After being a little mad at slashdot I figure that shouldn't stop me from writing. I'm supposed to try and share more. Some people think I don't share enough, some people say too much. I think they're both right.

First off, after the last post about car stuff I can now give an update on that. I did it. I bought a car. It's a 2008 Ford Focus SES, and I'm absolutely thrilled about it. I'm scared, but it's exciting at the same time. I haven't got much use out of it yet, but it's going to be a big help. I'm especially thinking about the small things that shouldn't take so long, but would wind up being tripled in time due to public transportation. Things like going to pickup medicine or going at lunch to run some small errand.

Last weekend I didn't get a chance to do anything major. I had hoped to either go to Santa Cruz or to Muir Woods, but it didn't happen. This weekend a coworker invited me to go kayaking, but it's supposed to rain all weekend. Although the sun is out right now.

I was trying to find something and someplace to go where it wouldn't be raining, but what I've seen of the weather the whole state of California is going to be rained on. So they say. I don't want to be out in the rain, but I don't want to sit around either.

I actually don't know that there is any other news. I've been trying to keep up with reading. I've also been jotting down lots of notes, quick one-liners, and ideas in hopes that I'll have some huge outpouring of writing soon. I keep sitting down intending to do one thing and end up everywhere except my destination.

It's okay, I try not to let it get to me. My life has at least taught me that phases come and go. Eventually I'll come around. In the meantime it's all about riding it out. Speaking of which, maybe I should go for one.

Sorry IamBMETammy, I don't know what's going on, but it's says my journal has been "archived" and no new comments are allowed. That upsets me. I don't think there's any use in complaining.

My hilarious reply, before I was so rudely told I couldn't do so, was going to be that he got fired. Which he did, but not for that reason.

Gosh, now this whole comment thing has me thrown off and I don't really feel like posting anymore. I could just quickly blurt out all the things that have happened, but that's not fair. Then all the excitement is lost.

Ok folks, this isn't going to happen right now. Time to get back to work anyway.

A coworker left their music running. I can hear it coming from the speaker inside the computer. It's this mellow, trance sort of music. Not really in my tastes. I can tolerate it, but the reason I come in early is for the quiet. It's oddly annoying and soothing. All while distracting me from whatever is at hand.

I suppose I could turn his computer off. I don't think that would go over very well. I could also put on my headphones, but I'm really sick of having to put them on as a means to stay sane. If I was really smart I would have thought to put them on his computer, then I'd have to explain why he has a nice set of headphones on his desk. And he's the sort of person that would likely keep them and explain to me that I was giving them to him as a present.

I've been meaning to write up some new goals. I mentioned this before. I still haven't come up with a list, but I do think I have something in mind. I'm thinking of getting a car.

Now I just have to figure out what I want. I've been looking at used cars on Craigs List, but that's a lot of work. So now I've been thinking about new cars. Used cars I was looking for either a Toyota Corolla or Honda Civic. That's what I was told would be best. So that's what I'm also thinking about in a new car, with the addition of a Toyota Tacoma.

I figure I need to either go low or high. So I'm either going with a $3000 used car that I don't know what has happened to it, or I can shoot for a new car for around $14,000. In reality, the new car price is likely to be more around 15,000 or 16,000. I'd like to think I could get around 14,000 though.

Insurance looks like it's actually gone up. I did a quote and I think it's more than what I was paying prior to being whatever that age limit is where the price changes. What is that age, like 24 or 25? I don't remember. Doesn't matter though.

I've been asking people for advice and as always have gotten extreme mixed answers. I need to get a hold of my uncle who is in the car business. I'd like to run my thoughts by him and see if there's anything I should be concerned about or maybe some kind of tip he can give me.

I tried calling him a little while ago. No answer at their house. The fact that I know he's not home doesn't really make me want to call his cellphone. I'm ansy in the pantsy, and that's not a good thing. Especially with such a big decision like this. I should feel like a big boy now making big boy decisions, but I have to admit that I still feel like a scared little boy.

Heath Ledger Dead at 28

Much too frequently has my mortality been brought to light. Aside from the work thing today I found myself asking the question, "what really makes me, me?"

Is it or isn't it the way I look, the way I act? Is it only my dna? It's something I can't comprehend all at once. I also look to when I was a teenager and who my idles were. The things they accomplished by the time they were my age now. I can't live up to them. I have to live up to myself, but it never seems to be enough.

