I had intended to sit down and write a year in review type of post, looking back at 2005 and recapping events. However, I decided not to do so, as everything that happened is now in the past and is no longer pertinent. Instead, I welcome 2006, and look forward to a year of growth, happiness and love. I love my friends. I'm growing faster every day now than I ever have before. I have actual glimmers of happiness now... I've never had any before. 2006 is looking promising. Here's to a painless year! Also, today was day 1 of no smoking. Go me!

Yesterday was one of those increasingly rare (for me) days where I was just sad and angry for no reason. I went through the list of things going on, but could find nothing that was really bothering me. I'm concerned about something, but it's not that big of a deal, and it wasn't what had me all emo yesterday. Tom said sometimes you just have emo days, and that it's ok.

But I'm sad today. And I don't know why. I'm hurting inside for no apparant reason. Go me.

Dear Creepy Subway Guy,

I figure I should introduce myself, since I got to know you in ways I never wanted to today. I'm Pezstar. Hi! How's it going?

We first met at Downtown Crossing. I was transferring from the Red Line. You were looking for a cute girl who was all alone and in a hurry. It must have been fate! You bumped into me and smiled with your creepy subway guy eyes. I mumbled something about it being ok and continued to my usual bench. You stood a few feet away and hummed a song. How sweet! You serenaded me at our first meeting!

When the train came, I got on before you. The train was empty, with only about 10 people on it. But that didn't mean it had to be the end of our meeting... no way! Rather than sit all alone in one of the many empty seats (there were even end seats available!), you chose to sit right next to me. Not only did you sit next to me, you pushed yourself up against me, crowding me tight against the little metal divider thing next to the door. Thanks!

In the roughly 40 seconds between Downtown Crossing and State, you "accidentally" brushed your hands against my breasts three times. Unless you have Parkinson's Disease, you are one talented man. Go you, creepy subway guy.

I just want to apologize for elbowing you in the stomach after your third accidental brushing of my breasts. Like I said, I'm sure it was an accident, and I can still feel your arm on my left tit, and it's been an hour and a half, so eww. The good news, though, is that when I elbowed you, I glanced over at your lap. Boy am I glad I did that because, as every girl knows, you can never see too many penises.

I got off the train at State because, quite frankly, you were creeping me the hell out, and I was having a bit of a panic attack. But that wasn't the end of our encounter, creepy subway guy... you got off with me! You had me in your sights for a few minutes, but I fooled you, and when the next train came, I got on one car and you got on another. Oh well. Game over.

Until we meet again,

Freaked out subway girl

They say there's one in every family. In mine, there are 4.

My brother hasn't had the best adult life. When he was 19, he had consentual sex with a 15 year old. It was one of the rare statutory rape cases that was prosecuted, and he spent 19 months in prison for it. The catch is that he waited a year and a half for a trial, and during that time, he started dating Stephani, married her, and pregnancy ensued.

Stephani is a very, very good person. She stood by my brother Steven. She took the baby to the prison on Sundays to visit. She worked her ass off for 19 months to support herself, pay the mortgage, pay everything in a really affluent, expensive town that just so happens to be filled with rednecks. She is better than that... she always has been. She somehow had the misfortune to fall in love with my brother.

Steven got out of prison last January. Things were great with he and Steph until about June. He stopped working and wouldn't hold a job for more than a month. Steph was again paying for everything. Steven kicked his drinking up a notch. He slept with Stephani's little sister.

Steph insisted that they see a counselor. He agreed, and they worked through that one. Steph found out she was pregnant, and had a second baby this June. Sarah is her name, and I can't wait to meet her. Unfortunately, http://www.jacksonvilledailynews.com/SiteProcessor.cfm?Template=/GlobalTemplates/Details.cfm&StoryID=34254&Section=News Happened. Stephani was cleared of everything, the baby was not taken away, and the courts ruled that she was extremely stressed out and ordered counselling. She still goes.

Enter Tuesday Night. My brother went out and got drunk. Steph came to pick him up and take him home. Steven got violent, and dragged her 150 feet from the car to the house by her hair. He punched her in the face hard enough to break her cheek bone, and his hand. Basically, he beat the shit out of her.

She left. Thank god. Took the babies and went to her parents house and is vowing to never go back. She filed charges and a restraining order. Nothing will happen until Jan. 3rd, when the judges get back, as they are all on vacation. She was told that she can't get the order until then. Steven was told by a policeman friend not to turn himself in until then because there is no one to issue bail. (My dad took him in last night... if Steph can't get an order until then, my family did the right thing and made sure that Steven didn't have a way to get near her.)

Basically, I come from a family of hicks. Until yesterday, I mourned this, hid from it and pretended it didn't exist. But I've changed my mind! Instead, I'm going to celebrate it, and laugh my ass off at it, because at this point, these people don't want to help themselves anymore, and let's face it... rednecks are funny.

