i can't count the ways. i'm too tired. even if i had the energy there would be too mcuh to count.

i FEEL unloved, uncared about, unwanted, unattractive, undesirable...generally un-everything. maybe it will pass. maybe it won't. i want to be held, but that is not an option. if for no other reason then my body gives off an unusual amount of heat so anyone who holds me can't/won't do it for long. i want d. i know he can't help me, but i miss him horribly. to look in his eyes and know i am so loved he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me...just as i was...forever. no use in beating a dead horse. i left him and now he's happily remarried, but he would hold me. he would comfort and reasure me.

he's not here, so i am alone. always alone until i want to die. then everyone comes to my unwanted aid. only to be left alone again to fight a battle that only i can do. a battle i don't want to fight. i'm sooooooooo tired. i'm tired of being made to fight for something i don't want. to fight a battle i don't even think i'll win and honestly don't care to.

alas, here i am again. with another promise to not cause myself harm so someone else can sleep at night and feel like they've done some good when truely they only hurt me more.

it's not fair. my life. never has been and never will be. always my life until i don't want it. then it belongs to everyone else. not fair. just not fair. just not fair.

a very very VERY tired blue. a very sad and crying blue. a too tired to fight today or even care blue.

or maybe, just blue

nut house 1st: my mom call 911 on my last night. i wasn't fighting, or even cutting. dave got home and i gave him the knife. all i did was yell. i called a used to be friend last night to try and reach out to see how he was doing. known him for 15yrs. towards the end of the conversation he told me he had also called the police that night. at first i just tried to let it go. we had planned on going to see a movie on friday. i called him back and told him i was getting angier and angrier thinking about it so we'd best not go. i also told him not to call me, that it would be best if i had time to simmer down before we talked again. i went out for a smoke and listen to music. i guess it was the wrong mix because the next thing i know i'm yelling to his cell phone answering messenger how much i hate him and how could he do this to me haveing seen me go thur so much.

i have no idea how many times i called to leave messages. eventually i sent an email full of rage and hate. then dave got home and tried to give me my meds. i refused and him what happened.

my mom had told me if i really wanted to go thru with it she wouldn't stop me so i called her to make dave give me my pills. she wouldn't do it. so i called her serveral times screaming at her for being like everyone else and trapping me here. dave said if i called her one more time she'd call the police so i threw the phone at him and tried to go walking. apparently the last call had already been too many. i'd come back to smoke and try again to calm down and i was because i was so tired and it was way past time for meds. that's when i heard the sirens. i told myself they weren't for me so i sat there and as soon as ems pulled up to the house i took off. the fire department came and the police. the caught me.

i don't even know how long it took them to convince me to go to he hospital and that they were arresting me. i was terrified they were going to lock me up agian with the cazies because they wouldn't tell me i was going to come home.

dave went with me and i tried to bolt a few times, but he was stronger and so was the second ems guy who was standing guard.

they say i definatly need something changed with my meds. around 2am we were allowed to come home. i don't want to do anything today. i'm exshausted. poor dave still had to go to work. in anycase i'm not in the nut house and i'm down one friend and my last parent.

on the flip side. yesterday was great. i cleaned house. i made my tools for coping poster. i called mhmr for an apt to get someone to watch over my meds. apparently the last time i saw them that should have been done and it wasn't so i have to go back this morning. i called finally to get set up with some kind of support group...they are going to call me back. i talked to lots of friends yesterday...just trying to reach out and remind myself there is something called hope for me. dave took me out for driving lessons in his car. and i got one part time job for sure and a second i'm sure i'll have tonight after the group interview. i'll fill ya in on that later.

both places i've worked before and both of my old supervisers still work at each place so it was a sinch. they have an idea of what's going on so if it becomes too much of a strain at either place they will work with me. they are the only two places i can honestly say i loved working and many of the people i worked with or who worked for me are still there so that will make things easier and more fun.

i have high hopes for them. i should start both in a week or two.

