Am I the only person who doesn't want perks? I want three things from work: the ability to do my job, more pay, and less time there

Woah now. Let's take an example like health coverage. You're going to get it whether or not your employer gives it to you as a perk. However, if they buy it they can take advantage of the economies of scale and get you a plan that would cost you $10k but only costs them $5k. It's a win for both parties, because you might be willing to be paid $93k+health plan instead of $100k without a health plan---you're basically getting something that's worth $103k to you. Meanwhile, that compensation package that's worth $103k to you is only costing them $98k. Lots of other perks work this same way.