I very much enjoy Bjork's album "post".
You know all those posts over the past four years where I was writting about my girlfriend Leah? Yea, we broke up. But I still meant them posts. It's just kinda strange to read them now. To make sure *ALL* my posts are now totally retarded looking I'm going to join a jebus-lovin' church of some sort. And put soap in my nose.
Here's a list of albums that are totally perfect in every way. - Let me clarify: These are albums that I never have to skip a track on. These are albums I very much enjoy the actual production and recording quality of. These are albums that at some point in my life have meant a great deal to me. These are albums that have stood the test of time and I still listen to frequently.
A Radio With Guts - Beat Heart Sweet Stereo
Alkaline Trio - goddamnit
Andrew WK - I Get Wet
Aquabats - Charge!
Aquabats- Vs The Floating Eye Of Death
Atom and his Package - Redefining Music
Bandits of the Acoustic Revolution - EP
Big D and the Kids Table - Gipsy Hill
Bjork - Post
Bloodhound Gang - One Fierce Beercoaster
Blood Bros - Crimes
Bomb The Music Industry - Anything they record
Bouncing Souls - How I Spent My Summer Vacation
Bruce Lee Band - S/T
Camera Obscura - Underachievers Please Try Harder
Cardigans - Emmerdale
Catch 22 - Keasbey Nights
Coheed and Cambria - The Second Stage Turbine Blade
Connie Dungs - ELBC
Dance Hall Crashers - Purrr
Darkest Hour - Mark Of The Judas
Dave Matthews Band - Crash
Descendents - Everything Sucks
Dido - Life For Rent
Dynamite Hack - Superfast
Estrella - Three Song Promo
Flaming Lips - The Soft Bulletin
Glasseater - 7 Years Bad Luck
Green Day - Kerplunk
Green Day - Dookie
Green Day - Insomniac
Hippos - Heads Are Gonna Roll
Junction 18 - This Vicious Cycle
Junction 18 - Heros From The Future
Kemuri - 77 Days
Less Than Jake - Hello Rockview
Less Than Jake - Losing Streak
Mates of State - Team Boo
Me First and the Gimmie Gimmies - Take A Break
Millincollin - Pennybridge Pioneers
Nerf Herder - How To Meet Girls
New Amsterdams - Worse For The Wear
New Found Glory - Nothing Gold Can Stay
New Found Glory - S/T
Nirvana - In Utero
One Man Army - Split With Alkaline Trio
Ozma - Doubble Donkey Disc
Penguin Cafe Orchestra - When In Rome
Pinhead Gunpowder - Shoot The Moon
Postal Service - Give Up
Presidents of The USA - Two
Promise Ring - Very Emergency
Proms - Helpless Romantic
Rancid - 2000
Rhapsody - Dawn Of Victory
Rilo Kiley - Take Offs and Landings
Rilo Kiley - The Execution of All Things
Save Ferris - It Means Everything
Saves The Day - Stay What You Are
Saves The Day - In Reveire
Screeching Weasel - My Brain Hurts
Spacehog - The Chinese Album
Squirrel Nut Zippers - Perennial Favorites
Strike Anywhere - Exit English
The Adventures Of Jet - Coping with Insignificance
Thrice - Identity Crisis
Thrice - The Illusion Of Safety
Unicorns - Who Will Cut Our Hair When We're Gone?
Vandals - Look What I Almost Stepped In
Vandals - Hitler Bad, Vandals Good
Vandals - Oi To The World
Weezer - Blue
Weezer - Pinkerton
I'm not married, but I may as well be. I live with my girlfriend whom I've dated for 9 years. I don't have any input on love aside from the following:
Guys, give up trying to find true love. Its futile. You won't ever find the perfect girl. I already found her and you can't have her. The race is over, I won. True love is dedicated directly and only to me. Second place gets a kick in the balls. (By the way, those are your balls..not mine...remember me? Mr. First place? Yea.) Sucks to be you fucks.