granted today i feel like the past few weeks have been a waste now. getting up this morning i feel the same as i did the first day i came home...to here. no progress made, same anger of betrayal, and frustration and rage.

who knows, maybe today holds a surprise for me yet.

nostrals still above water...blue

i wrote this great grovelling journal a minute ago,and then realized i put it dave's journal, so here goes again.

i have a humongous favor to ask of ALL of you. dave's b-day is today. he never talks about it and from what i've been able to tell over the last few years, he never really does anything and neither does anyone else. i've only seen on card this year and that was from his parents.

you all know or have an idea of how rough this past month has been for him. he's been very strong and supportive of me and i really want to give something back. to do this i need EVERYONES help.

the favor is this: if you have his home address, please send him a belated b-day card. if you have his phone number please call him and wish him a happy b-day. his email address is posted on his site so even a hokey virtual card would be very much welcomed.

i've taken a lot this month. i've not really done a great job of giving him what he wants which is to keep fighting and to take care of myself. i'm working on that. in the meantime i feel like this is something i can do. gather everyone up and give him a really great week of late birhtday wishes. i've taken so much and it's time he gets something besides hang in theres.

i don't know how many read this JE but it will help get the word out if you send messages to all the people you know, especially the one's that know him. i don't really care if they don't know him...how great would that be if ALL his friends did something and then strangers on top of that!!!

if you are up to is i'm not even opposed to an actual gift. for you geeks out there who have a frye's near you, he's in love with the place. a gift cert. would most certainly put a huge much needed smile on his face. for the rest of you who want to send a gift you probrably know better then me what he'd enjoy. the attention and cards alone i'm sure will blow him away, but i want this to big done in a huge way and only you guys can help me with this.

so, i get down on my knees and i beg and kiss the feet of everyone so that you will do this for him. i know it won't be much of a surprise since he reads the JE, but if the response is what i'm hoping for then that will be the biggest surprise of all.

again i'm begging, i need EVERYONES help on this even people i don't know. get the word out. i want this for him. please help me do/give something good back to him. i love him very much and my heart aches for all the pain i've put him thru these past weeks. i NEED to help give something back, so please take this request and go wild with it. i know you guys care a great deal for him too, so help me give him the most memorable birhtday ever!

this has been a message from the blue emergency broadcasting system. THIS IS NOT A TEST...I REPEAT IT IS NOT A TEST...this is a true emergency.

thanks, a begging on her knees praying to any god that will listen that this works...blue

this isn't the first time i've gone thru times like this. it's the 3rd or 4th. the doctors and drugs have never helped because i never stick to them.

i've done horrible unthinkable things to the people around me, dave, and his friends. i woke up this morning with nothing, but shame. dave will forgive me. i don't forgive myself. all i can think about is all the pain and trouble i've put him thru. more like trauma, i guess. i don't want to cut. i didn't want to, but i did. my mother is not around to beat me anymore. dave won't even give me a slap on the wrist. he'll just say he loves me and he's really concerned.

so, this morning i cut. i cut for each thing i've done to hurt people. this time i cut because i deserve it. this time i was afraid. this time i cut to hurt and o' lord does it hurt. it's the only befitting punishment i could think of. i cut till my hands shook so badly i couldn't hold the knife anymore.

i know some/most/all will say this is not the way to go, but you have to understand what i've done to them. no one should get away with that without some kind of repercution.

saying i'm sorry is a joke. saying i'll promise to be good is a joke. i've tried. it's either not good enough or i'm not trying enough. for that i deserve the pain of my wounds.

that said i retreat to my room.

that is a thought i'v been having for years...since i was a kid actually. truth is, i've always wanted attention, but from my mom. my brother was ALWAYS in trouble for something so most of her time was spent with him or at work. i got attention when i got in trouble and that was never...so much for being a good kid.

