so much has happend since my last entry. i still journal elmost everyday, it's just in old fashion form (handwritten).

i stopped typing when i went on leave from work. i wasn't happy about it, but it was the best thing for me. thank goodness i have people who love me and have my best intrest in mind, even if i don't believe they are completly confused.

i was gone for a month, most of which was spent on my couch feeling sorry for myself and hating life. it was my time. time to face demons i'd tried to ignore my whole life. my desire to die had become a constant and a planned event. no more playing around and toying with ideas. i'd had it and was done.

the night i'd planned it, i was trapped at a friends house. i'd been having panic attackes all day and they were only getting worst. i couldn't take it anymore. i knew what pills to buy, where to get them and how much to take. as soon as i lest there i would be on my way. by the time someone wondered where i was i'd have been gone a while. i was stuck when the only way out was thru a room that had four people in it. thank god i completly lost it and got so tired i just fell asleep. if i had made it out i wouldn't be here right now. the next morning i knew i had a discissoin to make. live or not. no more in between.

so here i am. having made this choice i vowed my life would change immediately. if i'm going to be here, then damn it i'm going to enjoy my time! no more doing what ohters want or what i think they want. no more being who i was because of how i grew up. i wanted to be who i wanted, not what circumstanses had created. i care about others feelings, but i will not always put ohters before me.

so, now i'm 30 and my life has done a complete 180. i was looking at my journals the other day and it occured to me that i've purchased ones that i completly adore and sometimes i pull them out just to look at them. for the first time i saw the change. i'd felt it, but i actually had a visual. i'd actally bought something that i loved and disregarded what others might think of it. since then i've gotten a few more. more and more i act insted of react. i'm independant, strong, and beautiful. i know that now.

i'm glad i am still here. it's exciting to see what is around each corner. getting to know myself.

so far, so good, and so lovin' it.

the holiday rush will be over in 3 weeks. yay! my body doesn't handle it and life stress as well as it used to.

i know a few have wondered if i was getting help for my bouts with depression. i wasn't but i am now. i've already been to one visit and i've got another tomarrow. i excited to finally be at this point in my life. i am also bracing myself. the things i'll have to discuss and remember are things i've worked really hard to ignore and bury. the doc put me on some meds to help with the lows. depression i can handle. suicide is not part of what i'm willing to take on again.

so, blue is not having a baby or buying a house. i didn't go to the funeral and my mom's 48th b-day is today and i'm not going to call or send a card. she called me a few days back at work. she says she's not doing well and she just wanted to hear my voice. she was surprised i hadn't called her to see how she was doing. all i said was "sorry". as in sorry she thought i'd call. that was all she wanted and then she hung up. my mom needs friends that care and can hold her accountable. instead she comes to me. she made it very clear that not only are we not friends, but we will never be friends. she is my mother and that is all there is to it. i don't think she realizes she is still putting me in a guardian role. trying to anyways.

in any case it's been a fairly good day. i slept in and am enjoying some awsome weather. i also discovered a passion i didn't know i had. writting. i realized today, i don't care if anyone else thinks i have talent. i love doing it. at my best i journal and at my worst i journal and in all the the in between times i journal. i always have it with me. it occured to me today, that creative writing has nothing to do with grammer, puctuation, or spelnlig. at least not for me. it's all about the fun of creating something wher there was nothing. righteous dude!

so from here on out all who choose to read my journal will be subjected to my creative musings. in true /. form feel free to give feedback. just remember, this fairee does not use bricks like our beloved dragon. she does, however, have hordes of magical books. whether casting a spell or cramming one up an intruders nose, the results are the same. they are unpleasant.

* beware*, this fairee in now officially in professional therapy and her moods may swing violently.

i was 17 when i wrote this. it's scary that i often still feel this way.

"i wonder"

i've often wondered why it is that when my mouth does open, there's no one who does notice.

why is is that when my words so few finally push their way past my lips, no one hears them.

why is it when i ask a question, no one wants to answer?

is it because my voice is so soft that now one can hear it?

is it that people are to busy asking or telling me to listen that is never occurs to them that maybe i need to be heard too?

or is it that they figure everyone has someone to listen to them and so it never occurs to them to listen?

i've often wondered why when people hear me they find it so hard to just sit and listen. they hear a couple of words from my mouth and they remember something they've just got to say. i don't mind that. i do it sometimes. it's when they have to interupt me and it's only another piece of gossip. don't get me wrong, i don't mind to listen. as a matter of fact it's what i do best. i guess i was born into it without a choice.

