idiot found using twitter, news at 11:00
If you do not have a strong programming background, nobody is going to hire you as a programmer.
Look for IT Admin positiions, preferably with a very niche product. Find a contracting company that is willing to take you on, provide you with some form of training (whether it be just materials, and say go read it yourself, or hands on) and place you.
Can we just get rid of him?
In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's.