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The Gimp

FortKnox's Journal: Monkeys... 21

Journal by FortKnox

Someone posted this in a forum I frequent and I thought it was pretty damn funny (in an Em sorta way). It reads like a childrens book, which adds to the humor. I did a little checking on it and it seems like its about a year old, but its the first time I read it:

I like monkeys.

The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that
odd since they were normally a couple thousand each. I decided not to
look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His
name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really
bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed.
Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new
environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at
high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the
spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive:
they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead.
Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn
cheap monkeys.

I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my
room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked
like I had 200 throw rugs.

I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.

I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for
a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real
bad.

I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want
to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately
there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change
them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so
it didn't all go bad.

I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to
extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in
my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor
wasn't improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the
bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.

I tried throwing them way but the garbage man said that the city wasn't
allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet
one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the
frozen ones.

finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My
friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they like
them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in
the genitals.

I like monkeys

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Monkeys...

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  • guy who sits next to me has this up on a corkboard deal on the wall. very funny
  • I have an MP3 from mp3.com from like 2000 with some guy on the radio in New York doing this - it was hysterical. I'll try to find it, and send it to you if you'd like. :-)
  • How Ebola spread into the suburbs.
    • You wouldn't happen to be a fan of Michael Moorecock would you? :)
      • In my rapidly fading youth... I haven't read him in years. There's a newish JC story I've heard might interest me, though...
        • Heh - I am in about the same boat. I've actually read all of the Cornelius chronicles, and every other book I could find that MM published. Great stuff. I think some of the Corum and Hawkmoon books are even better than the Elric ones.

          I used to log into dial up systems in Los Angeles as 'Moonglum', and was bummed that the nick was taken here by the time I thought of registering it.
  • Here we come
    Walkin down the street
    Get the funniest looks from everyone we meet

    Hey Hey We're The Monkees
    And people say we monkey around
    but we're too busy singing
    to put anybody down...

    Oh - er - wrong kind of Monkey.

  • I posted it in this comment [slashdot.org]. Even managed to make it on-topic. Lets see if anyone has a sense of humour.
  • It's actually a little older than that - I recall seeing this as early as 97 or so - not trying to bust your chops and be that guy but it is old.
  • by nizo (81281) *
    This of course reminds me of a story....

    I used to work for FedEX, and one of the guys I worked with had been with the company quite some time. Once upon a time FedEX used to ship live animals (they don't now for obvious reasons). Back when the company was pretty small, they had a shipment of little monkeys come in. The supervisor was going out to happy hour with everyone except one doofus who he simply told, "Don't fuck with the monkeys". Everyone is sitting in the bar when the supervisor gets a call from d

    • Bwahahahaha!!! Classic!!! I almost spit my Starbucks tripple venti non-fat latte all over my flat panel when I read this.

      Oh, and they DO still ship live animals... I use them to send fish all over the country all the time. :-)
      • Maybe they only don't accept big live animals. Another story was told to me by my boss, who got to ride next to a sedated gorilla moving to a new zoo. How sweet would that be? Apparently they have a phone number you can call just for this question :-) From their website: Household pets, such as domestic cats and dogs, are not accepted. For more information, contact FedEx's Live Animal Desk at 1-800-405-9052. It did state they make a case by case judgement, which I didn't know.
  • by Em Emalb (452530) *
    All that and not one mention of poop flinging.

    Weak sauce.

    Pretty funny though, other than the amazing lack of pooh.

"If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?" -- Lily Tomlin

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