it's just when i talk it's so rare and even if one wasn't interested in what i had to say, i would be content if they just pretended.

maybe they jut don't hear me and think i just don't talk.

if this is true then i guess i am destined to be a silent one. i've tried to be heard, but have gotten no response.

i guess i'll keep wondering if anyone can hear me or do they just not care.

can you hear me? do you care? i guess it doesn't matter. if you did care you probrably can't hear me anyways.

i think therefore i am, right?...

so, if i cease to think, does that mean that i am no more?

this leads me to a new question. If i think and am and then cease to think and am not, does that mean i can not be again because i can not think, bececause i am not or is there a way for me to be again?

in that case to be i must always think. what then does it mean when one is asked "what are you thinking" and they respond "nothing". does that mean they are not?

are they then a figment of your imagination which would mean i am indeed thinking and so therefore i am? hmmm.

how do i know what is real?

it is true one could be part of my thinking and i could ask one "do you think" and they could respond "yes". how am i to know they really do think? if they do then yes one is, but what if i thought one said yes, but indeed it was just my thought. then they really don't think, therefore are not.

does thas mean i am becuase i am the only one who thinks or do i think because someone else thought that i think which then made me be?!

now, if someone thought that i think and i was, does that mean when they first thought me and didn't think that i thougth that i was not or was my not being because i ceased to think on my own?

then in all these cases the rule for thinking and being or thinking and not being be that while one thinks and is one must think that another thinks and there for is. one must tell the other to think that one thinks so when one ceases to think one will be again because another was thinking that one thought or one never ceases to think because another is always thinking that one is. whew!

the only true was for one to know that another is thinking and is, is if one is to think that another is thinking so that another can be.

now, how will we know which people are thinking from the ones who are not thinking and are not?

think

blue

i just want to puke right now.

i just got a call that my grandfather died on thursday. no one has been able to reach my mother and they just found my grandmothers and she gave them mine. i get to call my mom and tell her that her father is dead. this, after i'd decided to call and tell her i didn't want to go to houston for her brothers b-day. 2months ago he was given 3-12 months to live because of cancer. they just found it and it's too far gone to bother treating. i don't want to go to the funeral either. i don't want to be a member of my family, but i am and he's dead and i have to make the call.

so. here i am. i was just laying down to go to sleep and the phone rang. now i don't feel too much like sleeping. i don't know what i feel like. i'm just kinda here. maybe i'm in shock. my grandfather has always been around and he's always been and asshole. an asshole who loved me a lot. now he's not here. what am i gonna do when my family is all gone? i guess i'll just be here.

the mommy is back and she had a vote for me. what do you think?

a)adopt a child and give it to her.

b)find a surragote mother. using one of my eggs and sperm from a bank, make a child. then give it to her.

c)go to a sperm band and get myself inpregnated, have baby, then give to her.

d)do a uteral transplant(if there is such a thing). give mine to her and let her have her own babies. only, of course, because i'm not using it.

e)go out and find myself a nice stud. get pregnant. have baby, then give to her.

if anyone is wondering if this is for real, the answer is yes. my mother called me tongiht, while i was at work to ask this of me. each of those options was a proposal she made. i just listened. the less i do for her the more out rageous her requests become. buying a home, or car, letting her work under my social security number. all have been no's. still she asks. the requests only get bigger. so, now i share with you my most recent mutiple choice from the mommy.

funny. there is a hint of guilt triping going on here. she can't adopt becuase i helped get child protective servieces involved in her life. now they won't let her adopt. also, i'm known for not wanting children. personally i can't see myself raising a child in my family or this world. my brother is apparently getting worst with drinking himself into the ground. that leaves out grandkids for her. solution?

a,b,c,d, or e?

tonight is a great night to sleep at the top of a sequoia or a redwood tree. away from all my family and stress:^)

That last JE took an HOUR to put together! All you picky people out there better appriciate the extra work I put into that one!

(;

For a newbie, I sure do a great job of picking the hot topics around here. I'm sure the wave I've created is at least double what i've seen. To be honest, I think it's kinda cool (hee hee).

I do, however, want to make sure we are all clear on WHY I posted the JE.

1)I was having an 'I wonder' moment. I just happened to wonder out loud.

2)I don't understand the whole karma thing. How to get it. What do to with it once I get it (and I WILL get it(-; ) Why I will get it. What is a mod ect. ect. ect.

