I am a total arsehole to women I really care about.

Well not care about but well, the ones I am attracted to lets say.

So today I was on a date with this girl I have been involved with in the past. We had a great time catching up, we ate together at bella pasta (50% student discount) then chilled out in a quiet bar.

That is when I realised that over the whole time I have known her I have hardly made any effort with her and she is the one that always calls me, that texts (SMS) me, that arranges to meet me.
While I just go on in my own world totally oblivious of her! This is sad because she is an amazing person and when I get tired of the player lifestyle I'd love to spend the rest of my life with a girl like her, I'd love a girl like her to my be mother of my children, but I am afraid that if I met somone as caring and sweet as her I'd push her away, because of what I am like.

I make no apologies, this is just me.
here is an example: after our date I let her walk back to her sisters car and went out clubbing with other friends... quite a successful night we had fun. but looking back at it, its not the nicest thing to do to a girl is it? its basically saying : "OK IT WAS FUN TONITE BUT NOW IM GOING TO THE CLUB TO FIND SOME SLAGS WHO WILL SUCK MY COCK, FOOD WAS NICE WASNT IT".

There was a time when I had a chance with her but I didn't take it, and now after all my neglect its probably over. Oh well I wasnt ready for a serious relationship but when the time comes I don't want to be like this.

I'm stuck here in sunny Birmingham while I read your Journals of snow and road blocks...

Wish it was like that here!

Oh yeah here is something cool, type the words:

Miserable Failure

in goolge and press I'm feeling lucky.

I need to write this down for two reasons, the batterys in my keyboard are dying rapidly and I think I'm going to fall asleep soon.

I have been up since 12:00 (pm) on friday. The day started off as any other friday. I got the train home from Uni with my friend and arrived home at 18:00, after having a bite to eat I went to see my grandma and my cousins who both live on the same street.

**I recieved a text message** telling me that it is the LAST night ever at TRAZ. Let me elobrate about TRAZ, its the first club that ever let me and my friends in... at the age of 14. We thought it was great, we still do. And over the years we have been going there nearly every week. Over this summer I spent many an evening in there. I believe it to be a huge part of my growing up.

I have experienced everything in that place, from the highs of sex in the dirty toilets to the lows of passing out on the main stage and lying there in a pool of your own sick until you friends find you.

Also I have met hundreds of amazing people there over the years, I only ever saw some people I have grown apart from since high school and college there.

**The last night of Traz**

It was great nearly everyone from our group was there many making special journeys back to Leicester just for the event. Towards the end of the night it got a bit crazy everyone stealing sign's and posters for souveneers.

You see TRAZ was a community more than a night club and we all loved having a place like that where we could belong, a place where seedy lesbians, Scruffy looking rockers, Punks who spent far too much time on their hair, people of all colours could get along and not give a fuck. There were hardly ever fights in there. Alchol was cheap, girls were interesting people as opposed to most that you meet in normal clubs.

I managed to get a coathanger from the cloak room, not the greatest thing but a sintimental treasure I assure you. I will treasure it. I will speak of this place to my grandchildren.

Intrestingly I saw a woman who dragged her son along, I'd guess she wanted to show him where his mommy went out when she was young.

The place was supposed to close at 2AM and if they disobey this then they lose their licence but since they were closing anyway the dj's didnt give a shit and kept the tracks spinning until 4AM. The staff behind the bar turned all the taps towards the dance floor and it was like dancing in the rain. TRAZ has been sold to a strip club chain so some of the girls who were soaked with water decided to give us a wet t-shirt show. One of the dj's got carried away and started stripping! crazy fucking shit. I am going to miss this so much, it has been there as somewhere you can go anytime and you'll meet some people you know.

I got home at 4:30 after dropping a friend home, I just couldnt sleep when I got back. My mind was just going through the memories of traz thinking about the great times. suddenly it was 7am fuck time to wake up for work.

I finished work at 17:30 but had to pick up 3 of my cousins and drop a co-worker home then babysit them until 20:00.

Now its 21:39 I have written this for my own refreence I wish I had more than a coathanger to remember it by. atleast I have this if my memories fade.

You might think this is a very insignificant thing to get sentimental about but its the little things in life that keep you sane, this was one of mine.

Anyone got similar stories?

Jorg, I have been trying to follow your advice as best as I can, I have only drunk 2 days in a row once in the last month. That was wednesday and thursday.

I got really drunk on thurday and don't remember shit that happened to me that night. Fun though. I agreed to join a skiing club.

Did the coding of a project in a day, piece of shit ADA95 so stupidly easy. I have only been to 2 or 3 of the lectures and still know more than half the hopless motherfuckers who want to do computer science. hahahaha they are the fool's whos jobs will be outsourced to india. And you know what I'm going to be the one who owns the outsourcing fucking company. fuck them. serves them right. if you want to be a money grabbing bitch become a lawyer.

Just tried to "remote desktop" to my home machine.

My computer has crashed for the first time since I have been at university. Either that or the cable company has cut me off for constant downloading for four weeks saturating my 600kb/s connection.

Oh well, I'll find out when I go home tommorrow.

First off thanks to all the people who gave their suggestions and advice on my last Journal entery all has come in handy.

This is the first time I have been able to get on the net properly in halls, before I had to pay 2p a minute so I didn't bother but I have found a modem on an internal extention which allows me to get online for free!

It has been a great first week, been out every night and got mashed off my head (sorry jts). In the day all these girls come upto me saying "hi" and I don't remember who the fuck they are, lol apparently I danced with them the night before.

