Dear Slashdot,
I can't sleep,
so I decided to get up and make a strong, sweet, delicious cappuccino.
Well, sounds like a stupid idea, you might say.
But it made a perfect sense back then.
I perfectly realize that espresso is better but I feel like I catched a cold,
so I thought a big hot mug would be much better than a tiny little cup,
given the circumstances.
Why did I catched the cold, you might ask? Well, good question indeed.
Let us start from the beginning.
It was a strange day. I felt quite good but not too high most of the time.
I made thirty push-ups which is strange considering my usual laziness.
It was the first obvious sign that something very strange was
inevitably going to happen.
Then I got the idea to go down town but my car ran out of gas and
I was too lazy to go to the gas station with some bottle---well,
maybe not only lazy but also afraid of making idiot out of myself
in front of all of those people on the gas station,
all staring and laughing at me---so finally
I decided to screw the car and take a little, six hour walk.
Of course I don't feel my legs right now.
After circa about four hours of my walk, some girl unexpectedly talked to
me---I kid you not.
First I thought she must be a prostitute because incidentally I was
walking around that part of the city where the probability of
finding a prostitute is much higher than anywhere else,
but surprisingly she was not a prostitute, not at all, but instead
tried to sell me flowers---red roses.
Needles to say, as a self-respecting Slashdotter I had no one to whom
I could give a flower, which I told her, but she said she was
trying to get money for X-mas in a sad and cute,
simple yet eloquent way, with a shy, russian accent,
so out of pure sympathy I told her that I could give her some money
but I would have really no use for the flower, so let's say that
I am buying that flower for her.
I aksed if that would be acceptable, she agreed,
smiled and said "thank you" in such a nice way, leaving
absolutely no doubt that she desperately wanted to have sex with me.
But she didn't look older than sixteen
(well, in fact, she didn't look older than fourteen either)
so I thought "No! You can't do that, Hose!"
and walked away.
Then, after maybe three hours of my walk when I was almost back home,
I started wondering about the future of modern O/S'en,
particularly concerned about the important question:
"What is going to win on the desktop?
Unix or Windows? Which type of O/S will finally win? Which one?"
and instantly, to my unimaginable surprise,
a huge billboard appeared before my eyes with a word:
"UNIX." Unbelievable. A sign.
I almost started to run because I couldn't wait to read the rest of
the text below "UNIX" but when I finally got close enough
it turned out
to be---you won't believe it---something in the lines of
"Car service, electronics, injecting indignition, exhausting"
or some other car jargon. Would you believe it?
I stopped to stare for a while and it really read "UNIX,"
"U-N-I-X." It must have been some car mechanician who
named his shop after his favorite O/S. How amusing.
Now I can constantly feel tiny ants walking on me---those
annoying little bastards!---but mysteriously I can't see them.
That's very strange, considering the fact that
I actually saw few ants walking on me
in the last few days, but I feel them incomparably more frequently
than I see them. Do they really exist? Who knows.
I think it's time to get another cappuccino.
It was a strange and long day, I think I deserve it.
OK, I'm back. Mmmm... There's nothing like a good, fresh
cappuccino! Well, OK, there's espresso---but as I've already said
I think cappuccino will be better to warm me up.
I'm thinking about building some sort of ant-trap.
I would need a jar filled with... what do ants eat?
Do they need honey? I hope they don't, since I don't have any honey.
Maybe they'd eat some sugar?
OK, I'm starting to get hungry myself.
The problem is that I have no fresh bread whatsoever
and I am not willing to waste perfectly good cheese and eat it with
old bread---who would?
I know what I am going to do. Since I don't have anything even remotely
eatable, I'll check out Slashdot and see if there is any interesting
story on the front page.
Now, don't ask me why I am writing about it instead of simply doing
it---I have no idea.
By the way, do you know any virii,
wormen or other malwares' author? I'd like to ask few
inter-node communication and cryptography related
questions about the secret underground development of Samhain wormnet.
I'm so hungry. Maybe I'll try to get some sleep. But first
I'll check out the Slashdot front page.
Those god damned invisible ants are all over me!
I can't stand them any more!
Am I the only one who is outraged by the surprising fact that Slashdot
is not accepting "—,"
"“"
and "”" HTML entitties,
to name a few?
I just hate to use the inch symbol and double or triple hyphens,
it looks so amateurish from the typographical point of view,
which is completely intolerable on such a professional
news source as Slashdot.
I definitely need one more cappuccino.
Pan T. Hose, PhD.
