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How did I get to be so self-centered? I made my last post intending to give a quick review of "Iron Man" and ended up talking about myself and how great I am. Again.

When did this happen to me? Or rather, when did I do this to myself? I've had no lack of encouragement in the process of ego inflation recently. I have people on all sides of me demonstrating tremendous confidence in my abilities, people telling me how great I am, subordinates, superiors and peers alike.

I hear this from people who have a big stake in my success or failure, people who have a tangential stake and people who won't be impacted one way or another ... people who like me and people who dislike me ... people I know well, people I've met once or twice and people I don't know... people I see all the time, people I haven't seen in years and years and people I've never met.

The ones who dislike me and are irritated by my successes to date express their schadenfreude as a hope that I will someday bite off more than I can chew and screw up eventually. However, even for them, it's expressed as more of a hope than as an expectation. Sometimes this is in my hearing, sometimes it's behind my back.

I don't talk about my ambitions at work, but I don't make a big point of pretending that I'm not ambitious. I don't deny any possibilities with respect to my current or future career path; I just deflect the questions and decline to speculate. I never publicly admit the possibility of failure, but I always have a fallback Plan B and a worst-case-scenario Plan C, just in case. I don't put on airs and brag. I don't say, "Now that I'm the boss..." I just do my job, doing the hard parts and the simple parts as well as I can, making the tough calls as well as the easy ones. I want excellence and I work hard to achieve it, but I'm prepared to cut my losses, take my lumps and walk away from a disaster in the making.

So, with all of this, and all of the changes that I've been through recently, is it forgivable that I am spending a lot of time thinking about my place in the world? About where I am and where I might be going?

No, that's the wrong question. I've always been introspective, and it's reasonable to think and plan. The question is, is it forgivable that my introspection under the current circumstances has led me to the conclusion that I am on the verge of something big?

No, that's the wrong question again. It's not a problem to be on the verge of something big. Is it a problem to think that I personally am something big, or could become someone big? My Midwestern ex-Catholic upbringing cries out, "No, no, you are no better than anyone else!"

But what if I am? Is it wrong to face that fact and deal with things from that standpoint, rather than cling to false modesty and hide my light under a bushel? It's not like I'm a weapons manufacturer or a drug dealer. I like to think that I'm doing some good in the world.

One of my technicians told me she needed to find a new job, to be nearer to her husband (who lives in D.C. area). She observed that it was strange how, when she started working for me three years ago, she would tell people who she worked for, and no one knew who I was. Now, she doesn't even get past my first name and people say, "Oh, you work for HIM? What's he like?" When you are looking for a job, it is always better to be able to say that you were a technician for Dr. Famous as opposed to Dr. Nobody.

I feel as though the conclusions I've come to with regard to my own potential, both scientific and managerial/administrative, are pretty well justified by the track record to date. Aside from the chortling and marveling over the technology that I do with my plasma tech coworkers, it's only here on Slashdot that I indulge in flights of self-congratulatory fancy. This is semi-anonymous, so it's more or less without consequence professionally. I suppose I could just leave this in a written journal, but that's for true introspection, without even the possibility of feedback.

Maybe once things settle down, I'll get some perspective. Unfortunately, things never seem to settle down.

OK, so this is the first time in at least a decade that I got to see a movie on opening day.

My rating system is based on corona discharge plasma induction field arrays. I give "Iron Man" 4.5 out of 5 CDPIFAs.

The best part of this action and adventure movie was the acting. The movie was tremendously engaging when you could see the actor's faces and see them interact. This was one of the big problems with the first Spider-Man movie... hidden behind the masks, the actors couldn't do much. Here, even when Tony Stark is in the suit, you get to see his face thanks to the interior shots of the helmet (this is in the clips floating around, so its no spoiler to tell this).

Strangely, although the fight and flight sequences were very cool, the movie lost something when you couldn't see the actors inside the machines. That's what cost it the one-half CDPIFA.

My favorite part? Tony Stark working in his lab, creating the technology for the suit. C'mon, what else would it be? I've had enough failures in my own lab to have a deep sense of connection.

As a side note, is it realistic to build a super suit in just a few months, from spare parts lying around? Well, once things really click, it's just a matter of making the real world catch up to the vision that you have in your head.

I'll let you in on a secret: I and my colleagues built our first CDPIFA during the end of the last fiscal year, when purchasing was shut down. After some intensive discussions, we had the ideas, but no equipment. We *had* to get this thing operational, so we built it out of some spare parts we had lying around the lab, some materials we "borrowed" from my boss' radio frequency/pulsed electric field lab, and some materials I had in my workshop at home. The end result looked a lot like the suit Tony built in the cave... clanky, crude and really ugly, but fully functional in all critical aspects. It worked (as a prototype).

