Good bye and good riddance, you piece of evil scum.
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The wizened ol' terrorist nazi said this can be a major breakthrough and perhaps offer a solution to the major problem faced by palestinians in the last 18 months.
"All this time", he began "we just thought that our young, innocent children were running off to blow themselves up in a vast uninhabited desert." "In fact," he continued "we have learned that there might be a nation of civilized people which have flourished once more in the region. We can't confirm this fact for ourselves, but perhaps in the near future we will be featuring this nation in our school textbooks" he said with apparrent delight.
Sla'ab Era'kat, a top-level senior terrorist adviser voiced himself earlier on Crescent News Network. "I dun't theenk eet iz wise to jumb to conclusions too queekly. We must tink thiz out wisely, and not makeh hurry to make ah beace wiz zis beoble."
(Editors note: We still aren't sure of what Mr. Slob said or meant, but we think its more important to give him the international podium, rather than to document the ongoing and rapidly growing anti-semitism worldwide and especially in Europe.)
Muhammad Dahlan is Gaza's local leader of Hamas. When he saw he was being approached by news cameras, he quickly gathered a few scarved women, and their little toddlers. Wasting no time, he whipped out his Israel-issued semi-automatic, and proceeded to wound, murder or alternatively maim these women and children. As they were carried on stretcher into abomb-lances, he offered an emotional statement to CNN.
"These poor innocent palestinians were harmed by israeli weapons for absolutely no reason (sob, sob). They were on their way to school, to the marketplace to buy food, or were innocently going to watch a public lynching"(sniffles, then wipes his nose with the cuff of his leather bombardier strap-on jacket). "Such humiliation of the palestinian people will not go unpunished." When asked who was responsible for this massacre, he offered "This is all a shameful maneuver by the free-world led by Israel and the U.S. to discredit the muslim religion and the palestinian right-of-return-postage for their mailbombs."
Nor the U.S. or Israel could be reached for comment, being that all the CNN camera crews are still searching for signs of the Jenin massacre.
This book does not in any way mean to suggest everything I have experienced in Israel this year. It should be understood as just a tiny glimpse into my strange world. Every story has layers of understanding to it, and can be enjoyed more with the more thorough explanation. Any incidental similarities to any person, place, events, or trademark names, are purely coincidental and are not to be misconstrued with/by any other parties.
By reading this document you agree to the following: I. You will not use any means, mechanically or electronically to illegally reproduce, copy, scan, cut-and-paste, photograph, e-mail, or whatever means which is yet to be invented for criminal purposes, be it farting on your sisters' friend's head. II. Transmission of this document is allowed only in its full, unedited and unaltered state. This includes radio or TV broadcasts, Semaphore, Smoke-signaling, modem or any network protocol, typing it on a keyboard, singing in the shower, or even encoding it in your breathing pattern by means of short-spasmodic gasping and/or coughing. III. Who the hell is reading this crap anyways? Probably some homo who goes to Polytechnic. IV. You agree to pay to the author of this article the sum of one hundred billion dollars ($100,000,000,000) and agree to be the author's personal slave for the rest of your short and miserable life. V. You will not attempt to recreate, relive or re-experience any event mentioned in these memoirs, as these are patented (U.S. Code 1665 - Patents #9918220, 8210729, 2394769, 2142678) as well as being inherently dangerous and potentially too stupid for duplicational purposes. Consider yourself warned.
Isaac's Adventures Revision 1.e
My Year In Israel:
Going to Eilat with David Cohen (* ER *) and meeting SY gees there. (Debra Haddad and Rosa Lee Dayan) We drove a stick car there (300km) even though neither of us ever drove stick before in our life!
Escava prank called some girl whose number I had mistaken for another, and it ends up being Chily Sorotzkin's sister. (I then stayed by their house the next Shabbat.) I met Chily from Yanki Deri.
TO'd some gee (Fraidy Berger) from Har Nof, and it ends up being that I guessed her boyfriend was Baruch Nager. We played spin the bottle and Truth or Dare. To further complicate matters, Michael Zilber saw us together and told Baruch. When she broke up with him the following week, he thought it was me who took his place (and asks me for advice!)
I went to "Kelle Masiyahu" in Lod twice. Once with my father and the second time with Rabbi David Yosef. Both times I was on the stage in front. The second time, Malki Kain (*Monkey Zayin*) was there in the tent of the yeshiva next door, she saw me and ran.