Most of the people I know that are getting married are the people who think you have to be married to have sex. Little do people know you can actually have sex without being married. It's easy. Silly bastards. Sex without marriage is like downloading a MP3 without paying for it. It makes you feel good. Pirating sex rocks. Yaaaaarrrrr!!!
I had a cherry filled donut at about 4pm today, while I was at work. At around 4:30 I was tossing Dr. Oink in the air to pass the time and I missed and dropped him on the ground. When I picked him up he was magically covered in red shit. It looked like he was bleeding, and much to my delight his blood tasted fucking awesome! You see, by this point I had forgotten all about the donut. I obviously figured it out pretty quick, but was a little stumped on how the donut's guts had found it's way to my pig. I spent a few minutes cleaning him up with paper towels, and he was as good as new. At about 4:55 I put my hand on my pants and...what's this? Cherry jelly all over my hands! Motherfucker! I clean off my hands and give my pants a decent scrubbing down. All good. I close up the store and head over to the gas station for a sub. While in line a customer asks me why I have blood on my foot. I look down, and there is like a GIGANTIC FUCKING SPLATTER of that GODDAMNED FUCKING MOTHERFUCKING CHERRY FUCKING JIZZ all over my right shoe. I check out the left shoe, he's clean as a whistle. I grab a paper towel and explain the great donut exlosion to the curious customer while I'm cleaning my shoe off. I get home and want to take off the funked shoe before I go inside, careful not to track cherry shit across my carpet. I get the shoe off and go in, one foot barefoot the other still captive to a shoe. I get in the kitchen and put the jacked shoe on the counter as I pull off my left shoe. Yup. Somehow there is now fucking jelly all over my left shoe. Sonofabitch. And now it's all over my hand. I take a glance back to the carpet between the front door and the kitchen. Yea, track of red left behind me. I hop to it and clean the carpet as quick as I can so it doesn't stain. All is well on the carpet, so I focus my attention to my shoes. I get them clean after ten minutes of scrubbing and dry them off, put them with our pile of shoes by the door. I wash my hands off and come to the computer to eat my sub. I sit down and have somehow gotten jelly on my hands on the trip from the fucking sink to the computer room (30 seconds). Of course I sat down and typed before I noticed, so now the shit is all over my keyboard. I jump in the bathroom to retrieve more paper towels to clean the keyboard and wash my hands...again. While I'm in the bathroom I look in the mirror and notice there is FUCKING JELLY IN MY MOTHERFUCKING HAIR. Fuck it, I have to go to the dump...I'll take a shower when I get back. How the fuck does this shit move from place to place on it's own? Quantum Jelly Teleportation I guess. I don't even remember any point during the donut consumption that any didn't make it's way to my mouth, so I don't even know how this all started. Fuck jelly donuts.
This post is dedicated to the memory of Chip, who lost his right testical in an awful Jet-Ski accident.
The problem with the human race is it's getting dumber. The gene pool is getting stupidider by the day. Why's that you ask? Cause 90% of the people having fucking kids shouldn't be doing it in the first place. Most kids around here (Fredericksburg, Va..yes it's as stupid as it sounds) are mistakes. They are usually the product a scummy white or black dude whom drives a "pimped out" Honda accord knocking up a fucking 16 year old white chick with bleached blond hair, big thighs, an addiction to AOL 8.0, and enough "attitude" to scare off a herd of elephants. Hopefully by the time shes 17 she will have dropped out of school and gotten a job at Geico so she can order 10 pounds of Chinese food a day and dick out on the tip for the long haired white hippie delivery boy that actually listens to punk rock and plays in a shitty band....N-eee\/\/_a=Z...The ideal way of solving the problem of her reproducing in the first place would have been to leave her in the woods for wolves to eat while she was a child. And the same goes for her children. Listen up bitch - GET A FUCKING ABORTION. Use a fucking coat hanger if you have to. It's your own personal way of saving the world. Think of yourself as a hero. It will only strengthen the human race, and hopefully it will bring people into existence that won't do stupid shit, like "pimp" out a car.
