I wonder at times if I'm the only one that thinks about death. I even have a prefect way to die. I sometimes daydream bout it.
You see, I have a will written out. I update it every time that I feel down, and after I'm done with that, I usually zone out and think about what to do next. I always see myself taking a long long hot shower, enjoying every second. I then put on my best clothes. I don't have any really nice clothes, so it's a pair of black dress pants and a button down short sleeved shirt. I put on some soft music, something relaxing. I then put down a pile of towels on my bed and I lay down and cover up in my nice warm and soft green blanket. I then take a nice sharp razor blade out of the box and cut my wrists in a cross. The normal accross the wrist and then one down the center of the wrist to about half way up the forearm. I would put the razor down and just relax and wait for death.
Damn it, I'm not scared of death. Most people are, but I am not. Maybe that's because I just don't care about my life.
Anyway, back to my story.
I always think that I'll just stop breathing. I'll just stop, no wimper of pain, a look of happyness on my face. Just the transaction from live to dead would go as well as it could.
I figure it would be a few days to a few months before someone would bother to look for me. I don't think I'd be looking too good, but I wouldn't care. I want to be creamated and thrown away. I don't want a service because none of the people I'd actually want to show, would.
You see, that's the one thing I wish, more then anything else, that someone who really knows me, someone that I cared about, that someone out there would cry or at least miss me. The sad thing is the people who would cry for me wouldn't cry for *me* but cause they see their own morality or failings. I often wonder then, cause noone crys for me, am I even worth of tears? What have I done for anyone that makes me worthy of any care? I certainly never helped anyone out in need. I make new friends who abandon me. I've done nothing to be proud of, I've done nothing to help out anyone. I don't deserve human contact, which is why I keep failing at it I think. I figure after I'm found, the next two weeks will be full of 'family and friends' fighting over my stuff, cause whenever a family member dies, my family will just fight for more money out of the death, they don't care bout the person in the least. They take the life of a person and throw it all away for a few extra dollars. Fuck them.
And so after a few months, after everything I've owned has been split up and sold, and the only thing I leave behind is this journal and for some reason, I think that you guys would remember me longer then anyone I know in real life, when my memory is gone, and I'm gone. What then? I don't know, but I'd be doing something new at least. Something that hopefully isn't so... painful.
You see, I think that's my problem, I won't give up. Everything I do, I continue on and get hurt and hurt again, but I keep trucking on. I do get ever so tired of continueing on. When does it end? When should I call it quits? There comes a time when people just get tired and quit their jobs, why can't I quit my life? What is the difference?
I know, I know, I bet you guys think I should go find something to give my life meaning, but I ask you, what? To be very honest, I don't give a damn about politics. Volenterring in homeless shelters and all that havn't done anything for me. helping out the 'less fortunat' doesn't do anything to me, they seem to be a lot happier then myself, a lot more whole. How am I helping them? There doesn't seem to be anything that gives me any meaning and without meaning, how can I go on? I'm 22 fuckin years old and nothing. Why should I take the chance that in another 22 more years, everything will change? Infact, I think of myself as a drain on the world. the longer I live, the more money I waste, the more resourse I waste, the more I am waste.
I don't know why I wrote all of this. Maybe it's cause I want to know if you have any ideas, any thing that I missed? Am I wrong about anything?
Bleh.