My sister- Jessica. 22 Years old. 7 DUIs at this point, 5 of them before her 21st birthday. She hasn't had a car or license for years, so she drives around collecting DUIs on her moped. Mannish lesbian. That's no problem for me, by the way, just part of who she is being described. Tattoo sleeves all the way up her arms. Thinks she looks like Eminem: http://www.royb.org/~pezstar/jess.jpg .

Brother #2- Greg. A bit on the slow side. Married a white trash skank named Brandy, had 2 kids. Kid number one is not his, per the paternity test taken a few months back. Actual father of kid #1 is Greg's STEPFATHER. Yes. His wife slept with her father in law, got pregnant, and now Greg's son is his brother.

So there ya go. Meet my family.

All things considered, I'm in a pretty darn good mood today. I've been feeling good lately as a whole!

I'm proud of myself. I'm actively working toward bettering myself, and the added bonus that I didn't expect is that my self-esteem is rising at the same time. I've lost 20 pounds since about Sept. I have a job, and will *gasp* get a paycheck tomorrow. Holy crap, money that I earned! I'm a productive member of society!

I have a solid list of goals and I plan to check them off, one by one. I have a boyfriend who is also my best friend. It doesn't get any better than that. (Did I ever tell you how awesome trmj is? Because he's awesome. Really awesome.)

Basically, this entry was fluff. But hey. I feel pretty good.

It has been a really good day! Disclaimer: By day I mean 2 days. /disclaimer.

Last night Tom and I went and saw Tally Hall. This was one of the best shows I've ever been to, and they're coming BACK! Mid January, they will be in Cambridge. We are definitely going. We also got free swag! We each got one t-shirt, and they tried to give us each an additional one, but I declined the second. Tom didn't and he got a clever shirt reading "Don't not listen to Tally Hall." I felt bad for taking their swag for free... I know that bands playing in small bar venues don't make more than a pittance... their money comes from merchandise. Had we more money, we would have actually bought stuff. Oh, and we got in for free too! YAY TALLY HALL!

Enter today! I went to work. That was neat. I got off early, and Tom met me in Central Square so I could get boots! I keep missing the shuttle bus to work and having to walk a mile. I don't really mind the walk, as I'm not a morning person and it tends to wake me up, but I DO mind that it's in the snow in an area where the sidewalks have not been salted. Neither have the roads for that matter.

So my shoes get full of cold and wet and it's a less than ideal situation. I also slipped on the ice twice today and scraped up one of my knees pretty well. I was wearing my brace so my wrist is fine. So now I have boots! They're not as awesome as, say, a pair of Docs, but they will do. Honestly, I'm really grateful to have them. After the last couple of mornings, I'm able to appreciate them.

Things with my family are going a bit better. My mom got over being devastated that we can't really afford the trip home for Christmas and offered to pay for it. I thought about the offer for awhile and opted to decline it, and stay here instead. Tom and I could both really use the few extra days of work right now. We should be much better off in a month, so we are going to try to do it at the end of January. I'm pretty sad about the whole thing... I miss my mom a lot. I still call her every day, and we're quite close. But soon enough.

She is having surgery tomorrow. She has some sort of mass in her uterus. It's apparantly benign, but still... she didn't tell me about it until Sunday. She found out three weeks ago. I'll grant her that I am a notorious worrier and that is a valid excuse, but if I didn't tell her about something that major with my body, she'd be livid.

Nonetheless, I will try my best to make the most out of Christmas up here away from my family. Tom pointed out that a family is a group of people you love and that blood doesn't mean much, and that I more or less have a family up here, whether I realize it or not. Perhaps he's right, but I still miss my mommy.

I called Breyer's this morning to inquire as to whether or not their extra creamy vanilla ice cream contained gluten. They REFUSED to tell me, stating that for liability reasons, in case the ingredients changed, they can't discuss which products do or do not contain gluten, but by reading the label ingredients, I should be able to ascertain that myself if I've had Celiac's Disease for more than a few weeks.

Excuse me?

I fired off a rather angry email to their customer service people and asked how I can be expected to just psychic-ally know whether the annatto coloring they use contains gluten or not, as not all do.

Grr. It's my understanding that very shortly companies will be required by federal law to state on their labels whether a product contains gluten or not. But the attitude of Breyer's just pisses me off.

Who plans to be in the greater Boston area for Christmas and would possibly be interested in having a bit of a get together?

Once financial stability is regained and useless gadgetry can again be purchased, this is at the top of my list:

http://www.pezmp3.com/

Man, do ever want that. Talk about awesome. For those who don't know, I'm an absolute Pez freak. I even have a pez tattoo. Picture here: http://www.royb.org/~pezstar/Pict0012.JPG .

