Two housewives are chatting over the back yard fence one Friday afternoon.

One of them says to the other, "My husband Harry just called. He says he's bringing me home a dozen red roses. I guess that means I'll be spending the weekend on my back with my legs in the air."

The other one says to her, "What! Don't you have a vase?"

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A few weeks ago, I purchased a Panasonic DMC-FZ20 (yes, I know about the 30). I was primarily attracted to it because of the beautiful Leica 36-432mm f/2.8 lens. In short, it's a great camera that takes great pictures. Battery life could be better, but one can say that about a lot of digital cameras.

It does have one shortcoming that was very surprising, especially with the f/2.8 lens. Indoor/low light perfomance sucks! It's good with the Sunpak 383 flash, but then you end up fiddling with the exposure settings to get it right, much like a manual camera (except that you can quickly check your work and adjust if you don't like it).

After playing for a couple weeks, I quickly realized that I really want the features of a full-fledged DSLR. So this morning my new Nikon D70s arrived. I'm as happy as a clam.

Oh, on an unrelated note, I will be starting a new job much sooner than expected. One of my friends (an Internet "name") contacted me out of the blue to join him in a skunk-works product for a large silicon valley company. It's a very lucrative offer and a chance to work with him and a couple of other "names" as well. The only downside is I will be leaving IT PHB-land and becoming a systems architect instead. S'ok.... I can do that for a couple years, especially since the comp is really sweet.

OK, I'm really as happy as a giant clam!

Note: This was submitted to Ask Slashdot where it languished for two weeks in a Pending state before finally being rejected sometime yesterday

My former company has just closed its US operation (of which I was a part) and I find myself with a couple of months of downtime before starting work again. I'd love to put that time to productive use in the FOSS community, but to be honest, my coding skills are a bit rusty as I have primarily been a PHB for the past 14 yrs. Does anybody know of some good way to volunteer "PHB time" and if so, how?

I guess people have forgotten common "administer", especially those in careers relating to systems administration. I can't tell you how many times I see "administrate" on resumes.

Guess which pile they end up in?

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4 minutes????

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit),a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger. Then, I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand. I work from side to side, until I can get both hands inside. Then, I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."

And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot butthole?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs. $45.00
The Look on Cop's Face. PRICELESS.

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the finalists:

1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)

2. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."

6. "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing(3M) Corp.)

7. "My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25 page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write protected." (CIO of Dell Computers)

8. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

9. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me. (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

10. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

11. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division) [and we wonder why we have problems with Windows...]

12. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said,"If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards)

13. And finally...the WINNER!! As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo, in one of the sentences, I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" ("in the manner of a school teacher") used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for perverts (pedophiles?)working in her company. Finally, she showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

From The Best Of Craigs List

How to stay in my pants
Reply to: anon-34697581@craigslist.org
Date: Fri Jun 25 01:58:16 2004

I'm an incredibly good-looking woman who happens to be attracted to really geeky, nerdy, squiggly-looking guys. As such, I'm uniquely qualified to give advice to men who can't manage to sustain the one sexual relationship they miraculously stumble into during their dreary filled-with-TV-dinner lives.

I've had dozens of technogeek relationships, and somehow they all turn out the same. At some point, (and this can happen surprisingly early on) you geeks stop being grateful for the one woman on earth who deigns to sleep with you and you transform into a monster, much like that girl who Marsha Brady did the makeover on.

Okay, guys, clearly you need some helpful hints in this area. Most of you are pretty good at getting in my pants. You're intelligent, bashful, sweet. You have a nervous charm. It's staying in my pants that you can't seem to manage. And then you run around crying your eyes out because I've dumped you like a tank of oil on a freight bound for Alaska.

Here's how to prevent that kind of anguish:

1. Don't tell me, while lying in bed after the first time we have sex, that my breasts are almost as nice as [insert woman's name here]. For one thing, you've never even laid eyes on her stretch-marked, I've-had-three-kids titties. (Hey, I go to the same gym as these women you lust after, I know.) If you've only seen that other female's breasts covered by a shirt or, worse, in an airbrushed porn photo, please do not dare to compare mine to hers. In fact, if I've had the charity to fuck you, do not dare to compare mine, period. You may think that since I've ceased to be the goddess you once only dreamt of sleeping with, that you no longer have to treat me with respect. Wrong, you poor sod. My status has been *elevated.* I'm now the goddess who will actually sleep with you.

2. Don't pick over my body and ask questions like, "Do you shave or wax?" Consider yourself lucky I bother at all, you hairy bastard. You've been lusting after me for six months, falling all over yourself whenever you happened to see me in a skirt. So don't start acting all superior just because society demands supersonic high-intensity grooming for women, whereas you guys don't even own a fucking comb.

