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Journal: hzzbzl

Journal by LOTR Troll
http://www2.buffnews.com/deaths/result.asp?typesel=003&dateselect=3/3/2003&sortby=last_name#25

LILLEY - James J. 3/2/2003

Of West Seneca, N.Y., entered into rest suddenly, March 1, 2003. Beloved husband of Joan (nee Catanzaro) Lilley; devoted father of James J. II and Jonathan D. Lilley; loving son of Samuel J. and Catherine L. (nee Ruh) Lilley; dear brother of Cathleen (Andrea) Apuzzo, Joleen (A. Charles) Ernest, Maureen DePerro and Timothy Sr. (Kelly) Lilley; fond son-in-law of Teresa Catanzaro; also survived by relatives and many friends. Relative and friends may visit the LOMBARDO FUNERAL HOME (Southtowns Chapel), 3060 Abbott Rd. near Lake Ave., on Sunday from 2-4 and 7-9 PM and Monday from 4-8 PM, where the funeral will be held on Tuesday morning at 11:15 o'clock and a Mass of Christian Burial will be celebrated in St. John Vianney Church at 12 Noon. Interment Holy Sepulchre Cemetery.
Christmas Cheer

Journal: Full House: The Grocery Store

Journal by LOTR Troll
Danny Tanner woke up abruptly with a massive hangover, vomited into his bedside sick-bucket and wiped his mouth with the bedsheets. "FUCKING SHIT," he exclaimed after pressing his lips to an empty plastic 1.75L bottle of Jenkins 90 Proof Vodka, "Out again already, goddamnit!", chucking the empty plastic jug to the floor. Danny Tanner staggered his way down the hall banging on his children's doors as he passed, yelling "Get your asses out of bed! We need to take a little trip to the store for daddy because none of you little bastards is old enough to buy alcohol! I expect that you'll all have your collars on by the time I'm done taking a shit! Make sure you fasten Michelle's tighter this time!" The Live Studio Audience whoops in approval. Danny slams the bathroom door shut. Shortly afterwards, distinguishable gas farts and watery diarrhea noises are heard from the surrounding rooms, accompanied by grunts, moans and further vomiting.

D.J. was aware of the consequences of not using Danny's allotted time window, so promptly put on her dog collar with the spikes pointing toward the neck, as this is the only way Danny would accept them to be worn (with fear of beating mind you.) It was always the opinion of D.J. that mild stabbing pains around the neck were preferable to a savage beating in addition to the stabbing pains later. Being the eldest forced her into the position of being "responsible" for the younger siblings and thusly would endure the majority of all beatings. Steph knew this and purposefully made D.J. chase her around the living room yelling "You can't catch me! You can't catch me!" Upon the third lap, D.J. heard a loud THUD. Michelle, previously perched on the back of the sofa, had fallen face first onto the floor. Although simply shocked by the fall, the small mongoloid only began crying as she noticed the warm blood on her finger after some nosepicking. Live Studio Audience sniggers. Steph finally decided to stop being a little shit and submitted. D.J. put on Steph and Michelle's collars and proceeded to attach the leashes.

After gaining some composure, Danny burst out of the bathroom and headed for Joey's bedroom. Before knocking on the door, he noticed grunting coming out of the room. "Don't try to insert an un-lubed summer sausage of that size into me, Joey! It'll rip!" Jesse's toned-down voice could be heard through Joey's door. Danny yelled "Uhm, I'm going out to get some booze, you guys want any?" Footsteps shuffled and magazine pages were thumbed through for several seconds before Joey replied, "No, we're cool. Jesse's just....helping me...clean ... up. See you later." Danny made his way back downstairs while listening to more shuffling and manly giggling.

"Well well," he condescendingly remarked "so you finally learned." Danny took the three leashes and lightly yanked them along towards The Van. "Get yer asses in." Danny opened the The Van's rear door, exposing the three lettuce crates of which he had created makeshift child seats, tethered with nylon rope. "Seatbelts please. Thank you!" The girls hadn't yet fastened their "safety belts," but would need to, with Danny's erratic driving skills.