I have found myself searching for new goals, which is a good sign that I finished what I set out to do. It's scary though because it brings me to asking what's next. I'm not sure.

No, I'm not okay. I'm tired, sad, and angry. X2 was let go today, or "forced to resign", or however the fuck you want to put it to make yourself feel better. It still boils down to the same thing though. And the fact that everyone can seemingly just go on as normal is what really gets me. I mean, I feel like being sick and everyone else just smiles and pretends like nothing is going on. Yet you can hear the whispers and shit. I hate it. I hate being a part of it. I feel like I've lost a little bit of myself, or a family member. Something of that nature, someone that is close to me.

The only way I can seem to describe it right now is like being punched in the stomach and then being told to smile about it. Fuck! And where does this leave me? Wondering, confused, sad. It's almost a fate worse than death. I'm sure people would love to know when they're going to die, but this seems worse. Not only do you not know when it's going to happen, but then you have to find a way to continue moving on.

Ugh. C1 talked with me when we both left the office just now. He says we don't really need to worry, but I can't help it. Sure I do the best I can, but how am I supposed to know if it's good enough. No one is complaining, but it's not like I get a pat on the back everyday either. I feel like I'm supposed to be "grown up" about this and not let my emotions show. That is probably my first mistake. I get involved and make it personal. Everyone says, "oh, it's just business that's the way it goes." But I hate that. I have to see these people everyday. Am I supposed to go on forever pretending that they're strangers or that they don't matter?

Sure, there are some people that I wouldn't mind seeing go, but would I wish that upon them? No! Again, when it all comes down to it would I rather it be me or someone else? I would like to think I'm a kind and generous person, but I don't know that I could say I'd rather it be me. Even if I knew the other person was better suited.

And why does this thing seem so preconceived? B1's gone, so I can't even talk to him about it to get any sort of comfort. Yet I'm suspicious that they did this while he was gone. Is it because they knew if he was around he'd make a big deal out of it? Maybe not, maybe it doesn't matter. B2 will probably shrug it off and chalk it up to "just being business."

I don't get it, and I don't think I ever will. Is that a good quality to have, because right now it's not seeming like it is. Sigh. I wasn't going to have anything to drink tonight, but now I just don't want to think so I guess that makes me weak.

Sorry.

I opened up one of the holes. I don't know if that's natural, or if I did something to cause that, but that's how it is now. It weirds me out, but whatever. It's not like it hurts or anything.

I had an absolutely fantastic night yesterday. And today I talked with my sister and she'll be coming out here next month. Our excuse for now is that we're getting together for a "combined" birthday, but really I think it's just because she's anxious to get out here. Ever since I moved she's been talking about coming out here. Seeing how things went with the holidays I'm ready and know that I can handle her now. Before I was reluctant because I can be a bit boring. Not to mention I was still acclimating to my surroundings.

I still have a lot to see, but that's part of what made yesterday so awesome. I went into the city and got to see some more. I periodically go out, but as I readjust my goals I figured in the meantime I'd fill my downtime with some city exploration.

I wrote out some details earlier, but won't be posting them now. Maybe later I'll edit and post. Not guaranteed though.

So this big storm blows into town yesterday and wouldn't you know it, that's the day I'm supposed to get my wisdom teeth removed finally. I was supposed to have that done like 3 years ago and couldn't. Then last year I had to get some fillings re-done and ate up my insurance for the year.

Back in September my wisdom teeth really started to hurt. I make a consultation appointment in early November. I had considered just getting it over and done with at the time, but I figured there's only like another month and a half before insurance rolls over. With that in mind I opted to wait.

Well I get a call yesterday that the power went out at the oral surgeon's office. Just my type of luck. After much stuttering and stammering I tell them that if they're willing then I'd like to not reschedule and take my chances that the power will come back on.

I get another call a little while later telling me that the power did come back on and that since everyone had canceled I could come right in. Based on the x-ray's the doctor had said they were going to be tough, but he seemingly didn't have much trouble and I would say did a good job. While it's not fun, this doesn't seem that bad.

I went out and got milk and fruit for smoothies after the surgery and waiting for my prescriptions. I had some trouble sleeping, but I made up for that this morning. Now I'm just kind of bored. I can't really concentrate, so I can't sit still or find anything that will keep me busy.