i can't say what i'm doing now is for attention...usually the only reason i say i've done anything is because i'm afraid that if he finds out later i'll really be in trouble...a childhood issue. besides, i can't even pass thru the room with him in it without him asking how i am or him telling me he loves me or getting a gigantuous hug. so, attention is certainly not lacking in this house. usually i want to be alone and that's why i spend so much time outside...to get away from everyone. i feel like any attention i get now is pity and i refuse that. sometimes i even wish people didn't read my journal entries, but truth is i know i need it. i know i need to have people out there who care and who can let me know by commenting. i would much rather dave get the attention and support, but i know he'd only try to redirect it to me.

in any case, i made it thru the day. all the trees are trimmed and cut up and we can actually see the sidewalk now. like i said...all my time is usually spent outside. i'm not glad dave is sick, but it's made me feel somewhat needed. really all i do is kick him off the computer and make him go lay down and make sure his water glass is never empty. yesterday i did all the laundry...yes even his stinky boxers:) it was nice to feel needed even though i knew he could and would do it himself. i like paying attention to others and right now it's frustrating because i have to focus on me and it's driving me nutsoid!

i better sign off...din din is ready.

blue

i don't know what happened to me to make me crack. i used to be so strong. today is hitting me so hard. it's a gorgeous day out and every thought in my head is the opposite. i keep telling myself this isn't happening to me. this didn't happen. i'm just visiting and i'm going home soon. then i KNOW that this is real. this is my life. these things and thoughts are real.

today all i see is red. actually all i'm thinking about is red. the color of my blood. if you are reading this then you already know what happened the other night. today is a gazillion times worst. dub. had to go to the doc. today and i went with him. i'm trying to use my 'coping' skills. :( i'm not upset with him or anything. i just feel bad for him. i woke up this morning and the first thought into my mind was to go and get a knife and start the cutting. this time i really do want to paint the house in blood. my blood. keep in mind this is NOT a past tense thought. it's been there since 9am. i want to bleed so badly i can taste it. feel the blood running down my arms. all of it. just to let it be everywhere and then lay down and let it bath me so i'm soaked to the bone. the horrible part (as if that's not bad enough) is i'm not afraid. not nervous. just wanting it sooooooooo badly i've had to spend the whole day so far outside to stay away from them.

dub.s b-day is on sat. he shouldn't have to deal with me. he shouldn't have to wonder if i'm 'feeling' oke. that makes me even more upset. i don't want this for my life. i don't want these for my thoughts, but this is what i have and i hate it. in a sick way i also want it. i want to hurt, i want the pain, i want the rage. i just want it all to finally come up and get out of me. in the mean time i've got to figure out how to do it without killing myself or seriously injuring myself. there is so much of it i can't believe that it's possible.

the rest of my thoughts are focused on a certain someone dub's been IMing with. he finally met her. today i've been waiting to her to IM him and for me to be there instead. the things i want to say to her and tell her what i think of her or beyond horrible. i don't want to be here and yet i am. i don't want to share him with anyone and yet i don't want much of his attention. everything in me is at conflict with each other. it makes me feel insane. is this what drives people insane? if so, then i'm not too far from being totally gone. i'm mad. i'm completly and utterly going mad.

dub. keeps telling me he's holding on to me because he knows this is not me. that the true blue wants to live and loves life. if that's true then where the hell is she. who am i and where the fuck did i come from? how do i get back there? how do i get back home? maybe this is home. my new home. my new home where there is no blue. a home where blue did die that monday night almost 4 weeks ago. that's what it feels like. blue is dead and i'm the shell of crap that's been left behind to learn how to fend for myself. the ugliness that blue would never let others see, because she knew what i could do. what i would do.

yes, insanity. that's what this all is. a waking nighmare of going slowy and painfully insane. a nightmare. my new life. my new home. insanity with all the gools and goblins from my life eating me alive. forever. forever.

daev didn't change anything from what i did last night. i barely rmember doing it. i saw it and now i'm REALLY REALLY REALLY scared. i just called the hospital i was in before. my social worker is going to call me back. if i don't go back there then i guess i'm going into the hospital here.

i never even think about calling for help when things go bad. it honestly doesn't even enter my mind. i'm ususally so full of rage all i see is red. i need help and i hope to god someone can and will. for me to be scared is a really big deal since i've not feared anything since getting out of the hospital. if i don't post for a while, i'll ask dave to keep you posted. wish me luck...

very disturbed blue

i just covered his bathroom and beloved computer in blood. not too many cuts were needed. it hurt because i just reopned wounds, but it was totally worth it.

blue :-)

i hate him, i hate him i HATE HIM!

