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User Journal

Journal: Who is New Movie Troll?

Journal by New Movie Troll

I am the entity whom is responsible for (among other things):

The 12 Days of Goatse
Limp Slashdot
The Jay-Z H.O.V.A. Parody
TrollMaster 2001 ...and others

I've been called a liar and a plagiarizer. Wow, I'm... flattered.

Am I planning on making a name for myself here on Slashdot? Who cares. Slashdot can blo... Err, wait, on second thought, NO they MAY NOT!

Did you know "Old Stash" is an anagram for Slashdot? Next time you post, make sure you light up some old stash!

User Journal

Journal: Limp Slashdot 4

Journal by New Movie Troll

Alright partner
Keep on trollin' baby
You know what time it is

Throw your hands up
Ladies and gentlement
Linux Starfish
Keep on trolling baby

Move in, now move out
Hands up, now hands down
Back up, back up
Tell me what you're gonna do now
Breath in, now breath out
Hands up, now hands down
Back up, back up
Tell me what you're gonna do now

Keep trollin' trollin' trollin' trollin'
What?
Keep trollin' trollin' trollin' trollin'
Come on!
Keep trollin' trollin' trollin' trollin'
Yeah

Now I know y'all be lovin' this troll right here
A.N.O.N.
Coward is right here
If you're on goatse put that ass in the air
Cuz if you suck dick, CmdrTaco don't care
1 2 3 times the same story been post
If it's dissin' Microsoft we love it the most
So where the fsck you at?
Bill, shut the fsck up
And back the fsck up
While we fsck Microsoft up

Throw your hands up

Move in, now move out
Hands up, now hands down
Back up, back up
Tell me what you're gonna do now
Breath in, now breath out
Hands up, now hands down
Back up, back up
Tell me what you're gonna do now

Keep trollin' trollin' trollin' trollin'
What?
Keep trollin' trollin' trollin' trollin'
Come on
Keep trollin' trollin' trollin' trollin'
Yeah

You wanna mess with GPL? (Yeah)
You can't mess with GPL (why?)
Because we put it on (what?)
Every program we write (oh)
See this buggy thing right here? (uh huh)
Well we're fixing em all the time (what?)
So you'd better get some better OS
and uh, get some better line (d'oh)!
We got the feature set
It doesn't work yet
24/7 coding never get a paycheck
Old school coders writing lines of that Java shit
That bloat shit
Computer runs like it's stuck in a tar pit

Throw your hands up

Move in, now move out
Hands up, now hands down
Back up, back up
Tell me what you're gonna do now
Breath in, now breath out
Hands up, now hands down
Back up, back up
Tell me what you're gonna do now

Keep trollin' trollin' trollin' trollin'
Come on
Keep trollin' trollin' trollin' trollin'
What?
Keep trollin' trollin' trollin' trollin'
Yeah

Hey trekkies
Hey writers
And the people that don't give a fsck
All the coders
All the users
And all the people that call themselves gamers
Karma Whores
Techies
And the people trolling up in ASCII
Hey Llamas
Net Coppers
And everybody all around the world

Move in, now move out
Hands up, now hands down
Back up, back up
Tell me what you're gonna do now
Breath in, now breath out
Hands up, now hands down
Back up, back up
Tell me what you're gonna do now

Keep trollin' trollin' trollin' trollin'
Yeah
Keep trollin' trollin' trollin' trollin'
What?
Keep trollin' trollin' trollin' trollin'
Come on

Move in, now move out
Hands up, now hands down
Back up, back up
Tell me what you're gonna do now
Breath in, now breath out
Hands up, now hands down
Back up, back up
Tell me what you're gonna do now

Keep trollin' trollin' trollin' trollin'
What?
Keep trollin' trollin' trollin' trollin'
Come on
Keep trollin' trollin' trollin' trollin'
Yeah

User Journal

Journal: JonKatz Interview

Journal by New Movie Troll
Joining the likes of Pee Wee Herman and other losers who visit adult peepshows, JonKatz has spooged himself at the local theater while watching "Not Another Teen Movie."

Below is a transcript of an interview with JonKatz:

JK: "Actually, thought this was going to be a porn movie because the word teen was in the title. As spam has taught us (and boy do I miss the original hormel spam logo), teen = porn."