I'd like a Dr. Pepper, but I'm guessing that's probably not such a good idea. What to do, what to do. I have some books I still need to finish up. I've also tinkered with the idea of writing. That's been on my mind, but I can't seem to bring myself to do it. I was just looking over a short story I started a little while ago and was horrified at how it came out. It needs to be completely re-written, but I haven't the patience. It's frustrating knowing what I want, but not feeling like I can do it. No one ever said things would be easy though.

I was going home for the holidays, but I didn't get a chance to write beforehand with all the random, awesome craziness that ensued. I partially wrote my plan out, but I don't know there is much use in posting it now.

My current idea is that I need to go back over what I wrote and fill in the spots that are lacking detail or any information at all. I didn't get to write each day, but I think I did backtracking at some point.

Now I'm back...well, home. Chicago is much too harsh for me and I don't know that I really care for it. Not that I ever really did. It's hard to say that I like it less now, but I definitely see stand-out issues that make me glad to be where I am. The people and atmosphere are so much different, so much more volatile.

I had high hopes of putting a dvd or slideshow of new pictures to show family and friends to go along with my stories, but I wasn't able to do that. Let alone I forget to bring any pictures at all. Now I need to get pictures and gather whatever one's I have and post them.

I'm playing catch up so I'm not sure what to expect.

It's been a while. A very long while. First, there was the massive migration over to Multiply. Slow at first I finally picked up. I couldn't quite get into the swing of things though.

Then it was on again off again for a while. Finally, I just gave up. I've only been journaling to myself lately, and that's only when the mood strikes me. I barely squeak by the details and wish I would do a better job or just not do it at all.

My new life has been treating me well. I can go into that later if I get the chance and really feel like I need to explain here.

The main reason I'm posting though is I was thinking of KoriaDesevis. Maybe it's a subconscious thing after hearing about the east coast being pounded with snow. Or thinking how different my life would be if I would have gotten one of the jobs I applied for out there being landing my current job, which has treated me very, very well. I'm still thankful to all involved, and to slashdot for being the catalyst.

So here I am. Just thinking.

As a consequence of the book of paradoxes I picked up, I've been thinking about certain aspects of the world and science. It would seem to me because of infinity that measurements are arbitrary. Take such an example:

If there is an infinite set of numbers, then you could measure a single point forever.

To further the example and get more specific, you could measure a length onto infinity. Say you wanted to measure the distance of a room. Because a measurement can be broken down, you could keep measuring even though there was a boundary. You could take one inch and it would keep getting broke down into infinity. One inch into one centimeter, one centimeter into one millimeter, one millimeter into one element, one element into one atom, and you could measure that one atom into more miniscule proportions. What then? The atom doesn't go on forever, but with fractions of the measurement it would because each fraction would never lead to a whole.

The point being that any measurement is meaningless and only given to bring about a definition or terms for explaining something. Time is another measurement that I believe to be insignificant. Time isn't anything you can see, but it gives humans a way to measure that which is not there. I can't say that I believe time really exists, but that is not to say I don't find it helpful. It's a way for people to sync with each other.

I'm going to limit my thoughts at this point, otherwise this journal entry would go on forever. Be careful when playing with infinity.

I have plenty of questions now because I bought a book while in Berkeley. I was killing time because I went to AnimeV and there was a sign that indicated they would re-open at 1 PM. In the time that I was waiting I found a Barnes & Noble bookstore. I went in just to look around. Actually, I was hoping it was one of the stores that had DVD's so I could look for anime there.

Since it is a bookstore I did decide to look at the books first. As I was going through the isles I came across the Philosophy section. I don't know that I've ever really taken an in-depth look into philosophy. One particular book caught my attention. It is called "paradoxes from a to z" by Michael Clark.

I grabbed it from the shelf and was thrilled by the material. It enticed my mind, though I hadn't intended on making any book purchases. I am sure that I have quite a few books in my possession that I have yet to read and figured it would be excessive to buy a new book. I put the book back and continued going through the shelves. I came to the computer section and found an interesting book on algorithms. The book seemed to be focused on algorithm's for solving mazes.

