Black market Starbucks. Now I've seen everything.
The games I tried work well on high settings
You are either mistaken or lying. There is no way in hell you are playing games on high settings on a 2560x1440 display with a laptop graphics card.
Does humanity have value? Yes, I've decided that it does.
Well that's a silly assumption...
A lot of the old apps are still there, windows key + r then typing calc.exe and enter will run the old one still IIRC, but that makes it about as user friendly as Linux
This is not so. Linux did away with file extensions for executable programs years ago. =P
it takes approximately 1 second longer to resume from hibernate than from sleep
Are you sure it's actually resuming from hibernation and not hybrid suspend? Even with a fast SSD, reading a moderately sized memory dump back in could take more than 10 seconds.