I want to say something profound and witty that no one's ever said before, but everything's been said before and better than I can say it. I'm so uninteresting, I hardly ever have an original thought... that is, I've thought I've had original thoughts, dispositions, but I realize painfully over and over again that all I really do is put what other people say in different words.
Sometimes it feels impossible to make my own educated decision. I'm not entirely lacking in free will, I can make the more obvious choices, though to my point I can't even think of any good examples right now. It's where I have to choose things for myself is where I get hung up. Do I want the cheeseburger or the chicken sandwich? Soup or salad? The red one or the blue one? Have I had too much caffeine today? Should I care how I dress?
It's hard to care about myself. I feel like a machine and if someone isn't telling me what to do I can't get anything done.
I got an air mattress and I finally got some sleep last night, I feel refreshed and I can really keep up today, but I still feel blank. Maybe this is how people are supposed to feel, but I still feel like I don't have identity, like I used to have more and now I've forgotten it somewhere. It makes it hard to be happy when I'm alone.