Once again I found my thoughts telling me to put the book back, especially since computer books are even more expensive than normal books. I reached the end of that half of the store and went to the middle and looked at the other half and found they did not have DVD's. I walked through the other half of the store. Once I reached the end of that side I found myself drawn towards the Philosophy section again.

I picked up that same book again and read some more, finally I decided that since it sparked such an interest I would purchase the book. If anything it has at least got me thinking again and could lead me to start thinking up new things to write.

Most of these paradoxes deal with some question that regards infinity. One particularly interesting paradox was about a mule placed equally distant between two piles of hay and buckets of water. It goes on that because of animal determinism and having two equals with no distinction that the mule cannot choose and therefore starves.

I thought logically about this and while I find myself acting in a similar fashion, there could certainly be some detail that would make a difference. Such a choice could be made on where the sun is located. Maybe one pile would be in the sun first and would be warmer so the animal could choose to eat that first, saving the other pile for later when the sun would warm that one. Perhaps the animal was placed in a white room with no windows and fluorescent lights, which would truly make this situation more difficult and get back to the intent of the original paradox.

Getting back to my day, I left the bookstore and headed back to AnimeV to find that they were still closed. I walked around the corner and saw a McDonald's and decided that all this thinking about hay and water had made me realize I was hungry. I went and ate while reading my new book. I walked back to the anime store to find it still closed. I stood there reading my book as I waited. Finally after about 40 minutes I decided that the store wasn't opening in any matter of time that I would find suitable and left.

On my way back to the train station I waited on the corner to cross the street and some guy waved at me. I thought maybe there was someone behind me and paid no attention. He waved again and I felt a little more uneasy as I didn't sense anyone behind me. I crossed the street and he approached me. He asked me, "Do you have a minute to fight global warming?" I quickly questioned how important this next minute was to me and decided I'd let him talk to me without immediately walking away.

I'm not going to say anything more on that matter as it's not of much importance. What is important is that I will probably never go out of my way to go to AnimeV again. It would have been fine that they were closed on this occasion had there been a note. They could have been closed and I would excuse it as maybe something was unavoidable, but couldn't they have put a note up? This will certainly not be good for their business as even if I hadn't found what I wanted I still would have made attempts to go back and surely would have ended up making purchases there. Now I will be making sure someone else gets my anime business. While I may not like waiting for online orders, I can be assured that I will at least be able to pick and order what I want from someplace like Amazon.

With my time now I will spend it pondering whether I am a paradox.

I can't think of anything to write. I don't seem to be getting around to writing about my daily life, and I can't seem to come up with any creative stories to write about. I can't tell if it's writer's block, or that I'm not trying hard enough. I think I need to force myself to sit down and write about something.

I think part of what's holding me back is fear. I tend to start thinking about what I'd like to be writing and then can't follow through because I'm scared it won't come out right. I also get scared of working more on some stories in fear that I'll screw a part up. Though since it's just computer work it's not like it would be all that hard to remove an entire section, or make changes so that it worked better.

In my strange ways, that's another thing to worry about. I get to thinking that I might work on something too much and then ruin it that way. I can't believe it, but I made myself laugh at how silly that thought was. It's ridiculous that I over think things so much. I had overcome that for a period, but I seem to be getting stuck in that bad habit again.

To combat it successfully as I have done before I need to get into the mode where I act and not think. It's a matter of doing things rather than trying to lay out the path before I get there. That's precisely how to get nowhere.

In retrospect, I'm happy that these silly things are the most of my worries. It's nice to have such frivolous things be at the forefront of my thought rather than such serious things that are truly detrimental.

On Thursday I had an adventure worth telling about. For some reason I'm only now choosing to write about it.

Sometime last week it came to my attention that a favorite author of mine, Cory Doctorow, was going to be in town for a book signing. For those of you who are not familiar with him, he has written many award winning sci-fi short stories, some books like "Down and Out in the Magic Kingdom", and has been involved in making a difference in a number of areas. If you would like to find out more about him you can check out his website.

I had considered going, but was reluctant to go out because it was on a weeknight and I was just making excuses because I was scared. The thing about me is that I'm afraid to go out most of the time. I don't know why, there's nothing to be afraid of. I think it's more so that I'm afraid of wasting time and energy on things I'm not sure will keep my attention for more than a few minutes.