OF ALL THE NIGHTS MY MEDS. KEEP ME KNOCKED OUT TILL MORNING, TONIGHT HAD TO BE THE ONE NIGHT THEY DIDN'T. 2:27AM ALL I HEAR IS LOUDER MUSIC AND PEOPLE LALUGHING. LAUGHING!!!! I STUCK IN THIS SHIT HOLE OF A LIFE AND I HAVE TO HEAR THAT CRAP AFTER TODAY!

I HATE HIM AND I HATE ALL LIFE THAT GOES WITH IT!!!!!!!

FUCK OFF!!!!!!!!!!!

i'm sooooooooo angry, frustrated, and just plain put out right now!

i wasn't going to journal because i didn't want to. i want to run away, but the only place to run to right now is my mom's and i KNOW that is a horrible idea.

life is sucking soooooo badly right now. i wish dave had never called the police. then all of this bullshit wouldn't be happening to me right now. i was the 'doc' today. what a fucking joy that was. not only is he a resident, but he didn't even have an office. we were stuck in some closet/storage looking room. oh, did i mention he was 30min. late to my appt.! i hate this. giving the same damn information to every fucking person i have to see. why can't they just fax the info. and stop wasting my time!

i hate my meds. last night i tried with every ounce of me to convince dave and tl that they should give me ALL of my meds. it took about an hour. obviously i lost. even if i tried i couldn't take both of them down.

i did find a new hobby a few days ago. some of you might have heard of cutting? i'd never done it before, only heard about it. while they were at lunch i was supposed to be taking a nap and i couldn't stop wondering what it would be like. next thing i know i'm standing in the kitchen with a bloody arm and a knife in my hand. that was an 'accident'. yesterday wasn't. both of my arms are looking pretty sad right now. they don't hurt, but it is an ugly sight. one arm i did while they were at lunch with jondiii. the other while the 3 of them were in the livingroom chatting. part of me wants to do it again, but i won't. at least not for now.

everyday is a constant fight with myself to take my meds, 'behave', and stay alive. i don't want to live. if i did i wouln't have tried to kill myself 3 weeks ago! dave keeps saying me meds aren't working. i say fine, then don't make me take them. that doesn't work either. the 'doc' today said i have to make it another week at least before they even think about changing them! a whole nother fucking week!!! these assholes don't know how hard it is for me to make it for the next 5 minutes! what the hell am i gonna do with myself? or to myself. i've been strong a long time and now it seems all my stregth to fight for life is gone. any little bit of giving a shit has left the building.

tonight was another great fight with good ole dubious. he was chatting with this chick on line he wants to meet and when he was describing who he'd be with, tl was called a guy and i was called a black girl. i saw that and all hell broke loose. how dare he describe me in that way! he didn't say tl was a white guy and i couldn't have just been a girl, i had to be a black girl.

my whole life has been a constant fight to just be. black people typically don't like me because i'm too white and white poeple keep their distance because i'm black. my own family actually dubbed me the white sheep in the family when i was a kid. i grew up with a constant on slaught from my mother because she thought i wanted to be white soooo much that some how i magically forgot i was black.