It's the weekend! Next week looks promising, and as long as Trmj and I both work every day next week (also looks promising) we will be able to afford to go home to NC for Christmas. If not, then we can't, but I refuse to even entertain that thought, and I deserve to see my family, so the world isn't allowed to be cruel this time. I declare it illegal.

How're you all?

It's my fault, Tom and I'm sorry. Look over at me. It's 1:30 in the afternoon, and instead of being at work, I'm sitting here. I can give you a thousand reasons why I'm not at work, but when it all comes down to it, I could have walked into a job at a shitty burger factory and at least brought home SOMETHING. So I'm sorry. I really am. I love you, and I'm really sorry. I look back at my life... I've been self-sufficient since I was 16. I haven't been for about 2 months now and it's shitty, and ultimately, it's my own fault. Now it's the 6th of the month and rent was due 6 days ago, and we're a little on the fucked side. I'll disappear back to my old house with my old roommates and stop destroying your life now. I'm so, so, sorry.

Dear Self, Grow the hell up. Your issues mean nothing in the grand scope of things. -Jenn

On our way out of town on Wednesday, Tom and I saw what I was certain was a crazy girl standing in Central Square, wearing next to nothing, holding a sign reading "Need $ for boob job". We figured it was a dare or a sorority prank.

I'm an avid farker. I check fark about 6,000 times a day. Fark gave me my answer.

http://www-tech.mit.edu/V125/N57/DM0557.html

In other news, for the last several days, I've changed my philosophy from "Say what you want, when you want" to "WWSD". WWSD stands for What Would Solemn Do. It started when Tom's mother expressed disgust at the sweater I intended to wear to Thanksgiving dinner and picked out and purchased a new one for me. My first instinct was to be offended and bitchy about it. But just before I let loose, I thought "Hmm. That's never gotten me anywhere. What would Solemn do?" I smiled, thanked her graciously, and wore the sweater to thanksgiving dinner. Instead of having my boyfriend's mother hate me for being rude, she likes me, and I have a pretty new sweater. All I had to do to get the pretty sweater was smile and wear it.

The same philosophy works well with other things. Instead of being angry that I can't have sticky buns, I can learn to make my OWN sticky buns. Instead of being an outright bitch to the plethora of girls in Doylestown, PA who made it blatantly clear over the Thanksgiving holiday that they want my boyfriend and are not happy to meet me, I smiled, took his hand and held my head up high. With a particularly determined girl, i just reached over and played with Tom's hair while conversing with her about Universities in North Carolina in a natural tone of voice. It is quite possible to say "MY BOYFRIEND" without being confrontational. The added bonus of this is that no one can say "Tom, your girlfriend is a bitch," because I wasn't!

So yes. I think WWSD is a fine philosophy to keep my big mouth from getting me in trouble, and maybe a little healthier too. So thanks, Solemn!

The family visiting for Thanksgiving isn't going to happen. Trmj's boss royally SCREWED him on his last paycheck, and there's just no way. Honestly, at this point even rent is questionable, much less a trip. Christmas is probably not going to happen either. I am not going to cry. I swear.