3. Don't, and I don't care how innocent you think it may be, tell me how attracted you are to [insert movie star, model, girl we just passed on the street, roommate, porn star, coworker, my best friend's name here]. Hey, if you can get Jennifer Aniston to sleep with you, more power to you. Otherwise, I don't want to hear about it. Your delusions of grandeur are of no interest to anyone but yourself and your psychiatrist. Be grateful for what you've got. I guarantee you'll miss it when it's gone.

4. If you had to have a colostomy in your early twenties, and you are hooked up by your thigh to a machine every night that feeds you intravaneously, and I am the first woman you've ever had sex with, do NOT ask me in a snide tone if I'm going to wear my hair that way. The answer is yes, I am. I changed the part in my hair, you anal-retentive fuck, because I know more about trendy women's hair fashions than you do, and you'll just have to deal with it. Oh, and my prediction that you would die 7 years later without ever having had sex with another woman proved to be correct. I wonder what you thought about on your deathbed: that year of mind-blowing sex with me, or that evening I wore my hair that funny way and then afterward broke up with you for making me feel insecure and miserable just before going out to dinner with all your friends.

5. Don't spend three hours looking at Internet porn if I'm in the other room waiting to fuck you. I will leave you. Seriously. Nothing you say, from, "I didn't want to ask you, I thought you might be tired" to "Those girls are so fake" will get you back into my good graces. And after I leave you, you will be on antidepressants for at least six months, you will lose at least two jobs, and you will go at least three years without sex. Do not fuck with the goddess.

6. Reading Maxim, or any publication that is similar to Maxim, does not make you attractive and manly. It makes you look sad and small. Once you get a girlfriend, you need to cut that shit out. (Tip: For best results, cut it out before there's any off-chance a woman might accidentally stumble into your apartment.)

7. Clean up your fucking house, for God's sake. If a woman you are dating tells you she can't sleep over because she's allergic to dust, HIRE A DAMN SERVICE. Do whatever you have to. Scrub that fucking crud off your bathtub before you join the legions of desperate men on Craig's List who can only dream of being in your position.

8. If you have not had sex for at least two years (or, in most cases, ever), you are a nerd. Do not trust your own fashion sense, interior design sense, social skills, or romantic prowess. If a woman buys you a nice shirt, wear it, you idiot. Just because it isn't a t-shirt you got free at a computer game convention doesn't mean you will look "weird" in it. Trust your technical skills. Trust your hacky sack skills. Trust your money-management skills. Just, please, defer to your girlfriend for fashion.

9. If ANYONE (not just the goddess you are lucky enough to sleep with) EVER says the following, DO NOT ARGUE. JUST PAY ATTENTION: "You need to brush your teeth." "You should wash your hair more often." "The napkin goes in your lap." "Do your jeans smell?" "Don't blow your nose at the table." "You're not supposed to lick the inside of a latte glass with your tongue." These customs may seem strange to you, but learning them will, I promise, increase your infinitesimal chances of getting laid.

10. Don't make puns. Hint: If people groan instead of laugh, it's not funny. If your sex goddess specifically requests that you stop making puns, grant that request swiftly and without remorse. You'll be richly rewarded.

11. Do not ever express disgust regarding a woman's menstrual period. If you want access to that vagina, approach it with reverence. It would be one thing if I bled all over your sheets. If the mere mention of a tampon makes you queasy, you're not mature enough to have sex.

12. Having slept with a wide variety of men and even a few women, there are some things I know unequivocally about myself: I have amazingly soft skin. Incredible breasts. Fantastic technique. And beautiful eyes. TELL ME THIS. The minute (okay, maybe not the minute, but sometime the same month) I stop hearing compliments from you, I'm out the door. Life is too short. If you can't observe some tiny thing to love about me (long eyelashes, big grin, silky hair) then you don't deserve me. Hey, I found nice things to say about the colostomy guy who had dandruff, bad breath, and a tendency to embarrass me in public. Because I sincerely loved him and desired him before he turned into the monstrous jerk who lost all appreciation for how great I am. Let that be a lesson to you.

13. That said, don't make up overblown, pathetic, self-deprecating compliments. Do NOT, under any circumstances, state that you don't know why women prefer assholes. That is simply your whiny, passive-aggressive way of saying, "She should fuck me instead of that handsome stud with a personality." Actually, I guess this advice falls more under the heading "How to Get Into My Pants" but I end up hearing up that type of whine a lot after I've left Mr. Geeky for Mr. Glamorous. Chances are the "asshole" has table manners, good hygiene, and a healthy interest in improving his sexual technique. Which makes you the asshole.

