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Well, at least they'll give your grand kids new media........
I've got a big, heavy, Gigabyte Aivia Krypton Ghost mouse.You can modify the internal weighting to your liking. It's got the scroll wheel but it's big and grippy. You could also map away the scroll entirely, or map a side button for that dangling ring finger. One caveat is their software too. If you're on OS X, you need to set the mouse up the first time in Windows. It's an annoyance but it's a really good mouse. Maybe you can get an old school Sun3 mouse before they went to a wheel. You'd have to build/buy an adapter but it's be unique.
Sounds like a wicked expensive VCenter cluster.
vi works just fine in single user, you just need to set a few variables first.