Know a really big lizard is behind all of this.

With Upper-Management Written All Over Him

Compared to the code you'll find in a CVS or SVN these days, the VCS itself is the leadt of your problems.

If they forgot to add toilets.

If analytics samurai draw a lot of false conclusions from bad data, will they commit ritual suicide?

Totes agree with everything you said.

The Malware of the Future May Come Bearing Real Gifts

Malware you can't delete off your machine and that destroys your computer slowly, such as Symantec and MacAfee, have gifted users free trials for years.

While I agree with gist of your sentiment, you're making the assumption that the submitter was able to make the choice of vendor. Not all of us get to choose which technologies we're required to support. Maybe a pointy-haired boss told the guy to go with the vendor because his buddy, the vendor's CEO, let's him win at golf.

In rare cases, you can still pay people for a subscription you don't use and use an alternative instead. e.g. Use an open source piece of software. The only small hitch is that usually executives mandate something be used if they pay for it. Which is why these cases are rare.

Ukranian Darth Vader will solve the seperatist rebel problem by incinerating the planet that shelters them. Incidentally that will also solve Ukraine's debt problem, crime, and energy dependence on Russia.

Ready for the world's religions?

A study recently found that "Duh" is far more succinct than "You're telling us something we already new", and "No shit sherlock" applies greater annoyance at the repetition of redundant information.

Yes.

On the other hand, it might very well be that without galactic ray radiation shaking up the DNA mix every now and then we'd all still be pond scum right now.

The problem is that we don't have enough people graduating with STEM degrees. All the smart people people at Fox news know this.