If someone calls themselves a chef or a foodie, it may not make them right...but
An Appeal to Authority is a fallacy with the following form:
Person A is (claimed to be) an authority on subject S. Person A makes claim C about subject S. Therefore, C is true.
I'm no expert on logical fallacies like you are, but it seems like there's an all too familiar logical fallacy being committed here too (hint: it has something to do with the two bolds).
If it shed light it would be the world's biggest fucking flashlight.
I fail to see how a Fleshlight shed's light.
You unjustly honor the term 'pirate' when you apply it to someone whose crime was facilitating communication.
(And on that euphemistic note...)
I'll have you know real actual piracy is quite the honorable career. What nobler pursuit than redistribution of wealth? Even most current governments know this.
FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: A guinea pig is not from Guinea but a rodent from South America.