I ate by Rabbi David Yosef a few times. One Shabbat I TO'd his daughters Margalit and Chelly. On another Shabbat she even played Twister with Eddie Yedid. (* You guys are nuts *) Her cousin Avshalom gave me her number, and then she gave mine to her class.
Two weeks and 4 more gees later, some girl rats them out, so all the girls associated with me get their phones taken away. The same week, Yeshivat Chevron Geula takes all the guys phones away. (* Bergman causing ISSUES *)
Ruthi Hecht from Ramot Gimmel asks me to play a trick on two sisters in Bnei-Brak (Chani and Yael Zicherman), that I got their phone number from Yaakov Asor (an infamous conniving bastard)(* who's this?? *). I am also supposed to "play" being her brother named Isaac Bic (stolen from Naomi "Handlesman" Bic). Meanwhile this gee goes horseback riding all the time.
A month later I am at Yechiel Vaknin in B"B for Shabbat, so I tell them by whom I'm staying. A bachur named Chaim calls up Yitzhak Moyal and asks him who is Isaac Bic! I overheard the phone conversation and understood what had happened. The Zicherman girls asked Chaim if he knew Yechiel Vaknin and who was staying by him. So Chaim calls Yitzhak and kind of slips him the question. So I told Yitzhak the whole story and then we blasted Chaim that night! Another cute thing was the fact that the "Pirchachim" in B"B all wear kippot (and they have tattoos, body piercings, mushroom cuts, etc.)
The Six-Degrees-of-Michal Bonchek: (* i figured out this was mickey when I read 6 inch tongue *)
Yanki Deri -> Chily Sorotzkin -> Meir Beer -> Effi Green -> Chani Green -> Michal Bonchek. Her 6-inch tongue. Group showering in Mo'adon Go'ah, Mike's Place, Gan Ovadia, Har Nof forest party (I met Dalia who worked across the street in Neve Tzvi!) Hyatt party, and bowling. She still has my old Nokia 5110.
Sat with Yanki on a 15 bus to Geula during Hol hamoed Succot. We sit next to a girl named Molly Barak (What she had written on her phone.) Half-a-year later I called Mickey during her school trip, and a girl named Molly answered, I asked her if her last name is Barak, and whoa did she freak out.
Escava's fake ID expired so we couldn't rent the car for Netanya. We end up coming an hour late by cab to Netanya so we skip going gun shooting which is next-door to the Netanya Mall. That same time, a bomb goes off and killed 7-9 people by the entrance to the mall. Escava also forgot to bring our meat for Shabbat (after jacking our food-share pool contribution a 100 shekel each!)
The boys on the fifth floor had it really rough one night when starting at 4:00 there was a downpour which was leaking through the roof and was raining on the inhabitants beneath. They had an inch or two of water in their rooms. On my porch, the drain was clogged from the construction and so my room also was flooded with an inch of water.
The resident Bayit Vegan manish, Bruchi Yaffa, and company are in Mikdash for an off- Shabbat (another wonder that I was there!!). They take the payphone numbers and they prank-call us for a week. I also see them for a week straight in town and take the #21 bus with them thrice. One of them comes to me in town and asks me if I'm "ready" to talk.
On Rosh Hashanah, against specific orders not to leave yeshiva to eat out, I walk to Har Nof and eat by Rabbi David Yosef. I get into a fight with Albert Azrak, and walk back to Bayit Vegan myself. The next day the police came to my yeshiva, because they were told that I was stabbed and was missing from the hospital. They were also on a all-alert bulletin to arrest the two Arabs who supposedly stabbed me.
Everyone in Israel (besides for Mikdash) goes at least once a year to the grave of Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai in Meron. So I kished that Thursday morning with Yehuda Haber's father. We stopped in Haifa to pray minha in a "Miklat" or bunker. We then contiued on to Meron. We reached there after dusk, and got to a road block, which closed off the road to general traffic. Only busses and dignatories could get through. Rabbi Atiyeh's son made us a "dignatory" pass, so we got through, no problem. We danced, and pretty much had a blast that night. We kished at two in the morning, and got to Natbag (Namel Tnufah Ben Gurion) at five in the morning. We then split a cab to Yerushalayim. Later that morning, I shaved off my 33-day old stubble, and left a nice clean goatee.