That morning my sister emailed me about the event. Her bringing it up made me start rethinking the whole thing. It even inspired me because it made me realize I should have more exciting stories to tell. At the end of the work day I had decided to make an attempt at going.

I went straight home to get my bag and camera. I was able to catch a bus to the train station only a few minutes after I got home. I got onto the train going to the city. The train ride was touch and go. There seemed to be infrequent stops. Finally there was an announcement that there was something wrong with the train and everyone had to get off at the next stop because they were taking the train out of service.

While getting off I noticed a coworker. We met and stood on the platform as we waited for the next train to come get us. We talked to pass the time, and as we were standing there I noticed what looked like a homeless person. I didn't pay much attention to what she was doing, but thought it was odd that she was on the platform as most of the homeless people stay outside of the train stations.

When the train came my coworker and I got on and found a pair of seats. We continued are conversation, then all of the sudden I see that crazy lady on the train. She was moving about with this cart and then ended up sitting next to us with her cart blocking the exit and the pathway. She couldn't sit still and was spouting off obscenities. It sounded like she was talking about being repressed and something about 6,000 years. Both my coworker and myself tried to not let her interrupt us. Then at one of the stops this police officer comes from the rear and asks this lady what she was doing. It appeared as though he had dealt with her before and knew her name. He stepped in trying to get passed her cart and ended up having to push it out of the way.

Then when he got in there was another officer behind him. She said she was going to one of the stops, and the officers seemed content that she was on the right train going there. They got off at the next stop and the lady with her cart stayed on. My coworker got off soon and asked if I was going to be alright. It was nice of him to ask, but I wasn't worried about her. He suggested that I might consider getting off sooner than I had planned if necessary.

The lady ended up not getting off at the stop she said she was going to. I'm not sure if she was just too wrapped up in her own thoughts to realize, or had just told the cops something so they'd leave her alone. Either way, my stop came up and I was off and on my way.

The night was rainy, but I was prepared with an umbrella. I had thought it might be a good thing that it was rainy in that it might mean there would be fewer people at the book signing making it more personable. I walked a few blocks and was excited that I was out and doing this. I think it helped that it was more spur of the moment. I seem to do better when I don't have a plan, or that I'm not locked into doing something.

I finally find the bookstore and walk in, and right there standing to the side of the door is Cory Doctorow just standing there. He was giving his attention to this little girl. Obviously the child of someone else he knew there as I had heard him mention about the last time he saw her. I go to the counter to grab his new book, and another one that I had already read online, but wanted to purchase a hard copy to show my support.

Once I made the purchase I went to go take a seat. I ended up sitting in the back. Cory went up to the stool and took a seat behind the podium. He greeted us, then read a short story. He picked one that only took a few minutes to read and explained rather than sit there and read to us for the whole time he would rather open it up to talk to us so we could ask questions.

It seemed to me that there were quite a few people there that he was familiar with. That didn't put me off, but I also didn't have much I could add because I don't follow the same topics as closely as some of them do. I didn't feel lost though and could follow the questions and answers well enough. I did get in the last question of the night. I wasn't particularly proud of my question as I would have liked it to come out of my mouth better than it did. I asked a quick, simple question about how he normally feels about creating his stories. The question came out as, "Do you know where your stories are taking you beforehand?" That's not as elegant as I would have liked it to be.

Once he finished with that we lined up for him to sign our books. He was very friendly and took the time to talk to everyone while he signed their books. I don't feel he rushed anyone along. I can't say that anyone got to have a great long conversation with him, but there was enough time to at least talk to him like a normal person. I didn't have much to say other than thanking him for inspiring me and touching on the things he does. He signed both of my books and I got to take a picture with him.

I didn't stick around afterwards because I felt I got my time in and didn't think that there would be any other moments. It was an excellent night and I'm glad I had the opportunity to meet him, something I never thought I'd do or get a chance for.

Finally, I return home and I'm really tired now. So it was work, then I had forgotten about the lunch there was for this 401(K) meeting. I went to that and had free pizza. After that as I was getting ready to go when my coworker very generously offered to give me a ride to my doctor's appointment, as he had some errands to run.

Before we left I forgot to check the address of the doctors office, which made it quite amusing as I walked up and down the street looking for the office. This was of course after I convinced my coworker that I could "just find the place." And I did find the place eventually.

