AP: Thanksgiving Portions Endanger Many Diets

This article on how to avoid overeating demonstrates pretty well why people overeat. Besides, it's not exactly loaded with the spirit of holiday generosity.

If you're hoping to keep this Thanksgiving from turning into another gut-busting affair, that's what your plate should look like: a serving of turkey no larger than a deck of playing cards and half a cup each of two starches.

If someone served me a piece of Thanksgiving turkey no larger than a deck of playing cards, the first thing I'd do is stand around waiting for the next piece. The second thing I'd do is ask them what the fuck was wrong with them.

The starches are even more trouble:

Want mashed potatoes, stuffing and a roll? Can you fit it all in a cup? Don't forget, the pie crust and crackers...count in this category, too.

This is all assuming you haven't completely given up on all forms of carbohydrate anyway. Which you should have by now, obviously.

From dieting to prisons to pharmaceuticals, the most successful American industries seem to be the ones which make worse the very problems they're supposed to solve. Which actually makes a lot of sense, but it's still very weird. Would people buy phones if all they did were make the mail slower?

Reuters: US sez Fallujah had enough arms to "rule Iraq"

Oh snap!

"We found enough weapons in Falluja for the insurgency to take over the whole country," Lieutenant Colonel Dan Wilson told a news conference at a U.S. base near the western city. [emphasis mine --snj]

Wow, I guess that justifies the timing and execution of the Fallujah mission, which was otherwise a complete political failure. Awesome! The accompanying picture shows some of the arms with which the resistance was plotting to expel the Americans. Apparently guns are the evil-doers' weapon of choice. How to triumph against such a novel foe?

I have one question. How is it that America, with the largest, most expensive, and most advanced military in world history, doesn't have enough weapons to take over Iraq--and a single impoverished city of 300,000 people does?

Truly Satan, the enemy of mankind, is powerful!

Sorry guys. You don't even have Nader to kick around anymore--although if you're really old-school, check out ReverseVoteSwap.org for some handy "Blame Nader" excuses.

There is going to be a fight inside the Democratic Party over its future, and the Right is going to win. The elevation of Harry Reid to Senate Minority Leader is a sign of things to come. Abortion rights will likely be completely struck from the national platform. GOP-Lite is going to become GOP-Like.

The Democratic Left, which has time and again proven its utter servility and willingness to accept anything, will offer no effective counterforce in terms of policy--their sole role will be to continue to lead progressives into the Party.

Hopefully we will stop following them.

AP: Paris Hilton to Open Club Paris in Vegas

Have you ever felt that America has not erected enough monuments to bad taste? Especially in Las Vegas? Well, Paris Hilton has--probably not for the first time--answered your prayers!

Hilton is opening Club Paris and designing her own personal suite at the Aladdin hotel-casino on the Las Vegas Strip.

Ah, a touch of crass Americanism in an atmosphere of crass Orientalism in an atmosphere of crass Americanism. How meta.

The project is being bankrolled by Planet Hollywood moneybags Robert Earl, who must have far more cash than sense. Though I suspect this would be true even if he were a poor man.

"Las Vegas is hot, Planet Hollywood is hot and I wanted to be part of the newest, hottest resort in Las Vegas," Hilton, 23, said Saturday night at the Aladdin when the project was announced.

"I will see everyone back here on New Year's Eve when I officially open Club Paris in Las Vegas and Orlando on the same night! That's hot!" exclaimed Hilton....

If I had to describe Club Hilton in two words or less, they would be: message discipline.

The Aladdin intends to rent out her suite when Hilton is not using it.

Word to the wise: I wouldn't set foot in that room before I watched them change those motherfucking sheets. And I'd demand to use the staff toilet.

AP: Bush Heads to PA; Kerry Hunts Geese

And I quote:

Kerry adviser Mike McCurry says Kerry's Ohio goose hunt is aimed at giving voters "a better sense of John Kerry, the guy," and maybe win over swing voters who aren't sure they feel any connection to the Democrat. [This quote is from an earlier, funnier draft of the article. --snj]

I smell an 11th-hour ad blitz!

Ever since I was born in a Colorado Army Hospital, I've been a guy. From shooting teens on the battleground to shooting geese in battleground states, I've always been drawn to guy-related program activities.