On the following Sunday; Nimo, Carlos, Haraz, Ghermazian, and I get suspended for going to Meron on Lag BeOmer without permission. So everyone but Mark goes to Tel Aviv on Sunday for a very fun time at the Ezreali Mall.
I pray Vatikin at the Kotel, and I think to myself- "I should come back and pray with Yitzhak at Rabbi Derzi's minyan, opposite of the Kodesh Kodshim." Lo and behold I see Yitzhak walk in to pray Vatikin also, so I surprise him that I'm there. Then I see this man who looks exactly like Avi Salem, and this kid who looks exactly like my brother David. My day was off to a crazy start. And then we went to Holy Bagels and I befriended the manager so I got a free dozen bagels. (That Shabbat I stayed by Phillip Blumenthal's AP with Yitzhak, and we prayed Vatikin inside by the Kodesh Kodshim)
Yitzhak, Effi Green, Avraham Fish, and I went to Ganeh Ta'arucha for the inauguration of PM Ariel Sharon. Effi and I snuck through security and got inside. We stood by Arutz 2's booth and watched them interview Limor Livnat and Eli Yishai, later on the way back to Jerusalem, we stopped at a shwarma store right outside of Bnei-Brak, and all the people recognized us from the TV because we were standing right behind the people being interviewed.
Chani Sprung gets my number from Mady Sorotzkin and prank calls me. I give the phone to Nachman every time and he gazzes her up ("Did you ever see a grown man naked?"). Once I was with Yitzhak when she called, and Yitzhak got so upset at her, and he threatened to call the police.
Yitzhak crashed into another car when backing out from yeshiva to see Malki and Miri Kain.
Haim Arrusy and I have an argument whether Miri Kain shoofs boys or not. I said a definitely no way. That night I'm in the mall with Yitzhak, and we stand on the stairs with my back to the tables. 20 minutes later I see Miri Kain walk by me. Yitzhak asks me who she is, and he explains because she was staring at me the whole entire time. A few nights later, he drops me off after a movie, and while we were still talking in the car, a taxi pulls up, Miri gets out and walks home. Yitzhak again asks who she was, because she also was staring at me. Then he flipped when I told him that it was the same gee from the mall.
Chana Amir gave her phone to her friend, who sat next to Yitzhak and I in the food court in the mall (Yitzhak recognized her as being the friend, because Chana Amir and her friend came to Phillips A.P. for shtupping purposes.) Acting on hunch, I send her a message saying, "At nimtzat behakanyon achshav?" The girls at the table next to us jump up and start looking around for who sent the message. They get up and walk out of the food court. Two minutes later I get a phone call from a blocked phone, and some girl starts screaming at me-
"Ech kibalta hamispar sheli?"
"Me-Chana Amir. At adayin nimtzet behakanyon?"
"O sheken, o shelo, mashe-batuach, ulay. Bye!"
I befriend the DJ in the Boyers school. One party I'm there and dancing away when in walks in Uri Nahum and Mark Ghermazian. Anyways it's a Co-Ed dorming school, and the students are forbidden to smoke. I wonder what they do after sex.
One day, Steven Assoulin and I decide to take a day off, so we rent a car from Sixt. We go to Telz Stone and pick up Meir Beer. We then go to Chof Rishon Letzion and hang out on the beach. Four hours and six jellyfish bites later, we kish and go to Chof Hahilton in Tel Aviv. After sunset, we head to El Guacho in Ramat Gan for an awesome supper. We gaz the waitress up, and she calls me Mickey Mouse because I was wearing my baseball cap sideways.
There was this huge soliditary rally called "Yerushalayim Shelanu" which was attended by over 250,000 people and held by the Old City. Haim Arussy and I attended and Haim brought along his "Bongilla". Everywhere we go, people are stopping us and asking for a "Shachta". We then stole a couple of the big signs to bring to yeshiva. We hung them with ropes outside the yeshiva to the yeshivas' utter dismay. They were taken down a week later.
I went with Yehuda Haber to Beit Orot, the party the night preceding Yom Yerushalayim. Every youth was there. There was a music concert and many campfires. "Vaad Hatzniyut" was there and unsuccessfully prying the opposite sexes apart. We had a couple of beers and were otherwise rolling. We then went to pray Vatikin by the Kotel. The Kotel was packed with a million "Srugies" that morning and of course those off-the-wall "Carblechas", each vying to be the loudest, most annoying of demographic representation.