Danny Tanner peeled out of the driveway, nearly hitting D.J.'s young friend Kimberly Gibbler. The Live Studio Audience cheers with laughter as Kimmy is caught off guard and crashes her banana-seat bicycle into the Tanner mailbox. Laugh Track plays as Danny observes the incident through his rear-view mirror and remarks, "I'll deal with that shit when we get home." Danny darted down the interstate, passing cars in both the fast and slow lanes, taking the second exit. Danny disregards the offramp stop sign and tears-ass into the Safeway parking lot's primo handicapped parking space. Danny hops out of The Van, opens the rear doors, take his daughters' leashes and marches them into the supermarket's seafood section. Danny lifts Michelle into a freezer "playpen" bin and instructs his two older daughters to "Keep an eye on this one, or else." Danny left the store in a rush, exiting to the right toward Jake's Liquor Store.

Steph opens a plastic container of imitation crab meat and dumps the liquid-solid mixture onto her younger sister's head. Michelle shivers as she grips the frost-laden freezer bin's outer edges, trying to hoist herself up a bit to see what was happening in the store.

A young boy of Steph's age had escaped his mother's kiddie harness and peeked over the opposite side of the bin, where Michelle and her sisters couldn't see him. Knowing that the young child was mentally crippled, he, like the Live Studio Audience found it humorous that tugging on the toddler's jumpsuit pajamas caused her to fall over. Michelle restored herself to the former standing position on side of the freezer, but was tugged down a second time with greater force and began crying. The young boy ran away chuckling. Steph heard this and yelled "Hey I know you! You're Bobby Sherman! Wait up!" Steph darted off as onlookers watched the four-child spectacle happen around the freezer bin. D.J. yelled "Hey! Get back here!" and chased after the middle child, Live Studio Audience laughing. The shoppers quickly lost interest and didn't notice that Michelle had managed to climb out of the freezer bin. Michelle squandered her newly-gained freedom for several minutes picking up dust-bunnies from under the massive refrigerator with her cold numb hands and tasting them.

Danny soon returned from the liquor store, three shopping bags in hand. "Oh what the FUCK!" he roared as he saw the Michelle alone, sitting beside the receptacle. He heaved his daughter back into the frosty cell and went on a hunting trip for his other children. Not half a minute had elapsed before he heard the pitter-patter of two sets of feet. He spotted D.J. chasing her sister down the T.V. dinner aisle and quickly caught up, kicking D.J. square in the back as she grasped Steph's leash. Both girls fell to the floor hard as D.J. impacted with Steph. "You'll suffer the penalties when we get home, but you need to retrieve your sister RIGHT FUCKING NOW and get in The Van before I beat you right here!" The two girls make their way back to the freezer and struggle to get the little tard out and are finally hauled off by their leashes toward The Van.

After crumbling and chucking the handicapped parking ticket that was under his windshield wiper, Danny drove home at a slower speed, obeying all traffic laws for the most part. He was very angry and was deciding on the punishment for his two oldest daughters. The show's scene-switching saxophone music plays as it fades into the Tanner residence backyard, where Danny is supporting the lid of a metal box. "Your punishment, eighteen hours in the hot box! Your whore of a mother would be ashamed if she were still alive." he grinned maniacally as he shoved the girls into the homemade black spray-painted hotbox in the noon sun.

Danny, being a reasonable father, went inside with Michelle on his left shoulder. He offloaded his youngest into her crib, and returned with a bottle containing an equal measure combination of Gordon's Gin and whole milk. The Live Studio Audience "Awwwws" as the child dozes off from the alcohol she consumes, and the scene fades into credits.
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Journal: Full House: Weekend Recollection 2

Journal by LOTR Troll
TheMonday morning after a weekend spent mostly at the VA Hospital with her mentally crippled sister depressed D.J. slightly. Uncle Joey passes by the unhinged door of D.J.'s room and says "You're sexually harrassing me with your eyes you little bitch, get your fuckin' ass out of bed, it's time for school. Cut It Out! No seriously, don't make me undress you." Uncle Joey departs licking his lips and heading downstairs. D.J. pulls the covers over her head drifts off into a recurrence of events sequence as the audience laugh track plays.

We're now observing the events of Saturday as D.J. is dreaming. D.J. is required by her father to use a specific routine each time her sister Michelle needs medical attention for asthma attacks and immunizations, of course Danny would never bother to to do this for his youngest offspring. However, D.J. does it reasonably well, albeit mostly slower than could be done through legitimate channels. On Saturday afternoon she arrived at the hospital, claiming to be a pre-teen runaway that lives in a dumpster with her retarded sister. As usual, a nurse promptly took the pair to the rear of the children's ward and had them stripped after administering a generic inhaler on Michelle. The nurse Juanita, a middle-aged heavy-set black woman asked with mild compassion "Good looooahhd, why you have this padlock on your puujammas?" D.J. had no reasonable reply, none that wouldn't wind her up in a worse abusive foster home again, so lied and said she did not know. "Don' you worry tho', I gots a pair of bolt cuttahs near the crazy ward, I will be right back yungins." Juanita returned shortly with bolt cutters and cut the lock off of the homemade fabric secure.

