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Journal Interrobang's Journal: Cunnilingus Contest Logistics (Warning: R-Rated) 18

Journal by Interrobang
A friend of mine said on LiveJournal that s/he wished there were a cunnilingus contest to enter, because "Sweet words are darned nice, but I want a trophy!"

Glenn admits that the judging would be a "lengthy process," but I submit it would be a logistical nightmare:

1) First of all, who gets to enter? Males? Females? Some of each? (And where does someone transgendered like Glenn fit into that spectrum precisely? Do we judge the Glenn by the Glenn's chromosomes, or by clothing?) Judging is, admittedly, an easier problem from that standpoint: Only those of them with the requisite equipment to receive cunnilingus can judge.

Note: The first person who makes one of those terribly offensive "lesbian trapped in a man's body" jokes will be drug out in the street and shot like a dog.

2) By what criteria do we judge cunnilingus? The whole "good/bad sex" continuum is so bloody subjective. I mean, what works for me I know from conversations with past/current lovers doesn't work for other women, and vice versa.

3) Likewise, whom do we select from our eligible pool of female judges? Straight females, bi females, lesbian females? Some of each? If we have a mix of sexes in the contestants, and a mix of orientations among the judges, who gets to lick whom, and how do we keep track of the scoring (!!) that way?

4) Do we give the contestants and/or judges a "bye" or two, so that we avoid the problem of clashing orientations and/or the old "he/she just doesn't do it for me" problem? How do we deal with differing standards of attractiveness among the judges and contestants?

5) How do we structure the tourney? As a sort of round-robin (albeit with a bye or two), so that just about everyone judging gets licked by just about everyone else? Do we arrange a blind licking? (If so, how does the contestant get horny enough to enjoy a blind licking?) How do we deal with people who may have a predisposition to (serial) monogamy (whether they know it or not) and therefore may bias the results?

6) How do we arrange and tabulate the scores? Perhaps by division (Male/Female, Male-on-Female, Female-on-Female)? Collectively, so the person who gets the highest total ratings (in their division?) gets the (division) title? Should we just grade everyone like English essays and leave it at that?

7) Finally, how do we ensure everything is safe, sane, and consensual for all the participants? Do we therefore mandate the use of dental dams (and thereby diminish a lot of the sensations for both licker and lickee -- bleah, latex tastes ick)? Do we mandate pre-screening for STDs, thereby causing some people some expense/inconvenience for blood tests and the like? And what about physical safety? How do we make sure no one gets too rough, or no one hits a wrong nerve somewhere and gets (accidentally or on purpose) kicked in the throat or something (hey, it happened to me once)?

8) Also, where do we situate the contest? What venue? (A motel, perhaps? Pennsic??) Do we charge admission and allow the public to watch? (I would personally be against this option, but that's me.) How do we account for the fact that participants may have different times of the day they're most interested in performing those sorts of activities? Do we send out packages to the press? Do we sell the film rights to some reputable porno house (there are a few) somewhere (maybe Andrew Blake)? Can we get corporate sponsorships? Should we charge a (cough) entry fee? Can I stop laughing long enough to finish typing this?

Anyway, I'm (cough) opening this one to debate. Any questions answered, hashed out, raised, et cetera, good. Then I'll probably mail the link to Glenn and tell Glenn to read the discussion and get planning... :evilgrin:
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Cunnilingus Contest Logistics (Warning: R-Rated) More

Cunnilingus Contest Logistics (Warning: R-Rated)

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  • Unfortunately for the judges, I'm not allowed to compete, although I understand I'm allowed to practice all I want at home.
    • Even though you're kinda curmudgeonly, you're all cute and fuzzy! If your wife would let you compete, you could be in my contest! ;-)

      Alas, my fiance probably wouldn't let me judge...


  • Note: The first person who makes one of those terribly offensive "lesbian trapped in a man's body" jokes will be drug out in the street and shot like a dog.

    Just curious... which jokes are they? Only asking because I happen to know a couple of them. They're both now post-op, and happily living together in gender-confused bliss :-)

    • I'm referring to the straight men who think it's a load of yocks to refer to themselves as "lesbians trapped in men's bodies," perhaps for the purpose of trying to pick up lesbians, possibly because the type of guy who would say something like that is usually halfway convinced that he can pick up an exclusive lesbian... You know, the kind of guys who think they would bronze their equipment if it weren't attached... ;-)

      I doubt any of my readers, sensitive and intelligent bunch that you are, would actually
      • I doubt any of my readers, sensitive and intelligent bunch that you are, would actually say that, but, um, pre-emption is fashionable right now.

        Well, I haven't actually said it myself, but a girl I knew once tried to drag me away saying "Come on - I know you are a lesbian trapped in a man's body - let's go play"... Naturally I resisted her urgings. ;-)

        (Since when did the "Slow Down Cowboy" page display a preview of your comment with an edit box? That's almost like a useful feature - someone musta slipped
      • I myself never started saying it until I'd been called that by few women. And only then as a joke, among my friends.

        I think Pennsic would be an excellent place to have this, seeing as I will be at Pennsic again. I never did get to meet you at the last one. I meant to, but I got kinda "pre-occupied" with a girl from the camp next door.
  • Do we therefore mandate the use of dental dams (and thereby diminish a lot of the sensations for both licker and lickee -- bleah, latex tastes ick)?

    I've never really understood that. I mean, even "unprotected" cunnilingus is safer than pentirative sex with a condom, yet people are quite prepared to do the latter. What's the deal with dental dams?

    • Well, some people do seem to like latex. To me, it would be kinda like licking a blowup doll (I imagine), with the added bonus of possibly being kicked in the throat.
  • You'd probably have to ummm spread the contest over several days. Otherwise, the lickees might start getting raw after a few rounds. Sometimes too much of a good thing is too much. Of course, then you have those daily variations in libido. Yep, definitely a logistic nightmare, but think of the good it would do for humanity.
    • Yes, judges need breaks! And the varying-libido issue might even require that all judges be on the same monthly cycle. Supposedly, females living in close contact will naturally trend toward a shared schedule, so it might be doable.
      • ...that they're all on The Pill, on the same cycle. I don't know about trending towards similar cycles because even though I've lived with (and worked with) lots of other women in my life (including while growing up at my parents' house, which comprised my sister, my mother, and myself), and I've never had a regular schedule... (Even when I was on The Pill, before the lactose thing got too bad -- don't ask -- my cycles were still rather irregular by Pillified standards, with about four days' variance. Si
  • Dear lord, I had never heard about those things. After a quick Google search, I'm horrified. Those things are... obscene!!

    I can't imagine that I'd enjoy licking a piece of latex, anymore than I'd enjoy getting fellatio while wearing a condom (although it *does* sound kind of kinky).
  • I was munching on a kebab only last night!

    ...but no, not in the naughty sense, sadly.

    Having said that, for some hours after, my tongue was very sore - and I was deeply concerned about my breath.

    But I suspect this would all be down to eating a rather hot pie earlier in the day (again, not in the naughty sense (whatever that would be exactly)) and probably burning my tongue a bit.

    As for the competition, hmm, it sounds like your friend's serious about this, not just joking around then? Well, here's my thou

    • I'd wanted to point out the humourous and on-topic .sig [slashdot.org] of someone I'd modded some time back (got m2'd today).

      I probably hadn't read it closely enough originally as I think I didn't get it then (I am officially dim). Perhaps it works better if you hear/imagine it in certain accents (eg- not mine).

  • I garantee that within about half an hour of announcing this contest, you will be inundated by requests to take part from tens of thousands of sexually-frustrated teenage males. :-) And weirdos from Essex.

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