My opponent says that "W stands for Women." I accept his lifestyle choices, but I've always been straight with the American people about being a guy. I think I'd want a guy in the White House, so when Osama comes around, you can give him one of these! [spins, shoots into air, goose falls to ground]

I'm John Kerry, and I approve this message.

Reuters: US Raids Kill Family of Six in Fallujah

Is this what Big Ketchup is talking about when he promises to get tough on Fallujah? Maybe he would kill a family of eight instead (what an optimist!).

The US military denies that they killed the family. An official statement snorts:

Intelligence sources indicate a known Zarqawi propagandist is passing false reports to the media.

This is in spite of the fact that the killing was viewed by a Reuters employee; the bodies videotaped by Reuters television; and the goddamn photographic proof accompanies the article. Apparently the evildoers will spare no means to undermine our faith in the truthfulness of the American defense establishment.

Truly Satan, the enemy of mankind, is powerful!

AP: Kerry Hearts O'Reilly

John Kerry is a fucking moron.

"I like Bill O'Reilly," the Democratic presidential candidate told TV Guide. "I think he does a terrific job. I think he's got a very good show."

The emphasis was added to increase the humiliation of ABB liberals.

What's more, Kerry said he'd "love to" appear on O'Reilly's show. Hmm, looks like Big Ketchup's letting his lips flap without first checking in with his evil viziers; O'Reilly claims he's been trying to book Kerry for two months, but the campaign's been dodging it. No shit they have. The only way to perform well on O'Reilly is to be hard as nails and make him so enraged that he throws you off the air. Kerry would just flash his shit-eating grin while O'Reilly pounded him with muck.

As if that weren't bad enough, Kerry also took out of play one of liberals' favorite (and most legitimate) punching bags: good old Fox News itself!

Kerry told TV Guide that Fox News Channel has been fair to him.

So there you go, ABB America--next time you're complaining about Fox, enjoy the feeling of some conservative ding-dong throwing John F. Kerry's words right back in your face. Although surely you must be used to it by now?

Katrina sez: We wuz tricked!

Fox has apparently been ordering a bunch of ads in the Nation...which the Nation has been dutifully carrying. That must have had them hooting over in Fair-and-Balanced Land. About 50 readers cancelled their Nation subscriptions in protest--meaning the magazine is likely losing money on the deal--so we can't even blame crass commercialism for this, which would at least have a sound basis in bourgeois society. Nope, this is pure liberal idiocy, another myopic defense of "free speech." (Did you know that Free Speech demands that privately-owned progressive magazines run ads from right-wing media conglomorates? It's true!)

Anyway, now the Nation thinks they've one-upped Fox because Fox refused to run their "counter-ad" during the RNC. No shit they refused. What does that prove? That they're a cynical group of GOP hacks? Well, we already knew that; that's why people cancelled their subscriptions when the Nation ran their shitty ads paid with blood-money.

In my view this is the greatest thing Fox has ever done, and they deserve our praise! By causing progressives to stop reading the Nation, they have surely strengthened the US Left.

The time has come to show those motherf*ckers you're serious!

The AP is running a bizarre article about the intricacy with which the Democrats and Republicans have planned out the upcoming presidential debates.

When the first of the three debates starts Thursday, the candidates will wait for a cue from the moderator and then "proceed to center stage, shake hands and proceed directly to their positions behind their podiums."

Those lecterns must be set 10 feet apart and equally canted toward center stage, measuring 50 inches tall from the audience's view and 48 inches tall to the writing surface on the candidates' side. No risers, chairs or stools permitted.

Republicans are hoping the wide distance will obscure the fact that Kerry is taller (and therefore more statesmanlike); Democrats are hoping the kibosh on risers will emphasize the fact that Bush is shorter (and therefore a weak leader); I'm hoping that I pick words for the Debate Drinking Game that will lead to my prompt inebriation.

