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We spent New Year's Day with my parents, and my mother and I had a difficult conversation. It was not difficult in that heated words were exchanged or anything, but difficult in that I was very honest with her about things I have observed about the family as a whole.

Mom has learned something about me over the last several years - I am not prone to being bullied by her anymore and I am no longer afraid of her. Things that worked on an elementary school kid infuriates an adult. As such, I have gotten much more bold and aggressive when I talk to her in terms of telling her the truth. She cannot stand being told things she does not want to hear, and unlike when I was young I do not let her walk away from me when she has spoken her peace without hearing what I have to say in response.

We were talking about the family, my brothers and I in particular. She told me that she thinks it is very important that we all keep together and do things as brothers because that bond is so important. My response to her floored her and saddened her: "The family is already fractured."

I have one brother that never calls anyone, so no one calls him. I have another brother that is 600 miles away and while he calls a lot, he cannot get together much (not his fault). Another brother is very busy with an ailing wife who needs a lot of care and attention. My last brother has cut ties with our parents completely and has never been very close to me and gets upset with me frequently (and it appears he is upset with one of the others now as well though it is not clear yet if this is really the case, though all indicators say it is). Our Dad is also showing some angst toward at least one of us, and it is not clear how he deals with each. Interestingly, NO ONE talks to me about it though it is glaringly obvious and everyone expects life to go on like there's no issue.

My nephews and nieces are even worse. One is going through a really bad divorce but is doing everything he can to be a part of the larger family and to be a good father to his kids - he is a hero of mine. His brother is an 18 year old kid in a 32-year-old body and thinks that life revolves around drinking. His sister cannot be bothered by anyone for any reason - she is just too important to call even her own brother. Another nephew is going to school to be a chemical engineer and has his hands full, so he is excused from being a fully-participating family member. Said nephew's sister, though, is by far the snottiest, rudest, most unlikable wretch I have ever had the displeasure of meeting. Another nephew and another niece are following their father in refusing to interact with my parents (their grandparents), and they won't even bother to get the full story behind the rift.

So, how is it that my mother cannot see that the family is fractured and splintered in a number of ways?

I am glad that my identity does not revolve around the relationships established in my biological family. I would be a very sad man indeed if that were the case.

This Christmas we were with my mother-in-law, and we had probably the very best Christmas that we have had in a long, long time. We laughed a lot, we told stories about my father-in-law, we did things together, we shared from the heart. Everyone in the house lamented that my wife's sister and her husband and kids could not be there, but we all had a video conference with them over the internet and so we sorta had Christmas together. I have wished, for many years, that my family was more like my wife's family. Her family makes an effort, where mine does not.