Forgot your password?
typodupeerror
User Journal

Chacham's Journal: Rhymsical: The calmness of taking a walk. 2

Journal by Chacham

The calmness of taking a walk,
And noone around me to talk,
When the weather is right,
Then i just might,
The calmness of taking a walk.

The pleasure of a soft-blowing breeze,
And walking through it with ease,
The slight wind in my hair,
With nothing to care,
The pleasure of a soft-blowing breeze.

Relaxing and sitting alone,
My whereabouts not being known,
Taking in what's around,
And not to be found,
Relaxing and sitting alone.

The feeling of eating real slow,
With no rush, and nowhere to go,
With the whole world asunder,
I sit and i wonder,
The feeling of eating real slow.

--

Yeah, yeah, slowly. But goly isn't a word.

This discussion has been archived. No new comments can be posted.

Rhymsical: The calmness of taking a walk.

Comments Filter:
  • by turg (19864) *
    How about "slowly" instead of "real slow."

    When I'm editing something, I usually strike all the generic emphatics ("very", "really", "quite", etc.). The point is almost always made just as strongly without them (or more strongly -- "very" is especially weak and usually sounds like "protesting too much"), and if it isn't then more description is needed rather than more emphasis on the adjective.
    • I chose not to use slowly, because "goly" isn't a word. I added "real" for the extra syllable, and to negate the requirement for the "ly" of "slow". Also, had it said "eating slowly" the two adjacent two-syllable words hurt the meter.

      I do agree that removing the modifier is better. The modifer means that the writer is deciding the strength, and as such is suspect. With the modifier gone, the reader decides on the strength, and as such is more believeable. After all, the reader believes himself!

      That being

Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no guarantee of eventual success.

Working...