My flat mates are great too, we all get on so well, like a house on fire we stay up talking until 5 or 6 in the mornings after a good night out. There is 9 of us sharing 1 kitchen and we all have our own bathroom/toilet.

I had my first lectures today, the first one was bearable because it was in a nice room but the 2nd one, "Introduction to AI" was shit, I fell asleep couldn't be arsed to concentrate on that crap.

Anyway we are on our way out, going to the "Dome" tonight... should be packed with sexy bitches.

Today should not be a sad day. It should be a day of celebration, of 2Pacs life and his amazing heart, mind and soul. It has been seven years and i as well as many others who are reading this can still bump Pac everyday and love every word. He has touched all our lives and Pac well always miss you.

RIP 2PAC | 1971 - 1996 | September 13th

I have got alot of heroes/idols in my life, my Nan is top of that list for sure she is the most amazing woman in the world. Then theres my cousin sisters who look after me and have been the closest things to real sisters I have in my life (being an only child).

Then there is the old boring ones, Darwin, Ghandi and Mandela.

2PAC is one of the most influencial, I don't really have respect for other rappers but Tupac was not just an enterainer he was one of the most amazing and powerful personalities I have had the pleasure of studying. His songs are deep in a way that even the best poets of all time cannot match. Reading his words reminds me of the complexity and depth of Shakespeare.

Tupac fans on slashdot please leave a comment if Tupac has touched your life in any way.

Please don't drool k thx

This is a story of the last 24 hours in my life. It's rather hectic. I am currently living a dream life where everything is perfect.

So it all starts off last night at 21:00, I on my way to a little town called Loughborough [pronounced Lufbra] about 12 miles from Leicester [pronounced Lesta]. I have been going to college there for the last two years and have many friends who live there. It was the birthday of an acquaintance lets call her M. Although I don't know her too well I do get along with some of her friends, who begged me to come. Not that it was required, Loughborough has a kicking nightlife .

I'm driving there so I can't drink, the legal limit is about a pint of beer but I never take the risk and don't drink at all when I am driving. I've been drinking for years and the novelty has worn off so this is not a problem. I love driving to Loughborough because the road is a lovely dual carriage way so I can drive at 110mph all the way, it's fucking great, once I did the whole journey in 6m43s (yes I timed myself!!).

OK I arrive meet A, J1, J2 at the pub we sit just catching up, A has moved house and J1 has passed his driving test! Woo! J2 is A's friend who I have not met before. A has told J2 that I am a psycho who's just come out of jail for stabbing someone and that I'm crazy and will beat the shit out of anyone who pisses me off in the slightest. His reaction to me is hilarious he is scared shitless and doesn't even know how to act. Hahaha! We change venue to a slightly trendier bar called newsstands and meet the rest of our friends there. [THE GIRLS!]

We're chilling in Newsstands and I'm talking to this girl sitting on my lap we'll call her S. I was joking and kind of being a jerk, teasing her etc. I don't know when the conversation turned serious but she asked me if she looked as good as these other girls in the bar, I just laugh at her... she runs off and starts crying!! WTF?!? I tried apologising but she didn't even want to talk to me after that so I thought fuck this shit. We all went to Vice Versa a nice cheesy club where I spent most of the evening dancing with the two girls S compared herself too. I mean, if you act like a stupid fucktard then fuck you I'll dance with the sexy girls.
This seemed to have a great effect on S and by 01:00 she came to me and said she was sorry! I finally got to apologise and danced with her for a while but that's all.

I was giving a lift home to a girl called P and when we got back to her house she was telling me all this shit about how much she loves me and I'm gorgeous(WTF?) and we made out for about an hour, she wanted to go further but as she was drunk and I was not I didn't want to take advantage and have some fucking sexual assault shit on my case. I left her at 03:30. I feel like shit due to the fact I was sooo dehydrated because I wasn't drinking, when I got home I drank 2 litres of water and has a quick peek online to see if FortKnox was on AIM as I'd offered to show him around some of the Enemy-Territory levels. Fortunately he was not on and I was very tired anyway, off to bed I go.

Wake up at 10:45, realise that I have to go out for a girl I'll call R's birthday. Ice Skating in Nottingham and I'm supposed to be meeting her at 12.20 so we could get the 12.45 train. Lucky my dad had a day off and could drop me off there because I would have never made it in time. Seriously I take fucking ages to get ready in the morning, with all the shaving, having a shower, nice cooked breakfast, watching a little news and checking my emails.

Ice skating was fun there was about 20 of us there and I was surprised to learn that I was not actually the worst skater there :-)
We got home for about 19:00 and I immediately generated a few Windows XP Keys. I had to go and fix my cousin sisters' computer; vmm32.dll on Win98 was corrupt so I thought bollocks to that crapware time for XP. So I get there, install it, patch for blaster, setup network and leave the windows update downloading about 180mb of updates!
I arrived home for about 23:00 and typed all this crap up. Tomorrow I have work, so it's the end of a (slightly geeky) dream. After all who doesn't feel joy at destroying Win98?

I was just reading The Register and came across this article defussing the rumors about BBC news online being axed. One quote struck me as quite funny!

And if you thought the New Labour government was a friend to the BBC, look no further than the current saga surrounding dead scientist Dr Kelly - where the Blair government went head-to-head with the corporation, sparking an almost unprecedented Hutton Inquiry. New Labour had clearly been spoiling for a fight ever since John Simpson didn't quite agree with the government line while standing under missiles in Belgrade. The left-wing bias of many BBC employees has always made it unpopular with right-wing governments.

If you actually read the whole thing it reveals the source of these rumors are some PR secratery left in charge while her boss was on holiday.