Slashdot

My position on marriage, monogamy, and [what constitutes] adultery has really changed in the recent past (like over the last year, if I had to give a specific timeframe).

When I was 23, I got hit on in a bar by a guy -- and let him kiss me -- who it turned out was married. He had wanted to go back to my hotel room with me and "cuddle." I wasn't interested in doing that with him even if he *hadn't* been married, but discovering that he was -- well, the whole deal was off. And I wasn't equipped at the time, young and inexperienced as I was, to tell him exactly where to get off (i.e., absolutely *no*where in my personal vicinity).

I did go home and write a long and heartfelt diatribe in my journal about the nature of fidelity and what constitutes being "unfaithful." Basically, I believed that a married person should not express any kind of interest in a person other than her own spouse. No hypothetical situations, no "oh, what I would do with you if I weren't married"... That was crossing the line. It was important to be faithful in your marriage, because, well, that's what you promised to do.

Marriage was sacred because *some*thing had to be. And if you weren't going to hold to it, then was there really *any*thing you would hold to?

Well, fast forward about 10 years. Ten monogamous, mostly married, years.

It was actually a JE of sillypixie's (I guess she deleted it, 'cause it's not there any more) that elicited yet another vociferous homily on the value of marriage and how not feeling "loved" or "respected" or "honored" really had nothing to do with it. You made a promise, you stick it, who cares what the circumstances. You just do NOT walk away.

But believe it or not, that really got me thinking. I guess it's just my nature to play devil's advocate, even when it's my own beliefs that I'm questioning.

What I realized, when I thought about it, was that I really wasn't feeling very loved in my own marriage. And that my "needs" were *far* from being met. That I was living a miserable, unhappy existence because I was expecting my husband to provide me with things that he was either unwilling or incapable of giving me.

And I realized that expecting one other person to fulfill all my needs in *any* particular arena was ridiculous. Think about it with me for a moment. Think about what we need from other people. We need interaction and conversation. Do we limit ourselves to getting that solely from our spouses? Physical affection... Ever get any hugs from your kids, from your parents, from friends? A friendly pat on the shoulder, a squeeze of the hand... All physical gestures that may not seem significant, but try living without them for a while. I don't know about you, but me, I get to feeling like I'm literally starving.

Now... how about sex? Aaaahhh... there's the rub. (ha ha ha)

Why is it that sex is the ONE domain that is STRICTLY allowed only within confines of marriage (or at least, when you're married, your spouse is the only one you're supposed to have sex with)?

I have thought long and hard on this one. When you strip away the ego issues (facing the fact that no single person is ever going to completely satisfy another one, no matter how much I'd like to think that I could...), it really boils down to economics. Marriage is an economic institution. And up until about a hundred years ago (or less), it was an issue of ownership. A man, for all intents and purposes, owned his wife. So there was that little wrinkle.

So if being married is a matter of economics, if patrimony is the legal issue ('cause who should pay the child support can be a pretty contentious issue) -- and if no kids are conceived from extramarital relations, then...

You see, I've lost my faith in marriage. I used to think that it was worth preserving for its own sake. That it had its own inherent value. But I've come to realize that it's an arrangement that's rife with the potential for abuse. We take each other for granted. We think that simply because we went through a ceremony and have all kinds of paperwork, that the other person should put up with whatever shit it is that we want to dish out. Because divorce would simply be too shameful.

Well, I'm not scared of divorce any more. Yes, it would be incredibly inconvenient and my cushy life would come to an end. I'd have to get my ass out in the world and get a job and provide for myself for a change.

And I'd be a single mother. That would suck. Because even though Hubby isn't around much of the time, when he is around, I really rely on his efforts with the kids and around the house. It'd be a lot harder without him.

I'm sure there are plenty of other aspects about getting divorced that I couldn't even conceive of at this point.

But it hasn't come to that yet -- not even close. I've just considered the potential consequences that might befall me for seeking opportunities to live a more... fulfilled existence, shall we say.

Because at this point, all bets are off. I'm not looking to break up any marriages. Exactly the opposite, actually -- and if it ever comes anywhere *close* to that, then the line is drawn, the case is closed, the interaction ends. (My current sig really *is* the height of irony, and I was just playing off of TL's "Hold my beer while I steal your girlfriend" sig, for those of you who didn't get the joke.) I don't mean to cause anyone else any strife. If and when I ever do that, I really am truly sorry -- you just never know what circumstances are like on the other end of the line; I can only anticipate that the people I'm interacting with are considering the consequences of their actions as carefully as I have tried to consider mine.

But I truly believe that getting some attention & having some interaction [of an adult nature or otherwise] from people other than my spouse is essential to my happiness and well-being. And I do NOT believe that it is adultery or cheating. It is simply fulfilling needs that I have that are not being met by my spouse, and it ranks right up there with casual conversation or socializing with friends. (For what it's worth, I've shared this information with my husband already, over the course of quite a few conversations we've had in the past few months. Whether or not it's soaked in isn't for me to say.)

Doesn't mean I'm looking for a new husband, doesn't mean I'm seeking out "relationships," or even looking to fuck somebody else -- it just means that I recognize that I enjoy interacting with other people. Sometimes that interaction involves conversing about topics of a sexual nature (well, DUH). Sometimes it might even involve sharing more intimate details of my sexuality (in a full range of multimedia formats even!!). They are mine to share, and no one else can claim ownership of them.

And if Hubby were to come to the same conclusion, that he needed to flirt with other women, to feel wanted or desired by them, hell -- even if he wanted to fuck them -- if it meant that he would be happier and feel more fulfilled, I would send him off and give him my blessing. I'd just ask that he let me know when he plans to be home (so I won't worry that he's off dead in wreckage on the side of the road somewhere) and that he not bring home any diseases.

So I just wanted to lay my cards on the table. This is who I am. This is what I believe. This is where I am at this particular juncture of my life. Is it pathetic to want attention this badly? Am I a whore for not caring if it comes from someone other than my husband?

I invite you to tell me what a bad person I am. Condemn me, eschew my company, deride me for how pitiful and sadly desperate my existence is that I gotta go to the innerweb to get my jollies. Make plenty of redneck trailer trash jokes. Oh, and fat chicks with Daddy issues ones, too! Lay it on me. Hit me with your best shot. Be nasty. Lord knows *I* can be -- but mostly just in a good way.