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Journal: Fear 1

Journal by Veronika

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to choose anymore. I can't cut my ties with the past. I can't move forward. Fear leaves me nothing but uncertainty and denial. I know what I have to do, always have. But a large part of me always lives in the past and refuses to budge. I try to get her to join me, just leave it behind, it is no good for anyone now. I need all my strength. Please come to me. Please.

User Journal

Journal: Fear

Journal by Veronika

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to choose anymore. I can't cut my ties with the past. I can't move forward. Fear leaves me nothing but uncertainty and denial. I know what I have to do, always have. But a large part of me always lives in the past and refuses to budge. I try to get her to join me, just leave it behind, it is no good for anyone now. I need all my strength. Please come to me. Please.

Comment: Re:Honesty is always the best policy (Score 1) 2

by Veronika (#32560994) Attached to: Guilt

I used to believe honesty is always the best policy but no more. I am really ambivalent about honesty. Am I really honest because I don't want the other person to get hurt or because I want to make myself feel better? I think telling the truth to make yourself feel better is the worst kind hypocrisy.

To me, it's probably a mixture of both: I can't deal with the confrontation and I think I should take care of my own guilty garbage, spare them the drama. I don't know anymore. I do not wish the lie to last forever, just until I decide to come clean (wishful thinking!).

Do you know how does lying feel? My limbs went weak, my stomach was sick, I was terrified. I felt as if guilt grab my arms from behind, my neck and back turned stiff. But I couldn't show any of it. I was composed and painted the picture I wanted them to see. As I waved goodbye, I knew it would be a long time before I see them again but they waved back as if they would see me soon.

I don't know how people do it. I didn't expect it to be so bad..

User Journal

Journal: Guilt 2

Journal by Veronika

It's been a tough year, mixed with hardship as well as joy. I am not confused anymore because I have made up my mind what to do. But to make it work, I have to lie.Guilt is a funny thing. They are the people I care about but they are also the people I protect myself from. I try not to think about it so much because the guilt will eat me up and break me. I don't to break. I am so close. Lying requires so much work. But what needs to be done has to be done. It has to work. It just has to.

User Journal

Journal: Moving 1

Journal by Veronika
I am moving backwards by not moving forward. I am moving backwards when everyone else is moving forward. I want to move too but where can I go? Where do I want to go? Everybody asks me to join them but I am still walking along the street, trying to pick my favourite store. Do I have a favourite store? Or am I just too afraid to walk in? To be left behind is one of the worst feelings in the world. Change is the scariest thing in the world.
User Journal

Journal: If I were a boy.... 1

Journal by Veronika

If I were a boy, I would have stronger shoulders.

If I were a boy, I would not notice my neck.

If I were a boy, I would have kinder shoes.

If I were a boy, I would not have a cellphone.

If I were a boy, I would know how to clean up.

If I were a boy, I would be more careful with calculation.

If I were a boy, I would take a shortcut.

If I were a boy, I would know how to paint.

If only "If I were a boy," sounds less intangible.

User Journal

Journal: Worldly pursuits? 1

Journal by lyoz

What must we seek? Beauty, Happiness, Knowledge, or Justice.

A relative increase in any of these virtues will lead to slight betterment in the world, this I do not doubt.

But beauty and happiness are subjective, and individual pursuits--to each their own.

The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form. -- Stanley J. Randall

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