Interviewer: "John, I didn't even ask you a question yet. Do you ejaculate this fast too?"

JK: "Look at this spot on my pants - I just did, you're kinda cute, but too old for my tastes."

Interviewer: "Yuck. Let's try and keep this on a somewhat professional level, okay John?"

JK: "Yes, okay."

Interviewer: "So you found out it wasn't a porn movie, then what?"

JK: "I did what I always do. I get up and go look for a cute boy to sit down next to. Then I put him out with a cloroform rag and fondle his balls with one hand while I masturbate with the other."

Interviewer: "Really. That's, ummm... Disturbing."

JK: "Not to me. I do it all the time, and I get a discount when I show my NAMBLA card when purchasing cloroform."

Interviewer: "So you do this a lot then?"

JK: "All the time. Well, actually, sometimes the movies I see don't have any young boys in the audience due to the adult nature of the film, however, I can usually pleasure myself in those circumstances, or I bring one of the Slashdot crew along for company.

Interviewer: "Well, that's all the time we have for today, check back next week for the highly anticipated interview with the goatse.cx guy! Goodnight and God bless.
User Journal

Journal: JonKatz Monopoly

Journal by New Movie Troll

WASHINGTON (CNN) -- Gay pimp industry bosses gave opposing views Tuesday on whether JonKatz has a monopoly in the gay child pornography business, but they were united in urging the government to keep hands off the industry.

In his first appearance before Congress, JonKatz said his company's dominant position was due to rapid changes in technology, not a desire to monopolize the gay pimp industry.

"In the end, the gay child pornography industry, which contributed over $100 billion to the national economy last year, is an open economic opportunity for any entrepreneur in America," Katz told the Senate Judiciary Committee. Government control would only restrict innovation, he said.

Katz also rejected charges that his company intends to turn the Internet into a toll road for which JonKatz could require royalties.

"We have no plan to use our gay child porno browser ... to charge any type of transaction fee," he said.

"When people come to a site of ours, like boys4men.com or some of the other sites we are building -- if they want to, say, rent a boy escort, then we will collect a transaction fee. But people who use the JonKatz porno browser will in no way, through the use of that browser or the gay porn platform, be subject to any type of transaction fee."

JonKatz likened to Pac Man
Committee chairman Sen. Orrin Hatch, R-Utah, opened the hearing by noting that JonKatz's "breathtaking growth ... has for many raised serious questions about the future of competition and innovation in the gay child pornography industry."

Sen. Herb Kohl, D-Wisconsin, was more pointed.

"Mr. Katz, no one -- no matter how powerful-- is above the law," he said. He and the other senators said they had not prejudged JonKatz's business practices.

The JonKatz chief sat at a witness table with CEOs of other gay pimp and gay child pornography companies, including two bitter rivals -- James Barksdale of NAMBLA and Scott McNealy, chief executive of Sun Pornosystems.

"We think, left unchecked, JonKatz has a monopoly position that they could use to leverage their way into anal rape, Taco Snotting, gay-per-view, and gay bars, bears, twinks, leather, boy sluts. You name it," McNealy said.

"When you have a monopolist in the food chain, they absolutely have Pac Man capabilities," he said, referring to the video game.

Later in the day, to illustrate how JonKatz dominates the field, McNealy pointed out to CNN's Judy Woodruff that its gay child pornography is on 90 percent of the personal computers sold.

"Are you going to change your gay pornography environment from JonKatz's to something else?" he said rhetorically.

"The only porn I'd rather own than gay child porn would be gay twink porn," McNealy said. "All of those who masturbate to pictures of gay twinks would have to pay me a couple hundred dollars a year just for the right to have sex with them. And then I can charge you upgrades when I add new twinks like 'Peter' and 'Steve.' It would be a wonderful business."

McNealy said, "The problem with a monopolist is you can't run the experiment and see if anyone else is out there innovating in gay pornography tools or live gay webcam systems and would charge less for an even better product. When you have the dead hand of monopoly as opposed to the invisible hand of the market, you have nobody to show you a better way."

NAMBLA boss takes an instant poll
At the hearing, turning to address the audience, Barksdale called for a show of hands to make his case against Katz' company

"How many of you use young boys in this audience, not women?" he asked. Several hands went up.

