If you're already proficient in a programming language, you can pick up the basics of COBOL in an afternoon (OpenCOBOL is pretty easy to install). I did just that last week. Totally educational. Modern programmers don't know how good they have it!
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...would be a PB combined with some way for the app and OS to tell me why things have slowed down, in plain language. This would not be impossible to do.