WTF!!! i look at the same damn dark skin face every fucking morning, noon, and night! i get followed in stores. i live with it all the time because i'm so different. she raised me in all white neighborhoods, send me to all white school, and all white churches. what the hell did she think i was going to turn out like!? every fucking day for 30 years i fear that some fucktard is going to decide to have a little "fun" with this black bitch. or any number of other things that happen, liked being called a nigger in the upper class part of austin...of AUSTIN FOR PEETS SAKE! then i read that bullshit. i know he didn't know. he didn't have a clue. why should or would he. well, let me tell ya he knows now. and i'm pretty damed sure he won't forget it.

they are at the movies not with this girl and she's probrably wondering what happened to the little black girl! aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggg!

i hate this life! HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE IT!!!!!

so now am i not only one of the reasons he doesn't go out as much, the little black girl, but i'm also making his life miserable. he's a liar. i don't think he can take this. one week has pretty much kicked his ass, and i'm supposed to live here for god knows how long.

i am sooooo fucking close to leaving here and leaving a note for him telling him he doesn't have to worry about this little black bitch anymore because i went ahead and took his advice and jumped off the cliff at mount bennell. it's at least a 50ft drop to a sure death. i was sooo angry with him last night for not giving me all my pills i told him i wouln't take my 9pm meds. if i don't take them i don't go to sleep, but he will. since i've found my tolerance for pain is pretty high from the cutting i told him, i'd cut all night and he's wake to a house covered in blood and i'd still win, cause i'd be dead anyways.

what the hell has happened to me?! why am i like this...no i know. it runs in the family. i wanted out when i did because my life was so good at that point. EVERYONE, EVERYONE on my mothers side has a serious mental illness and none of them lead anything close to what i consider a life. i wanted out before i cracked too. thanks to this monkey i'm still here and falling apart all over the place. the odds are i won't make it. everyone keeps telling me there is a chance, but some beleive that there is a chance pigs will fly too.

i can't do this anymore...i can't, i can't, i can't. i don't want to. i'm soooo damned tired. sooooooooooo tired. i'm tired of fighting to not kill myself, to take my meds, to not harm myself, to control my mood swings, to not fight with dave, to everything. i'm just tired of living. i'm tired of breathing,. i'm tired of hoping. i'm just tired and i want to be done with it. just be done. no more tears, no more pain, no more ugliness. just nothing. sweet blissful nothing.

don't anyone get you undies in a bunch. tonight i'll take my meds, probrably a little early so i can get knocked out early and end the pathetic excuse for a day. i'll be around. for a little while longer at least.

bad sad blue

i don't really feel like journaling, but i really dont feel like doing anything, so this'll do for now.

i had a thought in the shower a little bit ago. i've been here, at dave's for a week now. no one has called me or emailed me. i alwasys thought i had a lot of friends. now i know i don't.

their lives have clearly gone on, which is what i'd expected. the only differece is they made such a stink about me killing myself and now that i'm still here i'm left alone. if that was going to be the case then why the hell bother?!

i've gotten more comments and support from strangers on the net then i have from people i've known over 15years. i suppose they could say they don't know where i live or have my new phone number, but i know that is bs. i check my email almost everyday to see if anyone has thought about asking how i'm doing. i'm not checking it anymore.

cry for help or not (it was NOT) i thought people would be there. i mean if you put sooo much effort into not letting me kill myself doesn't it make sense that there would be some kimd of effort to help me stay living and get better?

fuck it. that's what i say. everyday i'm here i hate even more then the day before. i shouldn't be here. i don't want to be. i behave myself because i don't want to fight with dave anymore, especially not with tl here.

right now all i do is yard work becuase it's hard and tiring and takes my mind off of trying to break into dave's car. it also means i sleep hard and long. the less time i'm concious the better.

all i have to say is this REALLY FUCKING SUCKS! i can stay here and behave, go to jail for trying to kill myself, or go to the state hospital. i don't like any of the options, but that's what i got. so here i am. wishing i weren't and hoping that tomarrow i won't wake up or some freak of nature will happen to finish me off.

no luck yet. maybe tomarrow.

blue is really blue

so here i am a little more then 24hrs after moving all my "shit" in. it's been quite a crazy day...emotionally. dave has been a god send. i know focusing on the past doesn't do too much good unless i'm learning something from it, but today has just been one of those days.