For your convenience, here's a sample of some additional debate regulations:

• If Kerry uses a word that Bush does not know, Bush is entitled to declare a commercial break within 30 seconds and deliver two punches to Kerry's upper arm during the break. Punches may be hard but not super-hard. Rings absolutely prohibited.
• Kerry is entitled to declare any policy to be "fundamentally different" from Bush's, regardless of their similarity or, in fact, identity.
• If Bush attempts to portray Kerry as anti-SUV, Kerry is entitled to show footage of his phatty Suburban, including the gold rims and Playstation 2 up in the ride.
• Kerry may dispute, at maximum, ten percent of Bush's lies.
• Should Ralph Nader appear in the facility, either candidate is entitled to immediately declare a bogus fire alarm.

Remeber folks--this is the most important election in the history of elections that Xtina Aguilera has been personally involved in.

Laurence H. Tribe has an amusing letter in the New York Times today. He has recently disgraced himself by representing the Florida Democratic Party before the state Supreme Court in their disgusting attempt to keep Nader off the ballot. Here is how he explains his case:

The court never even addressed our central argument that the teleconference that nominated Mr. Nader was no "national convention," having neither the openness nor the democratic character Florida required.

My god, if Florida really required an open and democratic nominating convention, it's the Republicans and Democrats that would be getting kicked off the ballot, not Nader! Did Professor Tribe bother watching the Democratic National Convention? It was just down the street from his employer, after all. It's not even necessary to discuss the RNC. The Florida Supreme Court did Tribe a favor by neglecting to address his pathetic argument; perhaps they were trying to spare him an embarrassment.

By the way, Tribe goes out of his way to remind us that he assisted the Democrats pro bono. I am reminded of my favorite article by Lenin:

It is not important who directly advocates a particular policy, since under the present noble system of capitalism, any money-bag can always "hire," buy or enlist any number of lawyers, writers and even parliamentary deputies, professors, parsons and the like to defend any views.... There are also simpletons who out of stupidity or force of habit defend views prevalent in certain bourgeois circles.

I guess the good Professor is in the latter category.

In conclusion, I request and demand that my contacts among the Harvard Law School proletarians blow a snot in Tribe's coffee.

The Washington Post reports that Bush and Kerry have "tentatively" settled on a debate schedule. The Bushies were initially trying to get out of the "town-hall" style debate, a move I fully supported. The debates have been largely worthless ever since the major parties took them over in 1988, and the town-halls are the worst. I think the networks air them just to make their regular programming look unpredictable.

In any event, GOP must have decided that Dubya had enough old fratty jokes at hand to stumble his way through a third debate, because they agreed to it. Now both campaigns are engaged in a hilarious ritual known as the expectations game. The idea is to outlandishly exaggerate the skill of your opponent--so if you win, then you've won a great victory; and if you lose, well, no shame in losing to the very best.

Maybe this was a fine strategy hitherto, but it's absolutely unreal in this year's contest between Senator Prolix and Bush the Unread. Here's Big Ketchup's line:

Kerry strategist Joe Lockhart told reporters during a conference call Friday that he would "challenge anyone to name a major debate that George Bush has been in where he hasn't been considered the winner."

What on earth is he talking about? According to the polls, Gore won at least the first 2000 debate. Besides, how could Bush have won every debate and still lost the election?

But hand it to the serial fabulists in the White House for topping even that:

Matthew Dowd, the Bush-Cheney campaign's chief strategist, said in an interview earlier this month that Kerry "is very formidable, and probably the best debater ever to run for president." "I'm not joking," Dowd added. "I think he's better than Cicero." [emphasis mine --snj]

I knew Cicero. Cicero was a friend of mine. And you, Senator, are better than Cicero!

Los Angeles Times: Big Ketchup Slippin' with the Ladies

Kerry holds only a four-point lead over Bush among women...down from the eleven-point lead enjoyed by Gore in 2000. Oops! All the liberal feminist leaders are freaking out and have decided that Kerry hasn't paid enough attention to women's issues. Actually, Kerry has:

1. built his own rally to avoid attending the million-strong March for Women's Lives;
2. promised "no litmus test" on abortion rights for judicial appointments;
3. stressed that he is "personally" [?] opposed to abortion and believes life begins at conception;
4. demonstrated time and again that his female campaign manager is a powerless token.

I daresay Mses. the liberals ought to encourage Kerry to pay less attention to women's issues.