Once the purchasing system was back up, we made a more fully realized version, several orders of magnitude more powerful. This is what my microbiologist technicians are currently working with, and what absolutely rocks from here to Awesomeville. So deeply cool, I can't even describe it. Not because I lack the words, but because that would constitute public disclosure.

After several months, my engineer colleagues have finally finished the upgraded version. Almost all of my ideas were workable in the real world. This baby will again increase the power and scope by another several orders of magnitude. If it doesn't melt or blow up the lab, it will be able to mount a realistic campaign to be the Mayor of Awesomeville. If it does what I think it is capable of, a lot of things are going to change in the food industry in the next ten years.

So, Tony Stark... fire up the repulsors, man. You rock.

Busiest.

Month.

Ever.

April 2008:

1) Huge media thing around my talk in New Orleans, biggest thing I've ever done. Hit the cycle for interviews domestically, and had a live interview on the BBC. Some big wigs lost their nerve over all of this and started to panic; other big wigs told them to relax and let the Doctor do his thing. "We know him, he can handle it." Net result: huge positive for me, my team and my agency. Besides, I was LIVE on the BBC! How cool was THAT!

2) A temporary promotion to The Next Level. Huge challenges, major fires to put out... but it's also the biggest game in town, and it's all mine. My appointment is nominally 4 months, probably longer. I've lost track of the number of people who are assuming that it's permanent, simply because they regard it as not only a perfect fit, but long overdue. Net result: huge opportunity for a positive, if I can pull this off. If not... well, big fish swim in deep waters.

3) Plasma technology is going well. How well? Let's just say that if Tony Stark were real? He'd be me. Net result: giant positive for me and anyone who dislikes Salmonella. Shoot, they might even name an Effect after me. Like the Kasimir Effect, or the Cerenkov Effect. That would be sweet.

4) Ruptured tendon pulley in my left hand. Ouch. As in, HOLY FSKING SHET THAT HURTS! Bad news: hurts. Good news: I might not need surgery to repair my hand. Did a second round of MRIs today, and am awaiting the ruling of the doctors. Net result: the chance of getting an admittedly awesome looking scar is not worth this much pain.

5) New dog is very smart and friendly. Kids and wife love her, even with the chewed up toys, backpacks, etc. This month has been so utterly ridiculous that I can hardly believe we've only had her a month. Net result: way positive.

I can hardly wait to see what May brings.

I would be flattered that so many people seem to trust me so much, if it weren't for the fact that they appear to trust me so much because they think I'm an idiot.

When I'm stressed, I eat. I look back over the last year, and think, "Man, what a year! No wonder I've gained so much weight!" The trouble is, several years have been like that.

In August 2005, I weighed what I wanted to weigh, around 172#.
In the fall of 2005, I got a little complacent and put on a few pounds.
In the winter of 2006, my lead scientist went out with cancer, and I stepped in as Acting LS. I gained a few pounds.
In the spring of 2006, he died, and I was tapped as the new Lead Scientist. I gained a few pounds.
In the summer of 2006, I took over officially as LS. I gained a few pounds.
In the fall of 2006, the entire landscape with respect to my field of research changed. I went from an irrelevant oddity, a curiosity along the lines of "You mean somebody is still working on that?", to "Thank god there's someone who is an expert in this area! Please come advise us!" My life got really complicated, and I started to travel. A lot. I gained a few pounds.
In the winter and spring of 2007, in addition to being everybody's favorite expert, I also was the chair of a very complicated and stressful project committee. I gained a few pounds.
In the summer of 2007, stress continued, all the more so because, after having demonstrated skill and competence in diplomacy and leadership to go with my technical and scientific, things got even more complicated. I gained a few pounds.
In the fall of 2007 stress was bad. In the winter of 2008, things got even more intense. I gained a few pounds.

Now, in the spring of 2008, I am really, really trying to lose the 20# I've put on as a result of all of this.

The trouble is that I am in a stressful situation. Of my own making? To be sure. The media activities and the fallout from it have made things rather complicated for me in certain very important areas. Good in some ways, bad in others.

Is the stress level going to get better or worse? Oh, much worse, no question.

There's a job to do, and I've been asked to do it. It's a very big, very complicated, very difficult job. The people who have asked this of me are putting an awful lot of faith in my abilities. Have I demonstrated myself so thoroughly?

I'm not a hero or a savior. I'm not a legend or an angel. I'm not even the cavalry.

I'm just a guy. Talented and capable, sure, but still just a guy.

I will start running again. That should help burn off stress and calories. If I don't do something, I'm going to weigh 300# before this is all over.