3)I was having a great time commenting in other JEs, but so many had 5's and 4's and even some 3's. Frankly I was a little put out. Seeing that constant 1 next to my comments was starting to irk me.

Now, I'm not usually one to complain, BUT I must say I do not like getting 1's in ANYTHING. Unless, 1 represents the best (^: I am a perfectionist (unless it's spelling or grammer OR punctuation...these things never made sense to me and still don't), I'm extremly opinionated (usually I keep this to myself), I'm inquisitive, I'm creative, I have the humor of an 8yr old boy, I'm independant (and damned proud of it), and I sure as hell do NOT like OR want hand-me-outs. Just in case anyone was wondering :^p

Now, back to the whole karma thing. I expect to earn excellent karma. Yes, I said EARN. I only cherish things i've worked for and earned. If I don't earn your respect then I don't want it. Like wise, if you don't earn mine, I won't give it. I am looking for friends. People I can share with, learn from, help, and BS with. Not everyone will like me. That is fair since I know I won't and don't like everyone.

If you like me, then stay and comment. If you like me and don't comment stay anyways. If you don't like me stay and comment or go somewhere else. I will warn those who choose to post rude, demeaning, or just plain mean spirited comments. I have NO tolerance for it. This is a free world and you can do and say what you want. Be prepared to have the wrath of the fairee fall on you. Those who know me in RL don't piss me off for a good reason. My own mother, whom I was terrifed of till just a few years back, won't even go there. I hope I have made myself clear. To my knowlege I've not met any trolls. If I do, stay out of my way!

For the rest of you, I say thank you from the bottom of my big fairee heart. I most certainly wasn't expecting such a welcome. At this point in my life it is just what the doctor ordered. Everyones suggestions and comments have been helpful and insightful. You all have given me a much better idea of what i've gotten myself into(^;

BTW, I'm all about the feedback! ALL about the feedback. Did I mention how much I REALLY want feedback? I have learned how to make paragraphes (you're welcom Sol...it was all for you baby). I'm still working out the rest of the HTML stuff. Heliocentric, this post is for you...the CAPS that is(^: Bethanie, I believe I read something about you being big on grammer, sp. ect. I could be wrong. Even if I am the open dictionary by my keyboard is for you(^;

I'm not an ass kisser and never will be, but I am considerate where I believe consideration is due.

So, all that being said, any questions?

Good. Who wants icecream? Dayton, I don't eat pie, but for you I will(^; It's gotta be chocolate! Anyone familiar with brownie obsession form TGIF? It's better then sex baby! Just picture the herbal essecne chick eating it or that seen in the restaraunt from When Harry met Sally.

Laters

a) type what you honestly think and feel. we aren't here for the bs

b)get karma, then share the drama in your life.

c)we don't deal well with psychosis

d)we are all a bit psychotic here...hee hee hee...blue said psycho...hee hee hee

e)multiple choice? this is a poll. em, we know this is you.

f)could you repeat the question?

g)go back to the blogosphere! we want tech. talk.

h)for the sake of all humanity, pleeeaaaase use caps!

z)*fill in the blank*

wow! what a day. thanks to everyone who sent advice my way. it was all very helpful. bethanie, you were right. there are a lot of great folks here.

unfortunatly this little fairy isn't feelin' too hot. it is time to hit the sack. night all.

how is a fairee supposed to get points around here!? the front pages are sometimes interesting, but i gotta say, posting a comment after 300 or so have already been posted is a tad bit intimadating. besides, the likely hood that someone might have already said what i will say by then seems inevitable.

hmm. maybe not. anyone else seen other fairees roaming around here?

this is a vent. this is only a vent from the land where bluefairee lives.

aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggg!!!!!!!!!!!

why are people such mother f*cking gd *sswipe d*ickweed infested insensitive idiotic morons!!!???

i have worked in retail management for 9 years. i've always enjoyed it. it was one of those things that fell into my lap and i actually liked it AND i was/am good at it. maybe i'm just getting tired of it or need something new. i don't know. maybe the new city i live in really if full of a chunky *ss load of macho pig f*cking jerkoffs. i have never run into more rude people in my entire life and my paitence for it is gone.

i grew up in a small place and everyone was nice (except my mother). i moved to a place at 15 where almost everyone was nice. 80-85%of the time i dealt with nice folks. very laid back like myself. here...no such luck. 80-85% of the population thinks it is their job to try and make me feel like a complete fuck up and that i am the reason that all things are wrong in their insignificant poor pathetic messed up worlds. as a result it is my duty to kiss their hairy asses, backs, and feet. apologize until i literally turn every shade of the rainbow and then give them everything for free. over my naturally big black ass, which will still be attached to my dead body, which has grown wings and is flying it's way to a frozen over hell who's mascots are now flying pigs, blue whales, and elephants.