Readers may remember that single women were considered the hot demographic this year; the Democratic witch-doctors nicknamed them the "Sex and the City vote." Apparently the only thing they're going to do, concretely, to reach out to them is demonstrate that they're hip enough to know about Sex and the City. Now that's Big Tent politics!

So, how could Bush have gained so much among women since 2000? Maybe it has something to do with the fact that the same "leaders" who are screaming about Bush now were cheering him on as a "liberator" when he bombed Afghanistan. These liberals perpetuated the most crude myths about women and Islam (the white lady's burden, you might say) in order to get on the "right side" during the post-9/11 war fever. Perhaps they thought that when election day rolled around, that would all be forgotten--after all, as we were informed at the March for Women's Lives, "when women vote, Democrats win."

But don't fret; hope is on the way! Quoting the article:

On Friday, during a meeting at Kerry's Washington headquarters, top aides pledged to beef up their outreach to women, participants said.

So look for Big Ketchup to appear in sweater and duck boots at a coffee klatch near you!

In a recent Nation column entitled "Bush's Useful Idiot", Eric Alterman writes:

As Americans die by the thousand in Iraq, the budget deficit explodes thanks to a tax cut targeting the wealthiest 1 percent of Americans, the Justice Department demands women's private medical records from abortion clinics, and polluters are given carte blanche to despoil the earth and poison our children, the devastating evidence of Nader's myopia is everywhere around us.

If evidence of Nader's myopia is so omnipresent, Alterman should provide it. After all, what does he list? A war supported by Democrats; tax cuts supported by Democrats; police actions in support of a law supported by Democrats; and drilling and timber policies supported by Democrats. But Nader, you see, is not a Democrat.

Alterman makes out Nader's backers and funders to be "far-right Republicans" and "nativists." Hmm. Here's a list of the first five surnames that come up when you ask who's contributed to Nader:

• Abbas
• Abboud
• Abdoo
• Abdullah
• Abi-Hashem

A real box of crackers, as you can see. I personally made a humble $250 contribution to Ralph's Revolt, which I suppose makes me a "nativist" too. This is an unusual turn for the son of immigrats. Truly Satan, the enemy of mankind, is powerful!

Alterman writes that Nader has "has no support among organized feminist groups, organized gay rights groups or mainstream environmental groups," nor among the union leadership. This is surely a joke, like attacking Teamsters for a Democratic Union for not having the backing of the Cosa Nostra. Every politically-conscious person knows that the liberal lobbyists and the union officialdom are part-and-parcel of the Democratic machine, slavishly committed to the Party in spite of whatever betrayals of the membership that might (and does) involve. If this gang won't endorse the only significant pro-feminist, pro-gay, pro-environment, and pro-labor candidate running, that says more about them than it does about Nader.

I was particularly amused by Alterman's outrage at Nader using a GOP-connected lawyer for his legal fight in Florida. If Alterman is so upset, why doesn't he find a Democratic lawyer who's willing to help? I'm sure Nader wouldn't mind. In fact, why doesn't the Nation organize a campaign to find attorneys with impeccable Democratic credentials to assist Nader on a principled basis, pro bono? Their magazine is so respectable and orthodox that their readership surely contains many well-heeled lawyers.

Alterman and ilk need to get serious about what the two-party system is doing to politics in this country. Forget for a second about the polls; why are Bush's approval ratings going up? Say what you will about us Naderites, but we clearly don't approve of Bush. John Kerry's "me too" campaign is legitimating all the Bush policies and making Bush look like the innovative and decisive leader. The "Anybody But Bush" argument makes the Left complicit in this disorienting of our own political audience and degrades our moral standing.

But enough of all this--I don't hold much hope for Mr. Alterman. He obviously prefers the comforts of conventional thinking to the challenge of building an independent US Left. No one will call him a "useful idiot"; or at least, no one will call him useful.

NYT: Iraq Study Finds Desire for Arms, but Not Capacity

Siddhartha Gautama taught that the source of all suffering is desire, and the Bush administration has made quite an example of the principle. Very good; let's add the Buddha to the Coalition of the Willing.

If the Republicans had discovered this mode of reasoning 25 years ago, maybe they could have impeached Carter for having "lust in his heart."