Juanita said quickly, "You know the drill" as she surprised the two sisters with a forceful, icy burst from a garden hose; laugh track applauding as the girls squirmed in frozen discomfort. Juanita threw soaps at the girls. Juanita exlaimed in disbelief, "Mercy D.J., you have a mighty serious case of jock itch for a chile of yo' age!" Michelle didn't know what to make of the soap, so bit off a tiny piece. Michelle, like most retards, reacted in a heavily emotional manner to the bitter taste in her mouth as she began to foam, and swallowed most of it on accident. Juanita exlaimed "Good loahhhd," and directed the hose stream square into the tard's open whiney mouth, knocking her onto her naked ass as the laugh track reched climax. D.J. was nearly finished washing herself, and let her idiot-child sibling struggle against Juanita's hose current, bawling as full volume while Juanita chuckled heartily at the reaction she had induced.

D.J. dried herself off and watched Juanita deliver the thick stream of water at Michelle's tiny hindquarters; pushing her along the slick tiled floor with a white nurse's shoe. Several minutes later Juanita dried Michelle off, sat her down on an examination table and administered a Polio immunization. The tard showed signs of discomfort, but was met with a swift slap to the head by Juanita in anticipation. Juanita remarked "Don't you be lettin' that chile cry in this hospital room!" Michelle sat stunned; cross-eyed as the laugh track played. "Time to see what chile welfare can do about a foster home fo' you kids," Juanita said as she left the exam room. D.J. picked up her little sister and snuck past the front desk of the hospital and left the building, bare asses visible through the rear of their hospital gowns as the sequence of occurance faded out with the laugh track playing in the background.

Danny was walking past his daughter's room and noticed that she was still sleeping. Danny took off his leather belt, halved it, placed the folded end in his palm and savagely began to beat his daughter with the buckle end of the belt, screaming "Your Uncle Joey *thwap* told your ass to *thwap* get out of *thwap* bed! You remind me of your dead mother, useless, may she burn in hell! Get out of bed!" Danny Tanner put his belt back on, buckled it, took something out of his pocket wrapped in a Burger King hamburger paper wrapper and threw it at his daugher. "Here's breakfast, be careful of the extra 'surprise' I've included," Danny said as he left in the hall chuckling snidely with the studio audience. D.J. unwrapped a half-eaten BK Whopper that had been in Danny's left pocket for several days and ate it greedily, dabbing at some ketchup on a snotty kleenex that was wrapped with the burger. The scene closes with the credits rolling over a freeze-frame of D.J.'s face immediately after having seen the repulsive kleenex with about a teaspoon worth of yellow phlegm.
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Journal: Full House: Weekend Bonanza 2

Journal by LOTR Troll
D.J. Tanner woke up at 9 A.M. It was Saturday and did not have to go to school. She hopped out of her bed and knocked on her father Danny's door."Dad! I need you to unlock the padlock on my jumpsuit jammies! I have to go pee!" The audience laugh track chimes in. Danny, half drunk and half hungover after a night of heavy drinking and unsuccessful hookup attempts with skanky 45 year old singles at the local 40's and up bar, yelled back at his daughter "Shut the fuck up you stupid little cunt! You're worse than the voice dubs I do for those fucking home videos! Piss off!" D.J. really needed to relieve herself. For fear of being beaten by her surly hungover father, she crawled back into bed crying, and pissed herself. She cried herself back to sleep.

Around 10AM D.J. was awoken suddenly, this time with her little sister Steph squatting over her face and letting out a quick squeaker. "Hey ya little bedwetter! You peed your bed you little bedwetter! I'm eight years old and I don't piss the bed you fucking bedwetter! I'm telling!" Steph dove off of D.J.'s bed and ran for "Uncle Joey's" room. The studio audience laugh track plays again. Although "Uncle Joey" has no true relation to Danny or the Tanner kids, Danny lets his bisexual friends "Joey" and "Jesse" crash at his place. Several minutes later, Uncle Joey walks into the trembling D.J.'s room. "What's the matter? Have you wet yourself? Let's have a look." Uncle Joey, a convicted child molester on parole and failed stand-up comedian rolled D.J. onto her stomach and groped around her buttock and privates area. "Looks to be mostly dry. Hey you little bitch, why are you coming on to me? Cut-It-Out," Uncle Joey says simultaneously doing a ridiculous fluid scissors-point -backwards-thumb motion with his right hand. The studio audience laugh track plays again as Uncle Joey leaves the room with a semi.

