I have some limited ability to use the computer again, so I'm gonna write something. I have no will to write, but I'm going to. I need to.

I am dying at school. I've screwed up, and I continue to screw up there, and I cannot handle the pressure of the whole situation. I hate 90% of the people. I do not understand the teachers. I cannot understand most of the decisions made by the administration. I cannot handle the constant reminders of how I've screwed up.

I cannot get over G1. I thought I had: For a while, I thought I would get together with G2 and put G1 behind me forever. I built up a case against her. Then I read her blog again, yesterday. I have no words to respond to it. I finally sent that e-mail. I'm kind of frightened of it. I don't know what she'll think... but then, who does? The world is a chaotic system.

I, for some reason, always seem to go after women with with self esteem problems. Every girl I've ever really liked has been terribly depressed.

I am an avid reader of online comics. I read all the standard Gaming strips (Ctrl-Alt-Del, Penny Arcade, VG Cats), some geeky ones (Userfriendly, GPF, Nukees), Some more general interest ones (Sluggy Freelance, Sinfest, and this bizarre little one called Sacred Pie), but the vast majority are love stories. Bad love stories. 90% have the basic premise of "Boy is geek, Boy meets girl, Fall in love, but never tell each other." it's sad, really. I'm sure I'm imagining everything I've seen with G1, and G2 is RIGHT THERE, but I keep waiting for signs from G1 and beating myself over the head with it. I'm really sad that way.

Grades came on wednesday, which is why I haven't posted. My grades suck, though they sucked worse than I thought they had...

Best christmas present my school could have given me, grounding and thoughts of suicide. I had been planning to go on a date with g2, but that's looking hard to do. Without my computer or video games, I don't really know what to do. I'm not much of one for the phone, so I don't know any of my friends phone numbers to call them.

I didn't really ask for anything for christmas. I don't care to get anything except out of that school. Contemplating it, which is all I've been able to do for the past two days, makes my head hurt. I'm now totally convinced I'm insane. I've contemplated a million ways to destroy it, to kill the teachers and staff who have haunted me since I got there. I cannot survive going back on the 3rd... I can't even contemplate what I'm going to do over break.

In latin for the moment. My shirt is wet. The EB had a mini super-soaker that he was squirting at people. I play acted play acting mad, so that he wouldn't realize what an ass I think he is.

G2 is getting scared, I think. She's been clinging, which I don't like. But she's also been getting more physical, which I do. J says that being physical with women is the trickiest part of a relationship, which is about the only bit of his dating advice that I'd agree with.

I think G2 has some clue that there's another I'm interested in, but I also think she's scared of turning into her sister, who is by all accounts a slut. I think I'm going to ask her out (again, though the first was vague enough that it quickly and painlessly turned into just a "movie with friends". Not a terrible outcome, all in all).

G1, though, will get that letter. I'm going to send it pseudonymously, and I'll probably post any replies to it. I dunno what the pseudonym should be, though. Probably "The Laughing Man", From "Ghost in the Shell: Standalone Complex", though that's entirely too obvious from me... Several others have seen it, but it's another one of our "in-jokes".

One thing I hate about being in high school, and being older in general, is how hard it is to build new friendships. In kindergarten, you could just go up and say "Hey, wanna be my friend?" and that was that. In high school, there's too much worrying about what people think and being "gay" and ... It would be nice if you could pick up and drop friends and friendships more easily. I really don't want to be friends with some of those who I'm friends with, but I am and I have to maintain the status quo to avoid awkwardness.

Subject: Let me be with you

(g1),

I love you. You're everything that anyone could ask for. Just so you know, in the dark hours, that you're special and someone cares.

Another blog entry today, because I feel like it.

I've decided, after study hall, that I'll have to just say something. Make it anonymous, but make it guessable. Include a calling card: Something that may let her guess, but not something freaky.. I don't want her to think I'm a stalker: She's had a problem with that. I'm thinking of referencing chobits: It's a common favorite.

G1's finally gone from across from me in study hall. I can't get over her. Why I can't I can't fathom, but she just keeps running across my mind.

I didn't write yesterday. I probably should have, but I couldn't see a reason. All of yesterday was dreading school and trying to drown the anticipation all that would be due today in games.

One of my friends, EC is arguing with a girl, Suzie (unimportant character, so she's getting a full first name), in my study hall. She's trying to get his crush out of him. It's kinda interesting to hear her opinion on the whole subject of dating. She's of the opinion that it's best to just say it, without fear of rejection. Of course, she's never had the fear of being rejected.

I'm perfectly happy today, except for my pining over G1. It's kinda sad. I had girls fighting over me (literally, g2 and one of her friends were having a mock battle over who I liked better.), but I don't care because I'm too deeply enamored with another.

Today was one of those "Uber" days. Truly awesome.

The start was kinda crazy. I drove to the mall, where I got Christmas presents for my family. "Princess Diaries 2" for my sister, "Rush Hour" (the silly puzzle game) for my little brother, "The Dark Tower" for my Dad. My mother's tea chest may not get here though... I'm gonna keep hoping.

Then it was off to Strikers, who I want to again wish a Happy Birthday. I got him "Aliens". Great movie, defines the "Sci-Fi Action" genre. We chatted and ate pizza for ~2:30, then went off to Dave and Buster's, which is THE best arcade in existence. I hope that when I'm off to college, there's one near me.

Then, upon coming home, I IM'd g2 and chatted for a while. Played my mad pimpin skilz, yo.

R has been throwing herself at me. I'm really not interested. She's a nice person, but.. I don't know.

I hate how high school has become a babysitting service. You crawl your way up on mounds of homework for an "A" to get into a good college. None of the teachers begin to teach anything. What you may learn you learn from asking around and from researching yourself to try and keep up with the tests and homework. Class periods are spend trying to stay awake while the teacher wastes time.

Forensics, which I'm in now, is an excellent example of this. There are no hard facts on tests, no real identification, no nothing. The teacher piles homework on us. The other students are morons. I've got no hope remaining for it.

All I've really talked about here is how I hate school and the girls around me. I need to change that. Tomorrow, I'll try and post something that's interesting.

Again in study hall. Packing up... I've got sci club this afternoon. Have I mentioned how g1 seems to run when g2 is around? It's really annoying. G2 is nice and all, but she's throwing herself at me too much...

What I really need to find is whether it's worth perusing g1 over g2, and whether I can convince myself to the result.