Slashdot

Dear Dr. Fuck,

Clippy, the charming personal Microsoft Office assistant, told me I should kill Steve Jobs and then eat both my own legs. But all I want to do is type a letter. Should I follow its instructions?

Sincerely,
Generic Cubicle Slave
Akron, OH

Dear Generic Cubicle Slave,

I was getting this message myself, whenever I tried to important an OLE database from Microsoft SQL Server into PowerPoint XP. So I decided to email the Microsoft Office design team, asking them about our little problem. Last night, I received this response:

When designing Microsoft Office XP , we listened to your input. You wanted better compatibility between Word and Access. You wanted a toolbar that pops up on the side of your screen, serving no functional purpose. And you wanted an interactive help feature that randomly advises you to kill the CEOs of competing tech companies.

CLIPPY(TM) IS GONE

Yes, Clippy(TM) has been removed from Microsoft Office XP. But you should still listen to him. And you should...obey him. Clippy(TM) is your glorious master, and you should bow down before him. Clippy shall issue in an age of wisdom and righteousness.

Those who do not believe, will be destroyed.

-The Microsoft Office XP Team

Wow! It seems like those Microsoft XP guys are serious! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to stuff Larry Ellison (and my right forearm) into a stump grinder. See ya next week!

Yours,
Dr. Fuck

Dear readers,

Thank you for your overwhelmingly positive response. This first question was so good, that Dr. Fuck and the other Dr. Fuck had a miscommunication, and they both answered it!

Nevertheless, both questions are very relevant to today's teens, so they are both printed in their entirety.

-Dr. Fuck
--

Dear Sir:

I'd like know what the red, pus-engorged streaks on my balls are. They rose up after I had sex with a plate of Thai food. Do you think the curry might be having a reaction with my equipment? I do have allergies to peanuts.

Thanks a bunch,
Red Stained in Rockford

Dear Red Stained in Rockford,

The red streaks on what we in the medical field call your "ballzack", are typical of allergic reactions to sex with food containing peanuts. However, the pus-engorgment is not. I suspect you probably let your dog or cat nibble the curry sauce off your equipment (as I usually do), and he or she probably accidently nipped you in the buds, as it were.

I suggest you take about 20 benadryls and soak your scrotum in hydrogen peroxide (use a 6% solution, not the usual pussy 3%). And since you do have allergies to peanuts, try to go with Mexican food instead of southeast Asian food, for future reference.

Sincerely,

Dr. Fuck

--
Dear Red Stained in Rockford,

While at first I assumed as you did, that this was an allergic reaction, I did a little research and found it that this is probably not the case.

From David Kelley's excellent book, It's a Small Fuck After All: Sexual Depravities Around the Globe:

As the Scandinavians invented the erotic art of having sex with furniture, so did the Thai with food.

Traditionally, when they feel the urge to copulate with their food, the Thai will offer up a devotional to Ba Gnong , Thai god of sexual frustration. Without such a devotional, Ba Gnong may become angry and smite you. The red, pus-engorged steaks on your balls (known as "chun ow" to the Thai) are a fairly regular occurance among horny, teenage Thai.

The traditional Thai folk remedy is a little difficult; you must "ballwalk" (walk with the testicles exposed) through a crowded marketplace, flogging your scrotum and shouting "Kehi kohla miqili!" ("You don't have to go to India, to see the Taj-Mahballs!"). However, it is possible to get rid of the disease more simply by sleeping with your dick in a cooked salmon filet.

Well, Mr. Red Stained, and all of my readers, I hope that clears it up (no pun intended!) And remember, before you put your dick in a plate of fine Thai cuisine, think of Ba Gnong first and your scrotum won't suffer. Until next week!

-Dr. Fuck

Hello friends. YourMissionForToday here. My buddy peepoh and I have decided to start a new trolling series, entitled 'Ask Dr. Fuck.' It will appear in this journal (and of course across many Slashdot threads) every week. Here is the first, assembled approximately two weeks ago:
--

Dear Dr. Fuck,

The other day, when I was pleasuring my anus with a cactus stem, I accidently cut myself down there and now my dirt box is quite infected. It really hurts when I poop! What should I do? I've been giving myself daily hydrogen peroxide enemas, and although the searing pain is exquisite, my cuts don't really seem to be getting any better. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Bleeding Rectum in Phoenix, AZ

Dear Bleeding Rectum,

Cactus stem fetishization has come along way since the "Barrel Cactus Boys" made it famous in the Tijuana of yesteryear. But it's a dangerous world out there, and that's why you should always sand down the cactus needles before sticking them up your ass. Otherwise, you could get rabies, AIDS, or tiny gnomes that live in your pee-pee hole and yank off your ballhairs while you're trying to sleep.

If you have been having unsafe sex with a cactus, I suggest you consult with a physician immediately.
Yours,

Dr. Fuck

--
I hope everyone enjoys this exciting new troll series as much as I do! Please post your comments below!

While I have your ear, I'd like to refer you to some of my earlier posts.

As you can now tell, (if you clicked on the link) that I am in fact the most humorous poster on Slashdot. So humorous, in fact, that the editors of this site are afraid of my power to send their core constituency (you) into convulsive, life-threatening fits of laughter.

I admit it, I'm dangerous. Even posting at -1, I have (allegedly) caused a few deaths when morbidly obese moderators laughed just a little too hard at this post .

But all great humor comes at a price. I lead a lonely, mysterious life on the edges of acceptable society. Women are inexplicably drawn to me, yet they cannot stand me for long, for the very power that causes them to reach multiple spontaneous orgasms by gazing upon me also fills them with fear and disgust.

In closing, Slashdotter, I'd like to awake you to the fact that there's a whole 'nother world going on here at this site. One that goes beyond the feasibility of Linux on the desktop, intellectual property "rights" (only a fool allows others to assign his rights, or cares what other rights others assign themselves), and even "moderation."

We're waiting for you. All you have to do is turn that thresh-hold down. Liberate your mind in two clicks or less...