Thank you! Thank you all for coming! It is I, Steve Jobs, the Chief Imagination Officer of Apple, also known to many as Your Leader and Overlord of All Things Shiny, Desirable, and Expensive.
Today we're going to make some history together! So...welcome to Macworld. It was just a decade ago that I was up here, announcing that we were going to revolutionize the world--a huge endeavor, I admit. I said we were going to do it over the coming twelve years--we did it in seven years. We couldn't have done this alone; we did it with the help of a lot of folks: Our new colleagues in scientific agencies around the world, our devoted imagineers of more than just hardware and software, but of minds and vision. Thank you very much. Now as you know, our retail stores have for a while been selling half of our Apple iProducts to people who have never owned an Apple iProduct before. For this, I would like to thank our custom--err--loyal members of the Apple Family for spreading the gospel. Without you, we would still be just another average tech company based out of California. Instead, we are now one step closer to world domination through over-priced, beautifully designed, consumer electronics. Now everyone, please gaze upon me and yearn, yearn for the secrets that only I know! The rumor channels are full of speculation and I--your balding, black-turtleneck-endowed Leader--know the iTruth. Bow before me and grovel at my iFeet! (Mwahaha!)
Now please, before I continue, I would like to make sure that everyone present at this glorious ceremony is a true iBeliever. As a reminder, if you are not a true iBeliever you are not a member of our Apple Family, and as a result you will be cast out and sent into the Reality Distortion Field for re-education regarding our iProducts...
This is a day I've been looking forward to ever since I realized that I would never be able to become as rich or as famous as Bill Gates currently is. Every once in a while, a revolutionary product comes along that changes everything. And one is very fortunate if they get to witness even a single one of these products in their lifetime. Apple has been very fortunate--I've been able to say myself that I've introduced a few of these into the world. In 1984, the Macintosh revolutionized the computer industry with its graphical interface stolen from Xerox Corporation. In 1998, the iMac built upon the success of our other computers that were still playing catch-up with Microsoft Windows. In 2001, the iPod changed the entire music industry (thus ensuring high sales for one of our planned iProducts, the iHearingAid). In 2007, the iPhone transfigured the mobile phone industry, forcing innovation upon all other lesser mobile phone manufacturers. And today, we are going to introduce an infinite number of products of this elite class.
Because infinity is such a large number, I am going to introduce just three of these iProducts today. The first one is a newly developed iPod. But not just any iPod as you will soon see. The second is a breakthrough communications device featuring not just audio and video, but even more as you will witness in just a minute. And the third device is an amazingly advanced supercomputer. An iPod. A communicator. A supercomputer. ... Are you getting it? These are not infinitely many different devices--this is one all encompassing device--and we are calling it iEverything! Today Apple is going to reinvent the world! ... And here it is. Can you see it? Do you know what it looks like? No! It's inside me...
Now let me talk about a category of things... The most "personal" computers are the ones we carry around with us all the time: our cell phone, our portable music player, our PDA, and for some people a two-way communicator. For many people, these are all separate devices, with distinct interfaces, discrete components, and different screens, keyboards, and batteries all to deal with. The iEverything aims to leapfrog this problem.
We're going to start with a revolutionary user interface. You may ask, "how can one interact with a device that's inside of me?" Well, that's the easy part. The iEverything has a revolutionary neural interface: your thoughts control it. It is the result of years of paradigm-shifting synergy and innovative development, representing an interplay between software and hardware. When you purchase an iEverything, a trained Apple Genius will perform the necessary brain implants to make this interplay possible. And rest assured, just like the connectors on our other iProducts, our brain-interconnect is a completely proprietary and closed standard that ensures your brain will only be able to interoperate with other Apple iProducts after service activation and two-year commitment.
The iEverything's neural interface lets you get anything you want like boom. Let's say I want to know what's in my email: I just think email, and like that boom, I've got my email--in my head. Let's say I'm bored on a flight and I want to watch a move: I just think movies, and boom my eyes roll back in my head and I'm watching my movies. Want to listen to music? Think music. Want to listen to music out loud? The iEverything automatically takes control of your vocal chords and boom you begin singing like you're Anthony Kiedis! Even for phone conversations, you can think your words and they will be transmitted telepathically, or if you're old fashioned you can say them out loud and the iEverything will listen with your ears and filter out your own voice eliminating background noise in your conversation.
Next: Full iTunes synchronization. To get more content on your iEverything you need a computer with iTunes, of course, to sync with. Unfortunately it's a little inconvenient to have a USB cable dangling out the back of your neck. So here at Apple, our innovative imagineers came up with another innovative concept that will blow your mind: Wireless syncing. And boy have we patented it! (Never mind, of course, that other devices have been doing wireless syncing for years, ours is much better.) You can be anywhere in the world and to sync your iEverything all you need to do is think about your desktop computer back home. This makes it easier than ever before to purchase and sync tons of impulse media from our online store, as well as the stores of our affiliates, to your wonderful new device.
Now you may be wondering how do I charge this thing if I sync wirelessly? This enigma was also solved by one of our brightest imagineers, and she discovered--after watching The Matrix numerous times--that the human body is a wonderful source of electrical energy. We have tapped into our bodies' organic cellular system in order to exploit its full potential. The iEverything is not only self-powered for as long as its host is alive, it is also self-healing, scratchproof, and waterproof! A first-degree innovation in this regard.
Finally I would like to discuss the third highlight of the iEverything--that is, its supercomputing abilities. The human brain is capable of storing thousands of terabytes of data and can recall information at lightning fast speeds. Literally, the human brain is the most amazing supercomputer in the universe. Now, we have been able to squeeze our amazing Mac operating system into devices as small as the iPhone in years past, but we have always had to make sacrifices. But--do you see where I'm going here?--finally (thanks to advancements in radioactive isotopes and quantum computing) we have created a mobile device powerful enough to run the full-blown version of our operating system without any changes or sacrifices necessary. It's like have a Beowulf cluster of Cray supercomputers ready at your beckon and call. This is the true beauty of the iEverything.
As I said before, the iEverything contains an infinite number of devices within a finite space. The only limit to the power of the iEverything is yourself. Say you want to know where you are: just think GPS and boom you will have a map flash up in your head! Lacking some knowledge? Just think encyclopedia and boom: iEverything will download an encyclopedia full of everything you ever wanted to know! Not able to understand somebody's language? Simple! Just think universal translator and you'll be speaking and understanding Spanish like you've known it your whole iLife! The possibilities of iEverything are truly boundless!!
Oh, and one more thing: did I mention the iEverything makes you psychic? Yeah, it does telepathy...
(I wait a full thirty minutes for the cheering, screaming, and applause to die down.)
Everyone... Thank you very, very much. Now, please rise for your standing ovation and compulsory bowing toward your Leader! Yes! Throw away your now-obsolete older iProducts. Yes! Now open your wallets, take out your credit cards, and start planning your route to the nearest Apple store! Before you go, though, I have a special treat for you all today. Because of the absurd hype surrounding our new iProduct that wouldn't have been present had some other company been introducing it, my net worth went up two hundred percent. After selling just a bit of my forged Apple stock options, I was able to actually purchase an entire indie rock band to conclude this presentation for you. Welcome to the iRevolution, feel good, and see you all soon!
iEverything: a satire (C) 2009 Brian Nez, under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 3.0 United States License.