14. Be flexible. Just because you have your lonely little life all set up around watching Star Trek every night at midnight, or playing MUDD (I think that's what it's called) every Sunday afternoon, or eating boxed macaroni and cheese three times a week, doesn't mean you can't change in response to new information. Like, HELLO, you're getting laid now! That's BETTER THAN Star Trek. Maybe drop one of those sad little time-fillers now that you have a life. You hold onto it at your peril.

15. Spend a little money. I'm not saying go over budget--I hate financial irresponsibility--but c'mon. You lived with your parents until you were 30. You have like 100k in the bank. Your mom buys your underwear. Take me out to dinner once in a fucking while. I'm not saying every time we go out. But please stop offering to make me spaghetti with a "homemade" sauce from dried spices and canned tomatoes. Be willing to try something different, or eventually I'm going to get bored and realize that I'd rather go out to dinner alone than help you make another oregano special with water to drink.

16. Last but not least, before attempting our first kiss, spit out your damn chewing gum.

With your help, I might finally have a chance at the lifetime of geek love to which I aspire.

this is in or around my coochie
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

San Diego - The University of California San Diego Scripps Research Center released a report today which states that 65% of NBA players pass gas during games. "Over the course of the past two years we conducted a study that included the viewing of thousands of hours of game footage in addition to lengthy interviews with several hundred current and former NBA players. The preliminary results, which we are releasing today concludes that the passing of gas during NBA contests has reached an alarmingly high percentage," said research team leader, Dr. Robert Mason.

The detailed report goes on to state that excessive flatulence during play could start to lead to the outcome of games being affected. As an example, a 2002 NBA contest between the New Jersey Nets and Los Angeles Lakers is highlighted in the research team's findings as one where point guard Jason Kidd of the New Jersey Nets repeatedly passed gas while dribbling the ball up court to shake off defenders who double teamed him. In one offensive sequence, the report notes that Kidd backed down Lakers guard Derek Fisher all the way underneath the basket without ever making contact with him. The conclusion, says the study, "Kidd loaded up on a large amount of protein before the game to increase the severity of his flatulence thereby giving him an unfair advantage over unsuspecting Laker defenders."

Over the course of the interview process, researchers asked former and current players who they would name as the worst on-court gas passers of all time. Boston Celtics star Kevin McHale was the clear winner among former players. Recently retired New York Knicks center Patrick Ewing won out among current players who were polled, with Minnesota Timberwolves guard Latrell Sprewell a close second. The final report will not be issued until sometime next month, at which time the NBA league office is expected to comment on its findings and possibly address the issue with team owners at their next meeting in April.

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many
others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat and
had grown to be in strong favor for the distribution of all wealth in
America. She felt deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch
conservative which she expressed openly.

One day she was challenging her father on his beliefs and his opposition
to higher taxes on the rich & more welfare programs. In the middle of
her heartfelt diatribe based upon the lectures she had from her far
left professors at her school, he stopped her and asked her point blank,
how she was doing in school.

She answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know
that it was tough to maintain. That she had to study all the time, never
had time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even
have time for a boyfriend and didn't really have many college friends
because of spending all her time studying. That she was taking a more
difficult curriculum.

Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Mary." She
replied, "Mary is barely getting by," she continued, "all she has is
barely a 2.0 GPA" adding, "and all she takes are easy classes and she
never studies."

But to explain further she continued emotionally, "But Mary is so very
popular on campus, college for her is a blast, she goes to all the
parties all the time and very often doesn't even show up for classes
because she is too hung over."

Her father then asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's
office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your 4.0 GPA and give it to your
friend who only had a 2.0." He continued, "That way you will both have
a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair equal distribution of GPA."

The daughter visibly shocked by the fathers suggestion angrily fired back,
"That wouldn't be fair! I worked really hard for mine, I did without
and Mary has done little or nothing, she played while I worked real hard!"

The father slowly smiled and said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

What the fuck is up with this? Is there some contest going on to find the oldest dick? The spider dick-hunters in my earlier journal entry thought they had a winner. Now the winner is some fossil who's name translates as "swimmer with a large penis". What's next? The discovery of something named ancestorus johnholmesus? long dong silverfish? Sheesh. Get a life, or at least get over fossil penis envy.

19 things to do while on the pot in a public men's room.

1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, " May I borrow a highlighter?"

2.Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise

4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit!! My glass eye!!"

6. Say "Darn, this water is cold."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place. Sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

9. Say, "Hummus. Reminds me of hummus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, " Whoa! Easy boy!!"

11. Say," Interesting,,,, More sinkers than floaters"

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?

13. Say, " C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me now!!

14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"

15. Say, "Darn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

16. Play some, well known, drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks

17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down a "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free"