You think teaching chess is punishment?
You are seriously stupid. Kids grab onto chess at a really early age. Not all of them will continue, but they enjoy the basic learning, and it's a cheap, and easy way to each them how to think.
" I can't remember playing a single game of chess. "
You're loss. It teach better long term straevy, tactice then any game you mentioned., and it has a way to progress, should you choose, in a measurable way.
I've play all the game listed. Nothing is as pure for reasoning and strategy then chess.
"highschool geek back when the term meant something."
ah, scotsman fallacy coupled with ignorance, well done. Chess also teaches taking pride in thinking deeply. Based on you post, you could of used a few games of chess.
You are essentially saying "I've never played chess seriously, therefor it's not as good as these other game I played".
Since you seem to value this sort of thing I"m going to say it seen thought its not actually data:
I've been playing strategy games since 1972, and I still do. A few times a year me and about 14 friends rent a house and play games for 4 days.
I played chess in school pretty seriously, for a while. did well, but I never liked competing seriously as a child.