I'm glad you aren't running my company. None of these things have any basis in reality for even the most green in managerial finance. Having excess capital, while generally a good problem to have, is still a big problem. Companies can bleed it through stock buybacks, dividends, or by investing it, but they cannot give it away.
What Apple needs to think about doing is buying or creating other companies, be it by horizontal or vertical integration. For example, they could buy or build a competitor to Foxconn (or buy Foxconn itself, this is one I would seriously look at). Or they could take a controlling interest in Facebook. Or invest in the million other smaller start ups that could bring new innovations to Apple.
Apple is seriously at a crossroads right now. Without an innovative product pipeline (or Jobs) and a supply chain that is costing a ton in PR, Apple is going to have to start putting their big boy panties on and start acting like a big boy company.