I was very excited for my meal today. Because today, I was having ribs. All day, I was thinking, "R-r-r-ribs!!! Dripping with sauce! Baby back r-r-r-ribs! Falling off the bone!" You know, the kind they serve at Grizzlebees. Well, I tell you, I wished I had less fun. First of all, you can hardly call 41 year old ribs 'baby back', I don't care what the fuck baby back refers to. Second, these things were more of the quality that you might make a stock out of. More likely, you'd toss 'em to your dog if he was a good boy. They say '63 was a dreadful vintage for champagne. Well, add ribs to the list of dreadful things that were born that year. I can get past that because we all know that ribs are generally a crappy cut of meat which is why you use a fairly strong sauce as well as why you cook them for a long time. This brings me to points three and four. I'll cover the sauce first which will be easy because there wasn't any. Now, a good sauce will bring out the most of a rib but even a bad sauce can give you subtle hints as to the preparation. You can often tell how the fat was rendered, either by boiling or slow cooking, and you can often guess the final cooking method be it oven (gas or electric), charcoal, gas grill, even the primitive imu leaves its own distinct fingerprint. Unfortunately, with the lack of sauce and the shitty meat quality, only God knows how they were cooked.
So anyway, today I had the liver and bunions, an arguably passable meal. As usual, I have a few observations to make about it. First off, where was the bacon? I'm not sure, but I can tell you where it wasn't. Liver and bunions just isn't liver and bunions without bacon! Second, the bunions were not too good, much to crusty for my taste. Overcooked maybe? To dried out? I really couldn't put my foot on it, so to speak. OK, the first two I can forgive, but this last one really makes me not want to eat here anymore - my liver was like shoe leather. All chewy and tough and flavorless. I must have looked like a retard eating it. Sure, you don't make liver and bunions with Foie Gras, but I swear there wasn't an ounce of fat in my liver. I know my diet for the last 15 years has been pretty low fat because - hey, why would I need to store any extra energy? It's not like I am going anywhere. Seriously though, would it have been too much to ask for them to force feed me a few dozen sticks of fucking butter before they cut me off? You know what? Come to think of it, my meal sucked!
Today, my meal consisted of my own muscle mass. It was ok, but it would have been better with a Caesar salad and a nice Chardonnay as a starter. Also, a baked potato, some green beans and maybe a hardy Cab would have really rounded out the main course. Now it might seem like I am complaining, but I must also point out that my muscle was a little to rare for me, I'm more of a medium-well type of gal. Plus, would it hurt to get a little coffee and dessert around here? I am a goddamned fucking celebrity you know.
Anyway, tomorrow - I think I am going to have the liver and bunions. I've been dying to try them.