I got there still early and checked in at the desk. I had expected to fill out forms, and forms are what I filled out. After the forms I had a nurse take me into the back and measure my weight. So I guess moving means you usually move a little extra weight when you get wherever you're going, cause I put on about ten pounds. Not too proud of that. I am getting back into a more normal and regular eating habit, which should hopefully bring me back down.

The nurse then brought me into the room and I had a seat on the table with the paper cover on it. She asked me some questions, then asked if it would be okay if the doctor's intern came in. I told her it was fine.

This young man came in and started asking questions and talking to me. Apparently he came from around the area I moved from. He seemed eager and willing to ask questions and listen. It was fascinating for the both of us. We talked about my butt problem. After he had filled up an entire page of a notepad he was off and said it sounded like the other doctor was about ready.

I sat there and waited looking around the small room. Space really is at a premium out here. It's kind of sad, but I can deal. My previous doctor had a nice office with plenty of spacious rooms. I remember at some of the worst and anxious moments spent in that office listening to songs that were awkwardly inappropriate for the mood. I remember when I went to go talk to him about my depression Cher's song, "Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves" was playing. That was the most memorable. I know there are at least two other moments, but I can't seem to recall them at this moment.

This small room, was yellow and seemed old and not as inviting. Like I was saying, I was sitting there looking around the room and couldn't help but fixate on the wipes, latex gloves, and other lubricants and such tools to probe and violate my innocent body. I have to admit I was half expecting this doctor to barge in, tell me to pull my pants down, tell me to bend over the table, and do things with his finger.

First, I had this thing with my ear. The intern had taken a look but didn't see anything abnormal. When the doctor did come in he checked it out and was like, "Oh there's a hair in your ear." I had to ask, "is this a loose hair or one that's growing from the inside?" He said it was loose and that they could rinse out my ear if I wanted. Then we talked about my Attention Deficit Disorder medicine. He was reluctant and didn't want to prescribe my medicine to me. I couldn't argue as it's a stimulant and that sort of medicine does have certain rules and regulations.

Moving on we talked about my sleep. He said normally he would just order a sleep study, but since I'm not overweight he said he would recommend an ear, nose, and throat doctor. He checked my blood pressure again and it had gone down some more. Finally, he said he would give me a month's prescription for my medicine. I'm also supposed to go to the lab and get my cholesterol checked and then make another appointment to finish getting checked up and possibly a physical.

He said he'd get the referral for that ear, nose, and throat doctor. I asked if we were finished, and he said I could be on my way. He didn't talk to me about my butt, and we forgot about rinsing my ear out. I didn't realize of course until well after I was out of the office and wandering around somewhere.

Since I was in the general vicinity I decided I would get a haircut. I needed one anyway, so really that worked out. From there I went to the train station to go to where I know there was a Walgreens. I went and gave them my prescription and they said it would be about an hour and a half. I went and walked around. I sat down outside where there was a circular cement ledge in the middle of some benches. I sat on the cement ledge and made two phone calls. I didn't get anyone so I took out a book. As I sat there and read there was this man that was leaning against the cement by the benches. I'm not sure but I think he had a few visitors with him, because he was speaking around him randomly saying vulgar things. And by visitors I mean to say that I didn't see anyone else around him.

That was amusing, but I was thinking how it would be a shame if some child and their mother was walking by and heard some of the things he was saying. Luckily, that didn't happen. As I read my phone vibrated in my pocket. It was my friend calling me back. We talked for a while and by the time I noticed my prescription was about to be ready. I went back to the store and waited in line for a while. I guess it is such a busy place because of all the students around.

Right as I was getting on the train I got another call. It was from the area, but I didn't know who it was. I wasn't sure whether I should answer it or not, but by the time I would have made a decision I was already saying hello. It was the intern from the doctor's office. He was calling to tell me something about my butt condition. I couldn't quite make out the entire conversation, but what I got from it was that he had spoke to a proctologist and said something was benign and that waiting it out as I did was apparently the thing to do. He assured me that everything should be fine.

That brings me back close enough to the present. This seems like only the start to getting everything in check, but at least I'm on my way and making progress. It seems as though I'll have some more appointments, but hopefully things shouldn't be that bad. I do worry about the next time I'll have to get my medicine. I may have to get checked out again, if that's the case I hope things go smoothly and I don't get too much trouble from anyone.