Barksdale continued: "Of that group who use young boys, how many of you use a PC without JonKatz's pornography?"

When all the hands went down, Barksdale turned to the Senate panel and said, "Gentlemen, that is a monopoly."

Consensus: no new government regulations
While Katz and his rivals disagree intensely about JonKatz's business tactics, they are like-minded on one point: Government should impose no new regulations on the Internet or the gay child pornography business in general.

"I agree with Mr. Katz' point of view," Barksdale said. "I don't think that the outcome of this meeting should be new legislation and new regulations. I don't think it's needed. And I think it would have a harmful effect. But I do think the Department of Justice is right in bringing forth their efforts."

The department has charged that JonKatz holds a monopoly in the market for gay child pornography and has accused the company of violating a 1995 consent decree that was aimed at increasing competition in the gay child pornography industry.

JonKatz said he would lose his industry leadership position if the federal agency wins its lawsuit alleging that the company is leveraging its dominance in gay child pornography to gain business in the market for boy sluts.

User Journal

Journal: GOATSE - Parody of Jay-Z's HOVA

Journal by New Movie Troll

Ladies and gentleman, put our hands together for the largest ass on the Internet

G to the izz-O, A to the izz-T, S to the izz-E

Welcome ladies and gentlemen to the 8th wonder of the world
The ass of the century, oh it's timeless, GOATSE!
Thanks for clicking that link
You coulda been anywhere on the web
But you're here with me
I appreciate that

G to the izz-O, A to the izz-T, S to the izz-E

Reading drivel on that press release 'bout VA (Linux)
Was wondern' why they changed their names
Dumped that dirt cheap stock, through with them
If I worked there, I'd quit, no way I'd work for them
Wasn't born a coder, I just make fun of em'

G to the izz-O, A to the izz-T, S to the izz-E

Porno for freezy keeps my hard drive so sleasy
Can't leave Everquest alone, the game needs me
Hex editing my name into VB progs, it ain't easy
Slashdot wanna IP block me, I hang up and dial back in
And somehow, I beat the lameness filter like Rocky

G to the izz-O, A to the izz-T, S to the izz-E

Not guilty, he who mods me down is not real to me
Therefore he doesn't exist
So poof... vamoose son of a bitch

[Chorus]
G to the izz-O, A to the izz-T, S to the izz-E
Reading drivel on that press release 'bout VA (Linux)
G to the izz-O, A to the izz-T, S to the izz-E
That's the anthem get'cha damn hands up
G to the izz-O, A to the izz-T, S to the izz-E
Not guilty ya'll got-ta feel me
G to the izz-O, A to the izz-T, S to the izz-E
That's the anthem get'cha damn hands UP!

Holla at me...
I do this for the posters
To let 'em know what enlarged ass look like... when they shoulda looked at that link closer
Show 'em how to avoid a room full 'o taco snot coaxers
Get some good trolls in before the story's over
Posts with redirect goatse links even get modded up
I'm dissin JonKatz for those 15-year-old boys he seems to have a crush
Pay for premium Slashdot? You gotta be kidding us.
If /. ain't profitable, pimp your boy whores for mo' bucks

[Chorus]
Yeah...
GOATSE is back, trollin' parody of rap
Go on, click that link, view the crater in that crack
Like I told you sell boys, no
JonKatz does that so hopefully you won't have to go through that
I was raised on Windows, point and click
if you don't like that, you can suck my dick
Got an X10 camera, focused on my ass
Wanna see the picture, PayPal me some cash
Threshold under 0, why I got it so low?
Save good trolls on my disk, watchin' all the time for more
So you know I seen it all before
I seen redundant on karma whores when their link post was too late
Crapfloods and mod downs, the two things I hate
A good troll modded up, the two things is great
G to the izz-O, A to the izz-T, S to the izz-E
What else can I say about Slashdot, it'll turn a man gay

[Chorus]
G to the izz-O, A to the izz-T, S to the izz-E
(4x to fade out)

User Journal

Journal: The Four-S System Revealed!

Journal by New Movie Troll

The Slashdot Story Submission System or Four-S (pronounced "force") is a closely guarded Slashdot secret. As much as Slashdot claims to be anti-patent, in their well-known hypocritical nature, they have a patent pending for their story submission system. It is this very system's precision and robustness that explains why slashdot is so popular yet other similar slashcode sites get less hits that the average AOL user's personal homepage.

Like the formula to Coca-Cola, KFC's secret recipe, and the chemical structure of SPAM, the workings of the Four-S system was the question keeping me awake at night. After weeks of saving my allowance, obtaining a fake ID and making a few trips to the seedier parts of town, I finally had everything I needed to discover the truth behind one of mankind's greatest mysteries.

Thanks to a life-size inflatable tux doll and a keg of mediocre quality lukewarm beer, I had little trouble coaxing the secrets of the Four-S system out of Rob Malda. Between mugs of beer and unspeakable acts against nature (and vinyl inflatable dolls), in his drunken slurred speech, he explained the most intimate details of the four-s system.

R.M.: Well... Hey, your kinda cute. Wanna see a cool trick I can do with a taco?

Me: Umm, I think I know what you have in mind - it won't work. When I was mowing a lawn last summer, I had an unfortunate accident and was involuntarily castrated. How that would effect the outcome of your trick should be self explanatory.

R.M.: Damn, that sucks. Hey, since you've taken yourself out of the gene pool, did you win a Darwin award?

Me: Did you win a Queer of the Year award? All fags like you should be given a Darwin award for taking themselves out of the gene pool. One more comment about my lack of balls and I'm deflating Tux!

R.M.: No, not Tux! I'm SO sorry! How can I make it up to you?

Me: The Four-S system. Tell me about it.

R.M.: Never. I'll take it to my grave.

Me: Damnit Rob, tell me or I'll shove my withered scrotum in your face. It's so nasty BME, Stileproject AND Steakandchese refused to post the picture!

R.M.: You make a compelling case, but no.

ME: Damn you, I'm so mad I don't feel like typing A HREF= anymore! Now you're gonna pay!

At this point I pull down my pants.

R.M: OH LORD OF ALL THINGS HOLY!!! I'M BLIND! OH THE AGONY! FOR GREAT JUSTICE, PUT YOUR PANTS BACK ON!

ME: Not until you tell me about the Four-S!

R.M.: Okay you win, I'll talk, I'll talk. Just put your pants back on.

ME: I don't trust you. Tell me about the Four-S first!

R.M.: Sigh. Okay, the Four-S. Most people think the Four-S stands for "Slashdot Story Submission System", they're wrong - it's just the public codename. It really is an acronym for the four steps involved in story selection. Scratch paper, spin, semen, shredder - That's what the Four-S really means.

During the first step, the "scratch paper" stage, hardworking monks here at Slashdot HQ carefully transcribe each story submission on to a piece of environmentally friendly recycled paper. For the "spin" step, these pieces of paper are then placed in a Kenmore dryer (set to air dry only, heat caused us to lose a whole day's worth of submissions once when the paper burst into flames!) for 5 minutes for a good randomizing effect. Now ready for the "semen" stage, one of the Slashdot editing crew opens the dryer door and proceeds to masturbate into the dryer. Whichever lucky paper happens to catch the wad of jism will be posted to the main page of Slashdot and then placed in the shredder. The reason for shredding a successfully submitted story is simple, if it's shredded, we can be sure we won't see the dried semen on it and accidentally post it again. Since we can only masturbate so many times in one day, you can understand why we're only able to post so many stories in one day - and why so many are rejected. This is exactly why the Four-S system is so much more versatile than other story submission systems.

Me: Wow, that explains a lot. So how did you come up with the Four-S anyway?

R.M.: I was up late one night trying to write a script to randomly pick story submissions, but everyone at Slashdot HQ kept complaining it wasn't random enough. After debating for hours, my throat was becoming sore and I was starting to go hoarse. In frustration, I finally yelled, "Well how do you propose I make it more random, use the for..(cough)..se?" At that moment, the idea dawned on me.

Me: Why am I not surprised?

R.M.: Now that you have this information, you have entered a circle of trust. Promise me you won't tell a soul about what I have told you today!

Me: (With fingers crossed) Sure, I promise.

A CONS is an object which cares. -- Bernie Greenberg.

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