why?

em, if one of your relpies today will answer my question, please pass it on.

what makes it even worst is that i'm such a holiday person. i love random acts of kindness and such. during the holidays i really have a blast because so many people just have such a bad time. i'm not even asking these people to be nice to me. just be desent and respectful. i really do love helping people. when they are ugly enough to bring out my temper(which takes a hell of a lot)then just want to gouge their eyes out and pour salt in the wounds.

yes, i had a "gentleman" tonight who insulted beyond that of human decency for a simple mistake i made and apologized for and would have fixed in literally 4min. 37sec. instead i got to listen to him rip into me, my staff, and my company for even hiring me. as if that wasn't bad enough he did it in front of 5 other cust. and tried to get them on his side. after all of that the fat f*ck still rtn'd everythihng save his free item. luckily our other customers knew he was blowing out his *ss and told us so while he was still standing there:)

yes i do like my job...sometimes i just hate the customers. i feel really bad for their offspring:(

ok ventage over...you can come out from your hiding place now...

along with comming to terms with my geeky tendacies i have come to a conclusion regarding my attration to this other world. i dont' have may geek friends yet as i roam thru journals i wonder why i don't have more. probrably because we are all at home on our computers;) anyways, my reasoning behind being so easily sucked into geekdom is that ya'll love the child in yourselves. i don't believe there is another group, other then children, that play more games then you guys & gals. you've also got a great sense of humor, open minds, and are extremly creative. guess one would have to be to imagine up computers and the things they will one day be able to do AND then build them to do it. in short , geeks rock!

i've been sitting in front of the computer for 20min. trying to decide whether or not to type this. so many people share their personal lives on this site. truth is i'm terrifed to share things that go thru my mind. forget about sharing matters of my heart. fact o' the matter is i have a link to my blog here. anything i didn't want you to know, you already know. if you didn't, you will if you bother to read the link.

unworkable + good story = workable

this is a FALSE statement.

unworkable + integrity = workable

this is a TRUE statement.

this is what i learned in a seminar tonight. i almost didn't go. my stomach still wishes i hadn't. i have a terrible tummy ache. it's from anxiety. one by one my crutches are falling away. soon i'll be standing on my own two feet. no excuses for living my sad little life. no reasons for me not to go out and live my dreams. nothing. just me.

i know i can handle it, i just never thought i'd have to. i've mentioned these feelings before. what i didn't know is how much my stories were enabling me to either not move forward or move at the speed of a slug. i know a lot of the "why's" of my life. i wanted to know. i have worked hard to figure them out. the "whys" are currently unimportant. what is important is what i'm doing. figuring out what is workable and replacing good stories with it.

what do i want to be? courageous! there is nothing i want more. courage to me is the door to all else.

so here i am. one courageous step at a time. each easier then the previous. some harder then others. makes me no difference as long as it's a step.

watch out world! even i don't know what is coming next!

i normally don't post my "personal" entries here. i leave them for my blog. i can't get to my blog tonight so all my lucky fans out there get to witness the jumble in my head.

today, as yesterday, i'm amazed at how at ease i am just being me. serveral have commented on how i put myself down in one of my first comments. i honestly didn't realize it because it was so mild compared to what i normally do. the response was overwhelming on over due.

i'm having a hard time trying to figure out what to "do" with myself. my family finally got the hint and has stopped calling me with all of their drama. work is going well. i don't have any major conflicts or hurtles to jump. so i'm just standing here trying to figure out what to do next. i've never had this happen to me before.

it's really odd b/c as much as i've wanted this i almost want to take it back. i said ALMOST. i am so out of my comfort zone that the discomfort of being happy is pushing me back to my old ways. i don't want to go there though. i repeat, i am happy, i'm just uncomfortable being happy. making new friends and picking up new hobbies is fun and exciting, but it's also completly out of my comfort zone.

if i weren't so damned passionate about becoming self confidant, facing my fears, and enjoying my life i'd high tail it in the other direction. alas, i am passionate about these things and i won't give them up, not for anyone or thing. i guess while i get accustomed to my bigger, better self, i'm gonna have to suck it up. so suck i will.

till my next deep thought....i still think...