CAUTION - if you have problems with talk of prayer, God, and other stuff like that, you probably want to leave now.
I think I've just had my belief that God is out there reaffirmed. Or more acurately, last night I did. Sooooo...
Saturday, I was meant to be in London, but didn't go in the end because I'd been up all night Friday feeling crap, to the point of very nearly ODing - the only thing that stopped me was the fear that it wouldn't work and I'd have to explain to people, or that it would work, but no one would care.
So I'd been sat at home all day, feeling crap, and guilty for not going to London, because I was meant to be seeing a friend of mine do a bungee jump. At [checks] 4:13 I got an e-mail from a friend asking if I was going to Big Story, a big church event in Southampton aimed at young people, which is always excellent. I've had bad experiences though, disassociating, and generally feeling bad, but I decided to go - mainly so I could see some people having been hiding in my room for a week or so.
I got there shortly before it started, and only Chris was there from my church, but I did speak to someone from work for a while. And then the show kicked off with a different band to usual (who were excellent by the way). I got into it for a while, and then started to disassociate just before the talk.
From there, things started getting strange for me - the talk was on the subject of God picking people who don't think that they're good enough for the job (Gideon was the example used for those who are interested), and afterwards the guy running the night said that they wanted to pray for anyone with low self-esteem, which he then went on and did. By this point I was already feeling a bit shaken up by God, and was stood praying by myself, trying to work up the courage to get prayed for by someone - I think as a way of stalling, I asked God for a sign.
A little later someone came over and asked if he could pray for me - I wasn't making any signals that I wanted to be prayed for, he just came over because he thought he should pray for me.
We prayed for a while, just about purpose and God having plans, when the person from work I'd been speaking to came up to the front, and said that she'd seen an image of a plaster, and that she thought that it was relevant to someone. Enter stage left, one sign from God.
So I bit the bullet and explained my SI to the person praying for me, who while he looked a bit shocked, took it well, and started praying about that... at which point I just felt completely flooded with God - I burst into tears, and started shaking, and about from the odd word, stood there, in the middle of everyone, crying for what I guess must have been at least half an hour.
After that, Chris came up to me, and asked if I was ok. The only answer I could think of was "I don't know", which is fairly usual for me at a Big Story - Chris had certainly heard it before, and knew well enough that an answer like that meant I could do with going somewhere less full of people.
So we went out to one of the corridors, and sat on a sofa, where I just sat, and starred into space for a while. After a bit, he asked me if I wanted to talk... so I thought for a while, and then started the only place I really knew - the night before when I'd been on the edge of killing myself. I got about 6 words out, and then started crying again, and didn't stop for what I guess must have been about 15 minutes, hugging Chris.
Eventually I stopped, and during that time the person who'd been praying for me earlier had seen me, gone again, and come back with some tissues.
Being Chris, he did the only thing he could do, and asked if they could pray for me again... so they prayed for me, and I cried a bit more. After praying for a while, Chris told me that he didn't think that God wanted me to just survive, but that he wanted me to rise above everything, and to enjoy life.
During that time, the event had finished, and since neither of us had a way home planned (we usually blag a lift of someone afterwards), I asked if he was ok walking home so that we could talk.
That's probably the longest walk I've ever had (and I've got lost in the New Forest for 6 hours before) - I explained to him how I feel... that I'm constantly lonely, but being around people just makes me feel more alone. How I can't talk to people about how I feel. The hopelessness of fighting through today, so that tomorrow can be the same.
And he listened - and more importantly admitted that he didn't know how it felt, or how to help. He even asked if there was anything that he could do to help, so I told him just to check up on me every now and then, and that if I say I'm "ok", then I'm probably not because ok isn't a state I'm ever in.
Eventually we got to my house, where we said goodbye, and I went in and explained everything to the friend I was meant to be in London with (I'd spoken to her on the phone earlier, but not really explained why I hadn't come).
And today - for the first time in as long as I can remember - I felt... peaceful. Sure, there were moments when I got depressed again, I didn't expect everything to go away over night, but there were moments when I could be happy just being.
I'm still a little scared... all of a sudden all the feelings I've kept carefully locked away inside so that no one knows that I'm not ok are outside. People who I've been telling I'm not great, but I'll be ok now know that I wasn't ok... I wasn't even nearly ok.
Somehow though, it's good to know that people care... the main reason I don't talk to people about how I feel is the belief inside me that they just wouldn't care if I did. They'd listen, and look sympathetic, but then they'd go home and forget about it.
Now I know they do care - I've seen a friend cry about it, and another forget about the fact I left them in the middle of London. I just need to remember that.
Sorry if this has been long and rambly, but I wanted to have this written down somewhere, so that I can go back to it later and remember it all. If you've read this far - thanks