As I don't have anything to do tomorrow, I decided to drink tonight. (not the only reason, it's been months since I drank, and it's not like I've had anything to do tomorrow for a while now...) This may result in oddness, incoherence, and general head-scratching, so consider yourself warned. This entry may be less coherent than usual.
First: Watched the Stargate episodes tonight. Maybe I'm just odd, or whatever, but I rather enjoyed seeing Carter strapped to a bed... Ok, I'm definitely odd. In this episode, it wasn't exactly voluntary, but my general suspension of disbelief deferred itself. Just in case people think I'm TOO odd - Yes, I prefer my bondage to be purely voluntary.
Ref: Bluefairee- Ok, I hate to say it, in case people think badly of me, but I'm of 2 minds. One, I tend to think that Mr. Dubious is a decent enough judge of character from what I've seen, so I'm willing to take his word as to personality, et. al. In that case, I'm rather glad that she was unsuccessful. However, I do have my general belief that it is the choice of the person to live or not. (I'll note that neither Dave or Blue have me friended, and are therefore unlikely to see this). Blue is responding from an emotional rather than logical desire to kill herself... However, it is a moral dilemma for me. Which do I support, the person who is obviously trying to save the life of a person who is most likely a decent person, and 'just' has some emotional problems, or the person who has made a choice, no matter how irrational it may seem, to make a choice we would disagree with?
Myself, I wouldn't choose to kill myself for an emotional reason. I try to make sure that logic governs everything I do. I don't agree with people using emotional reasons to make decisions for anything. However, it isn't my decision, and my personal moral code says that I should disapprove of interference in other's decisions in how to run their lives (up to and including the decision to stop living...)
Needless to say, while there are certain points in BF's journals I'd like to address, I'm not sure how to put things together in a way that wouldn't be seen as advocating her attempt to kill herself... The equivalent of trying to separate the public (you have the right) from the private (you shouldn't use emotional decisions, I think you shouldn't) aspects of my response.
There are also certain aspects of my personality that I actively dislike. For example, sometimes I find myself having to control rather powerful surges of depressed feelings when I see 2 people (presumed in love) expressing publicly their affection (PDA). This really bothers me. I know I'm never going to be in a situation where I might be the cause of similar responses in others, not that I'd necessarily think that's a problem (I don't expect other people to change their behavior just because my emotional response is screwed, so I'm not going to change my behavior if (hypothetically) I do the same thing), but the fact that I can't feel happy that other people are in love seriously irritates me.
Why can't I just be happy for people? Instead, I just see it as a reminder of what I won't ever have. That's stupid. People have a right to be happy regardless of my inability to be so. It's petty, and I don't want to be petty. I want to be happy that my friends (or people in general) are happy.
That also results in a discontinuity between reality and my mental state. I know that I'm not going to 'get the girl'. Despite this, I sometimes find myself commenting on things as if I will. (heh. See above comment on Carter. :) There are women I would be interested in asking out, in the general sense*. Sometimes, when talking to someone, I find myself thinking I might actually do so. Not from any real belief I'll get anywhere, but from a desire to believe I will. I know it's frustrating to people when I 'slip' in my understanding of my situation and end up moping about not being able to date anyone, but somehow, I can't get it fully under control. I think I should stop talking to people even to the extent that I still do so I don't inflict my depressed state on others.
New topic: I'm currently running a D&D campaign set in Greyhawk. I'm using the module "Return to the Temple of Elemental Evil". The party is evil. However, there have been discussions to the effect that (unlike every good party I have heard of) enemies are to be captured alive if possible. Of course, in the case of an evil party, this is to sacrifice them for magic items, but still, I've never really seen a good party try to take prisoners if not absolutely necessary. I find the contrast to be very amusing.
I'm probably going to regret posting this tomorrow (um, today)...
Dreams: Here's something that shows just how neurotic I can be, not that there was really a question... Question for guys: Have you ever... visualized a particular woman, if you know what I mean? I (nearly always) don't. I've actually managed, for the vast majority of the time, to prevent myself from imagining a particular woman in situations where the woman might be... distressed to be in the actual position. Or, to be less obscure, if a dream I have involves nudity, I've managed to 'train' myself to not visualize anyone in particular. Sometimes, I slip, I have to admit. Most of the time (well over 90%) I can 'abstract' what I see, however.*** I don't like even pretending to be with a woman without her permission (and it's not like I'm going to ask any woman if she'll let herself into my dreams, after all...)
I suppose it's related to my problems with pictures... There are no visible pictures in my bedroom. Even the books I read are placed face down. I seem to have an instinctive low level reaction that doesn't like having even images of people see what I do in private.**** (no, I don't mean that (specifically), I mean even sleeping - anything I wouldn't want a particular stranger (associated with the picture) to see)
I'm really going to regret posting this...
* The problems with the specifics are large. There's the fact that I'm not exactly what I'd call attractive**, my mental stability issues (well, not stability in the common sense... I'm very stable, but not very close to the general conception of stability), the fact that I am currently unemployed, etc.
** I've been told I look 'cuddly', though. Kinda like a big teddy bear. Except less furry, and without 'how to launder' tags.
*** Maybe I'll see a woman with short hair, or long hair, with different physical attributes, or whatever. But nothing that is identifiable. Maybe I'll see a tall, busty redhead with long hair (I'm thinking the picture on this book for example, or a short, slender blond, but never a (specific) face to go with the body, and no identifying marks (unless I end up thinking about tattoos or piercings, for example... but nothing specific to a particular woman, at least))
**** Hey, where ya going? I'm not insane!