A loud crashing noise is coming from upstairs! I sounds as if Uncle Jesse is trying to play drums again! Once again the laugh track sounds, for this is a regular gag on the show. Uncle Jesse is a bisexual washed-up 80's hair band singer who never really learned how to play an instrument. His minor success in 1985 with the Bronze-record hit "Man What A Man" was mostly pantomime for concerts and the little-known music video shown one time on MTV at 2AM. A mediocre-at-best singer, Uncle Jesse had his way with Joey's asshole during the night, was nude from the waist down and still had shit dried on his dick. D.J. ran upstairs to giggle at the talentless hack that is her non- related Greek uncle. "Uncle Jesse, you're funny!" D.J. remarked, half hiding behind the door jam. "Go check on your little sister, she probably needs to be changed," Uncle Jesse says as he hammers out a really bad rimshot. The laugh track sounds, indicating the long-running joke where D.J. is forced to change a shitty diaper each episode. "But Uncle Jesse, Steph doesn't wear diapers," she replied. Uncle Jesse, with his Mediterranean temper fuming yells back at D.J. "You know I'm talking about your littlest sister you fucking shit! Go take care of her!" Uncle Jesse bangs out several poorly executed drum solos as the laugh track plays.

D.J., always stuck with the responsibility of caring for her little sister was growing tired of her, so ignored Jesse's suggestion and went to have some cereal and watch cartoons. The refrigerator was completely empty, so she finally went back upstairs to check on her little sister. Little Michelle was romping around in general squalor, the usual condition of her crib. Shit was smeared over most of the mattress, but the hapless little tyke was usually standing, looking out through the bars like a prisoner yelling "Ous Cream! Ous Cream!" D.J. thought to herself, "Oh yeah, you want Ice Cream, huh?" as she began changing the little down syndrome toddler's diaper. She dumped the child's feces and urine from the diaper into an ice cream bowl and replaced the filthy diaper. D.J. shoved the bowl of crap at her young sister and screamed "Ous Cream!!! OUS CREAM!" The studio audience let out a collective "aaaaaaw," expressing how cute it was. The little tard sampled a few tastes, but began having a violent asthma attack.

D.J. ran to her father's door and screamed "Dad! Michelle is having an asthma attack again!" Danny stormed to his locked bedroom door still nursing the hangover, unlocked the door and backhanded his eldest daugher. "You know what the fuck to do! Get her on your bike and take her to the VA hospital! I'm going back to sleep and don't you fucking let her die." Danny yelled as he went back to bed.

The episode concludes with D.J. riding off into the San Fransisco noon with her sister sprawled across the banana seat, still in her soiled pajamas, studio audience clapping as the closing credits roll by with closing theme music.
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Journal: The Myth of Planet Pluto 1

Journal by LOTR Troll
This is a fair and accurate rebuttle which provides evidence to the contrary concerning the existance of "Pluto":

The occurrance of a false-scientific conspiracy is rare. What am I referring to, you ask? I refer to the existance (or, lack of) the "Planet Pluto." Supposedly "discovered" in 1930 by Astronomer Clyde Tombaugh by accident, was merely a clever story to claim credit for a "new planet" and scientific precedence. The pure and simple truth is the FACT that the planet Pluto does not exist. The reason for orbital disturbances beyond the planet Neptune are explained in a rather simple non-planetoid manner. Rather than a planet-sized mass made mostly of frozen water, methane and carbon-oxygen compounds, a more plausable suggestion is a mobile gravity well or dark matter pocket of comperable space-distortion magnitude. Contrary to popular belief and physical evidence, the Oort cloud does not possess any other masses similar in magnitude to "Pluto." In fact, the second largest Oort fragment is all but .00012% in mass magnitude, compared to what is known as "The Planet Pluto." The assertion that a mysterious ball of ice exists by itself beyond a real gas planet [Neptune] with no subsequent balls of ice similar size-magnitude beyond this supposed "planet."

As far as optical "evidence" is concerned, Oort fragments aligning in a per-chance optical arrangement distorts sunlight in a manner that appears planetoid, but is really rather faint to be considered a "planet." Reconsider your universe: Pluto does not exist.

The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has the order.

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