everything seems to be happening so fast. nothing seems real. actually two things do. that i am loved and that i'm home.

reading dave's journal about what i had planned out seems crazy to me right now. i can't imagine that it was really that bad, but i know it was. knowing i'll be on meds. for the rest of my life doesn't seem so bad anymore. dave makes it sound so easy. almost everyone takes meds. for something or other. i will learn to live with this. i can honestly say this has been the happiest day of my life.

most people don't get a second chance. a chance to truely start over. i am one of the lucky. i'm even luckier because i've got so many people out there whom i don't even really know that actually give a damn about what happens to me.

i am going to spend the next couple of weeks just to chill out and get used to this "second life". i want to go to work so badly and be able to pay for what dave has given me, but i know deep down that no amount of money can do that. i think for him, just living and taking care of myself (taking my meds.) is all he wants.

today we started to plan out how to turn his office room into a bedroom for me. that was fun and weird at the same time. i feel safe here and at home. most of all i know i'm wanted and loved very much. feeling that today has made accepting his help sooooooooooo much easier. i don't know how long i'll be here, but i know i won't be going anywhere until we are BOTH sure i'm ready and able to go.

thanks again for all your words of encouragement. it means a lot to me AND it helps:)

thanks a bunch guys! till next time....

blue

i'm back. i'm still not to keen on the idea of being here, but i am. thank you for all the words of support for myself as well as dave. i worry he's taken on something too big for him, but he won't let up. so here i am.

i'm on meds and supposed to see doctors, ect. right now one day at a time is more then i can stand. i'm just going with the moment. i've made many promises not to hurt myself in anyway. i won't, but i sure as hell want to. i don't want to be here. i don't want to be in dave's home. i don't want to be dependant on anyone, but right now i have to be. i can't live alone because i don't trust myself.

the doc. says take a few weeks to get used to being home and out of the hospital. then i can find a fun part-time job that is low stress. dave has mentioned me going back to school. it sounds interesting, but i don't even know what i'm gonna do in the morning let alone next semester.

in any case, thanks for your concern. i'll be around.

blue

and so it comes to this. my dogs are gone. dead. both of them. i let them go. i drove them to the place that put them down.

i made it thru the day. i'm not sure how. going home to a completly empty house was absolutely horrid. i finished a book i was reading and then took every book i owned and sold them. i have a few left...the ones bailey ate.

i thought i was past this. i'd made the decision to live, but i didn't realize what for until now. i've never felt so completly and utterly hollow in my life. pain, i've felt a hundred times over. lonliness too. hate, animosity, you name it i've felt it. but to feel nothing. nothing at all. this is new.

i've been spending all my time wondering what i would do with myself when i came home. when i switched jobs. when... when is now. now i don't care. i couldn't leave before. what would happen to my dogs? a small and maybe unimportant question if one truely does want to die, but it was mine. so here i am and they are not. i'm not needed anywhere by anyone anymore.

want is not the question. i'm not so full of it to believe that i will not be missed. i know i'm loved. i also know that the sun will rise in the morning just as surely as i will not. there is nothing here i want. nothing. i've never been a big fan of doing things just because others thought it best. i have to decide for myself. for myself i decide there is nothing here i want.

as i sit here thinking about life, i'm searching my mind for anything that would keep me here. *sigh* i find nothing.

to those who have been so kind to lend me your ear, i thank you. i wish you the best in life. i hope you are happy and fulfilled unlike i've been able to do in my 30 years.

thanks again

Blue

i really don't know yet. i'm just here. i read my last journal entry and the comments and was touched in a way i wasn't the first time i read them. i've not been on slashdot for awhile. about as long as it's been since my last entry.

i don't suppose i have a reason for not typing. i guess i got tired of whining and wanted to really just figure things out for myself. i don't think i've done to shabby of a job :) i look forward to trying to catch up on what everyone is up to. i hear bits and pieces from dubious, but that's about all.

hope all is going well with everyone...till next time.

blue