On the flip side, the other part of the problem is smart people aren't reproducing at all. Why not? A couple of reasons actually...they know how to use a condom. They know the "pull out method" doesn't work. They know not to gangbang their best friends 13 year old daughter in front of the Christmas tree for New Years. They would rather spend time bettering themselves than wasting time on a hopeless child that will only show it's gratitude by shitting its pants. If I needed that, I'd buy a retarded person on EBay. Retards poop themselves a lot. And fat people poop their pants too. Can you fucking belive that? What the hell is wrong with people? Eric's tip O' the day - Shit with your pants OFF!
Me: Mr President, whats it like to know you are the most powerful man in the world...you know...besides Batman.
Mr President: I'm pretty sure in a brawl I could kick the crap out of Batman.
Me: I'm not sure I agree with you there. I mean, Batman has that batass utility belt. What if he is packing anti-douche spray?! You'd be fucked...seriously!
Mr President: Are you calling me a douche?!
Me: Would you agree that if you were as rich and powerful as Bill Gates you'd build a batcave and pretend that you're batman?
Me: No no, you suck. I'm pretty sure batman could hand you your ass even as mild-mannerd Bill Gates, lacking batass utility belt and all.
Mr President: Can we talk about anything but Bill Gates?
Me: I see you have a boner.
Mr President: That will happen.
Me: That will happen.
Mr President: Is that a question?
Me: Is that a question?
Mr President: Oh...haha..I get it..Super Troopers! haha!! "FARVA"S NUMBER ONE!!!"
Me: Hell yea, nigga.
Mr President: Ever kissed a man before?
Me: A couple of ti...hey, I'm the one with the questions...Mr Fancy Pants!
Mr President: Oh yea...my bad. Go ahead.
Me: So....ever kissed a man?
Mr President: Not yet, but I have homo-erotic thoughts when I'm fucking my hot ass drunk daughters in their gravy flumes.
Mr President: No, they arent hot. And they smell kinda weird....like Jason Alexander was all up in them.
Me: Word on the street is he's been selling his crotch sent as a rare perfume to stupid celebirties. Do you think you're a stupid celeberty?
Mr President: Yes.
Me: I agree.
Mr President: What?
Me: On to my next question....you really only blew up Iraq cause it's full of brown people, right?
Mr President: I fucking HATE brown people! They smell so weird...and hae those dots...the fucking dots look like a laser scope aimed just right to fuck them out of thier brains! I mean...they are practically *begging* to be killed! And they are the color of poop! What the FUCK is up with that?!
Me: Dude, you're on fucking crack.
Mr President: Yea, want some?
Mr President: Ok, finish this Pepsi. Then smoosh the can down and poke some holes in it. Ill get some mesh wire and we will have a badass crack pipe.
Me: THats kinda....weird....
Mr President: Nah, the mesh works good. Here, I've got some in my pocket.
Me: Dude, are you gonna get me stoned and rape me?
Mr President: Im not gonna promise I won't.
Me: Dude, you are way fucking cooler than Vince Neil. That fuckin guys a dickface.
Mr President: He's got hot hips. I'd hit it.
Me: Word up.
Dave Brockie Experiance-I Wanna Be A Squirrel
Oh yes I wanna be a squirrel
You know I wanna be a squirrel
Without a trouble in the world
I'd live up in a tree
And I'd be so happy
Yes I wanna be a squirrel
I also wanna be with you
Instead of haunting bars
We'd be out chasing cars
When we fall in love
We Can't pick the day
Squirrels they never fall
Happier that way!
Because I wanna be a squirrel
Oh yes I wanna be a squirrel
And would you be my squirrelly girl?
I'd throw my nuts at you
Then we'd have a chew
Because i wanna be a squirrel
I also wanna be a Narwhal
I'd swim around your boat
And you'd jump down my throat
When we fall in love
We can't pick the day
Squirrels they never fall
Happier that way!
Whistle while you work
Hitler is a jerk
Bit his wienie
Now It dosen't work!
...Some people are cunts. Don't be a cunt.
The following people have made a day good for me in recent time. These people are not cunts: