What does "just works" even mean? Do you want it to be able to reliably make phone calls without having to worry about software failing? Get a non-smart phone.
Ha! I had a number of "non-smart-phones" back in the late 90's and early 00's. After a while they'd develop some sort of problem that destroyed their usefulness. Sometimes it was general software crappery, occasionally it was something like the battery door had come loose and it'd jostle in my pocket and shut it down. On too many occasions I looked at the display, everything seemed okay, but it turned out the phone was frozen and needed the battery removed to be rebooted. I could not rely on these phones to act as an alarm clock, that's how bad they were. I eventually got a Palm Treo. It was less reliable than those, but at least it made up for it by having access to email and web browsing... sort of.
When my contract was up with the Treo the iPhone was on its second revision. I didn't expect much but I switched over to it. It wasn't long before it became my primary alarm clock. I can honestly say that I have never had an alarm on any of my iPhones fail to go off*. I've never missed a call because the phone decided not to tell me. (That happened a LOT with my "not-smart-phones".) In the last 7 years I think I've only done a hard-reset twice. If I had to do it again I'd have to look it up.
What I'm saying is I didn't have a reliable phone until I got a smart phone. Frankly if I had to switch to Android at some point, I'd go in quite confident I'd end up with a similar tale to tell.
Now was it all sunshine and roses? No. Wifi is finnicky on Apple devices. It's a common complaint and I can tell you I've personally experienced it. Also, between iOS 7 and 8, the quality of the operating system has gone down. I don't know what's going on over at Apple, but either the switch to 64-bit was a much bigger problem than they let on or they're just not giving a shit. Yes, my phone always rings and my alarm always goes off, but it's only recently that I've actually seen glitchiness on these phones. Apple's promising that iOS9 is the 'reliable' version. I hope for their sake that they manage it.
But I'm sorry, I found your comment funny. Maybe I'm not representative of a large group of people, but dumb-phones generally are crap.
* I do, however, be extra careful when daylight savings time comes and goes because Apple has screwed that up multiple times. I don't know why it takes three tries to write alarm code that can survive an hour disappearing or reappearing.