Evil Overlord
If I ever become an Evil Overlord:
1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear
plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will
be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten
cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will
not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River
of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will
be in my safe-deposit box.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before
killing them.
7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-
on-one and asks, "Or are you afraid without your armies
to back you up?" My reply will be, "No, just sensible."
8. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look,
before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this
is all about?" I'll say, "Nope" and shoot him.
9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be
married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a
lavish spectacle in three weeks time during which the
final phase of my plan will be carried out.
10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless
absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not
be a large red button labeled "Danger: Do Not Push".
11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the
infant who is destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it
myself.
12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum
-- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just
as well.
13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore,
I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in
the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive
to show they pose no threat.
14. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look
like an accident: I'm not accountable to anyone and
my other enemies wouldn't believe it.
15. I will make it clear that I _do_ know the meaning
of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.
16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-
old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to
spot will be corrected before its implementation.
17. All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for
dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of
their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration,
will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying
them as members of my organization, nor will they be
required to wear military boots or adhere to any other
dress codes.
19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last
cigarette, or any other form of last request.
20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown.
If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable,
I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117
and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If
I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make
sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret
his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.
22. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill
you, there's just one thing I want to know."
23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally
listen to their advice.
I for one welcome our new *_____* Evil Overlords