Ahh... The Hyatt Party- what an exquisite one it was. My last attended party in Jerusalem. I took Jack Dweck and Eliezer Reitti along with me. The shots were expensive at 28 shekel for a Polish Butterfly. After due diligence and persuasion, Polishes were acquired at 28 shekel; however they were served in wine glasses, making it a bargain. I TO'd first Leat, and later Dafna. Leat got so drunk, she started crying. Of course "Psychobitch" Suri (The ex-Gothic) gee with messed-up teeth) comes over and asks me if I want to screw her friends (Leat and Leah). That's just her party-spoiling attitude. Oh, and she doesn't drink because she "gets migraines". The boys left at 2:30, I stayed until it was over at 6:00.
One night, I was chilling in Ya'ar Yerushalayim with Chani Green. After she smoked weed and had a shot of vodka, she was gone. I had to carry her back to Har Nof. I brought her to Mickey's house. That's where I met Penina. Anyways Mickey's sister thought I smoked the weed, because we both stunk from the campfire, vodka and the weed.
Yitzhak Moyal and I would rent DVDs to watch all the time in Phillips A.P. Eventually when Nachman brought his laptop we started watching in yeshiva. Chani Green came a few times.
Once I was peacefully reading a book in the bathroom on the 5th floor. Along came some idiot, and tossed a bucket of water on me through the broken windowpane. I was soaked, as well as the book, and my phone too. I came out all excited, but nobody would say who was responsible. Plus the fact that Escava was laying down in my bed listening to "Dave Matthews" on my stereo system. He refused to budge. So I got all hotheaded, and decided to leave for the night. I packed my orange colored briefcase and jumped from the first floor to the ground floor outside, even though it was raining. I slept in the A.P. that night. The next morning I was exhausted, and didn't pay much attention when I boarded the #39 bus at precisely 7:00 AM. I went all the way in the opposite direction to Sanhedria by accident. It took another hour and a half to get back to school.
Once I was with Yanki,we were eating in Asado Blues Brothers Steak House (yes thats the name!) when his ex-girlfriend from Har Nof strolls by; Bracha. What happened is that Yanki stepped out for a second, and I called her over. She was looking at me wierd, because how did I know her name. I told her, wait just a second, and just then Yanki returned- he was shocked! After we ate, we dropped them home in Har Nof on Rechov Chai Tayeb. A week later I was in town with Yehuda Haber, and perhaps very bored. So I decided to bring some light to Ben Yehuda. Across from Fro-yo (Frozen Yogurt) on Luntz street, in the cross section of Ben Yehuda street there is a large cylindrical structure for the purpose of adherence of advertisement and flyers. Using my trusty lighter, I set flame to it, and watched as its pulpy mass slowly made its bright, hungry but quick conversion to ashes. It was indeed time to run, and observe safely from a distance. I ran all the way to Cafe Rimon, and bumped into Bracha. After a quick hello, I diverted her attention to the conflaguration at hand. She quickly grasped the situation when she saw the police and soldiers running up to the structure to put out this little resistance asserted by the fire. As I announced my full-part in this social 'hack', Bracha and her group of friends made a quick statement of informing me I was mad, and not normal. Thats Bergman causing issues again.
Perhaps the greatest shock is not what has transpired in Israel, but even its rippling effect here in America. Such as the Rabbi Avraham Sutton, whom I met through Jack Kesuess around six years ago. Then when I met a guy named Yosef in Gan Sacar playing basketball and he happened to be an awesome player. He also is a friend of Yanki, and lives in Telz Stone. One Friday afternoon, we were both walking from Gan Sacar towards the old city, and I asked him what his last name is, and he told me Sutton (well he said the hebrew version which is closer to "Sitton"). So I asked him if he was related to Avraham Sutton from California. He told me that in fact his fathers name is Avraham, and that he was from California, but he doesn't know of any other Suttons from there with the same name Avraham. Little did I realize, until when I was back home, and we were rearanging the bookcase, and we pulled out a manuscript from Avraham Sutton from six years ago. On the top, was clearly written out,
Telz Stone, Israel
112 Rechov Yerushalayim