You people and your memes. They're like crack. STOP IT. 1. Name someone with the same birthday as you. John Quincy Adams. EB White. Georgio Armani
2. Where was your first kiss? The courtyard of my middle school on the last day of 8th grade.
3. Have you ever seriously vandalized someone else's property? My high school pal Mindy and I peed on her boyfriend's car seat at a party when we caught him there with another girl. For the record, this was 9 years ago.
4. Have you ever hit someone of the opposite sex? The last time Boone hit me, I hit back. Also, my brothers.
5. Have you ever sung in front of a large number of people? There were about 80 people there when I competed for my vocal scholarship. I played my flute in front of a couple thousand, I think.
6. What's the first thing you notice about the preferred sex? uh... i have no idea. Total package, I guess.
7. What really turns you on? Joey Lawrence
8. What do you order at Starbucks? medium iced mocha, decaf
9. What is your biggest mistake? Boone. The whole thing.
10. Have you ever hurt yourself on purpose? Not unless piercings and tattoos count. OH! YES! I smoke. I hurt myself on purpose every day.
11. Say something totally random about yourself. MXPX is bringing me way too much joy at this very moment.
12. Has anyone ever said you look like a celebrity? No.
13. Do you still watch kiddy movies or tv shows? I'm lame. All I watch on TV is the news or the weather channel.
14. Did you have braces? no
15. Are you comfortable with your height? Yeah. I'm average height. Trmj mocks me and calls me short, but I'm pretty sure he's lying.
16. What is the most romantic thing someone of the preferred sex has done for you? Brought me morning glory dew and enriched mana biscuits.
17. When do you know it's love? I don't.
18. Do you speak any other languages? I have a decent knowledge of french. I took a total of 8 semesters of Latin... 6 in high school, 2 in college. So if dead languages count, yeah.
19. Have you ever been to a tanning salon? Heh. no.
20. What magazines do you read? I'm more of an online kinda gal. I like Salon.com.
21. Have you ever ridden in a limo? Yeah
22. Has anyone you were really close to passed away? Yes. And I found the body! Fun for all.
23. Do you watch mtv? No. ew.
24. What's something that really annoys you? Passive aggressive-ness. SAY WHAT YOU WANT.
25. What's something you really like? The beach. Or... my beach. The one in my hometown.
26. Do you like Michael Jackson? He's kind of creepy.
27. Can you dance? Only at a ska show.
28. What's the latest you have ever stayed up? 3 days and some change. All of it working at the sheraton while hurricane isabel was going on.
29. Have you ever been rushed by an ambulance into the emergency room? Yeah, but I could have driven. I was in a minor car accident, hitting a deer, and I smacked my head on the steering wheel. The cop that found me in the ditch made me go.
30. Do you actually read these when other people fill them out? yes... they're like crack.
32. What are your car/truck radio buttons set to? HA. I sold my car when I moved here.
33. When you're completely burned out, what's a good way to recharge (other than sleep)? World of Warcraft
34. What's your favourite place that you've travelled to? The Arizona desert. Or Vancouver. They are equal on the awesome list.
35. What do you want to try that you haven't yet? Sleeping in a bungalow in Bora Bora.
36. Five things you love to eat, and five things you hate to eat? anything with honey in it, olives, cereal, microwave burritos, collard greens/ mushrooms, raisins, seafood, licorice, peanut butter. The 5 most vile substances ever created.
37. Did you learn to drive stick or automatic first? manual pick-up truck. Go me.
38. Do you like board games? Sure!
39. Tell me your opinion about gambling. I don't have one.
40. How many dictionaries do you own? I have a llatin dictionary around here somewhere.
41. What's your favorite medium to work in? uh. Outside on my back porch. It's getting too cold. I weep.
42. What was your undergraduate major, and was it always that or did you switch? It was meteorology then hospitality management.
43. Worst physical pain you've been in? kidney stones.
44. Who's your best friend? John, probably. I don't really keep anyone that close. I know better.
45. Was high school good? Why (not)? Average, I guess.
46. What kinds of music do you like best? Get specific, if you can. Uh. God, I hate this question. I change my mind all the time with my mood. Today is a punk/emo/ska day. My playlist is almost entirely MXPX, Less Than Jake, NOFX, Rancid and the bosstones today.
47. Last three CDs you bought: I illegally download my music from the internets. I am going to hell.
48. And conversely, what kinds of music would you rather never hear? If I never hear another rap song, it will be too soon. I pretty much despise all forms of techno-shit, too.
49. Five favorite movies: Star Wars(All of them except episode 2. That never existed.), Grease, Clerks, All the harry potter stuff, office space. um.
50. What's something other people like that you just can't get into? Life outside of my computer.
51. When you want to look good, what do you wear? A smile.
52. When your heart breaks, how do you put it back together? Each of my tattoos and piercings has a story behind it, all related to some sort of deep emotional pain. I have 2 piercings in my left eyebrow, one in my right, my labret, my tongue and a couple tattoos. None of the holes are closed, though I only wear the tongue regularly anymore.
53. Should the following be exterminated: white briefs: ... blue eyeshadow: My mom still wears it. pants that create the muffin-top look on women: What the ... flip flops in the office: NO
54. Were you a Boy/Girl Scout? No. I wanted to be a girl scout but we couldn't afford it.
55. Can you swim? Yep.
56. Tell me your guilty pleasures: Joey Lawrence. Seriously. It's sick.
57. Do you have a library card? no.
58. What's the best present you've received in the past five years? A way away from Boone and to Boston.
59. Do you have a favorite: No. I don't have a favorite any of that stuff.
60. You're in a strange city for the weekend. What will you do while you're there? Go to the zoo, if they have one. Boston doesn't. It's sad.
61. Are you thrifty? It's almost sad, how thrifty I am.
62. You bought tickets for a cultural event. What are you going to see? I'm going to sell the tickets to the cultural event and go see a band. For example, MXPX is playing in Worcester in the 26th. Can we please go, Tom? I'll teach you how to get injured at a rock show. :)
63. What's something you're hanging onto that you don't need anymore? A lot of negative mental imagery.

Do vegans swallow?

Are any of you nice people good or even mediocre with PHP? I've come up with a script for raid sign-ups for my World of Warcraft guild (yes. It's dorky. I know) and the code looks fine to me, but when I try to load the page, all I get is an empty page with a viewsource of . Can anyone look over the code and see if there is something obvious I'm missing?