but was unsuccessful. It appears that a recharge time is required, kind of like a male physical orgasm.

At various times I have tried different drugs to try and reproduce the feeling. In the past it was usually to escape the other feelings I was having. Dextromethorphan was able to induce a close approximation for prolonged periods of time and was a favorite of mine for several months. Much later I tried Candy flipping. That was successful but very impure and forced, with far too many distractions and the uneasy side affect of feeling NOTHING for the next 24 hours and slowly feeling normal again only a few days later.

For awhile I tried ritual to induce the feeling with some success. The most successful attempt was actually during an attempt at something else. I was in the navy with a terrible throat infection out at sea in the middle of the South China Sea. The seas were somewhat rough with some good wind. I went to the back of the ship which was closer to the water than the rest of the ship. I was going to use nature to get rid of the infection. I stood on the deck near the side of the ship with the wind and light sea spray blowing in my face. I was not the only one on the deck so the ritual had to be physically contained and done mostly in my head. Not a problem for me since I had gotten used to doing this on the ship anyway. As I was raising the energy I raised my arms up to a "T" position. As I reached the pinnacle of the raising a wave broke in front of me and sprayed me with sea water. At this moment I had my first spiritual orgasm. It was an VERY unexpected feeling. I tried to explain it to my friend who was watching and laughed at my getting a little wet. He already knew about my interests at the time but this was just a little too weird for him.

Over time I have started to refer to this feeling as "IT" and when not distracted by other things in life seem to be always on a quest for "IT". That somewhere out there in the world someone has found "IT" and knows exactly what I am feeling and how to make it happen all the time.

The rational side of me has recently begun to wonder if any of this is caused by memories created while fetal development is taking place, and that the various triggers created by external stimuli are activating deep memories formed while the brain is still developing and figuring out what to do with all the stimuli it receives. If this is truly the case then I would hate to think that all of this spiritual crap that mankind has created was simply a biological function of our brain remembering what the womb was like, and our longing to return.