I get lots of contracting firms calling and e-mailing me to see if I am available to take a new contract. Many will send a list of requirement like the one listed. I have included my translations of what they are really looking for. This has been done many times by many people, I just thought it would be fun.
I should add that I normally respond to these and let them know that I would be happy to take the contract at an hourly wage of $350. I figure if they are willing to pay me that much, Ill be willing to do that job. :)
Production Support experience on UNIX and Windows Intel servers with an excellent working knowledge of operating system concepts (Client-UX 11.xx preferred) to provide performance tuning and timely troubleshooting resolution of complex issues including high-pressure system down events.
Meaning, Our outdated computer systems go down and we want it fixed yesterday!
Broad B2B application background with some experience desired on TIBCO products, Oracle, SQL, MQ, Cyclone AS2, Apache, GXS, PGP, FTP, Peregrine, Client Openview
We do not want to hire a DBA so you should be able to run the servers, databases, and monitoring system with out any help.
Experience in System and Network Security including SSL, SSH, TLS, VPN, TCP/IP, Firewall, Proxy, encryption and certificate management.
You will be handling all the servers and the networks. We intend to hold you responsible for all breaches of security from servers being hacked to the virus that Marry Lou opened and now infects the whole network.
Good understanding of basic Internet concepts (e.g., routers, firewalls, Web Server, Web browser, load balancing, DNS, portal, HTTP, HTML, XML)
You will be managing our online presence including developing our web page in your spare time.
We are looking at expanding our web site with these nice new java features and want you to develop them.
Sets priorities; quickly zeros in on the critical few and puts the trivial many aside; can juggle numerous tasks and priorities while maintaining productive flow of work; is flexible and adaptable
We are constantly in a state of chaos because of our old equipment. We want some one who can fix everything that breaks and still do the other jobs we line up for him.
Communicates clearly and succinctly in a variety of communication settings and styles; can get messages across that have the desired effect, including ongoing issues and infrastructure; Strong interpersonal skills and team orientation, including interaction with outside vendors and customers.
We want some one who will take the blame and not complain about being treated like crap. We should not be able to tell that he is unhappy no matter how we communicate.
Practices attentive and active listening; flexible and adaptable; drives for results and knowledgeable about how projects and tasks should be accomplished; demonstrates good follow through on information and project status.
Understands that upper management knows what is best for the company. Even if the product dose not fill the need he should be able to make it work.
Strong time management skills. Ability to juggle priorities and adapt to very rapidly changing and growing environment,
Should be willing to work 80 hours a week on 40 hours of pay. Understands that we change our mind in mid-project and can completely rework the project in just a few minuets.
Ability to think creatively and "out of the box" in order to troubleshoot and resolve challenging system and infrastructure issues
Should be able to provide a solution to any problem that will cost the company 0$ and provide all the features that are requested.
Ability to troubleshoot problems quickly, as well as able to work the resolution to completion.
Has the ability to implement Band-Aids on problems just to get it fixed.
Must have ability to be responsive and effectively work through difficult situations rather than avoiding them.
We have people who complain about everything. Even when there is not a problem the person should be willing to work with the people and find a solution that fixes what ever it is that the user thinks is the problem.
Experience working in a 24/7 enterprise environment, and must be willing to participate in 24/7 on call rotation to support Production environment
Willing to work 20 hours a day on our problems and carry a pager/cell phone the remaining 4 hours so that we can will him back if we think there is a problem.