So Lynda says, "We need to go to Macy*s they're having a sale," when it occured to me Macy*s is always having a sale.
It's never like "Worst Pricing of the Year Day" or "Nothing On Sale Day" or "Every Item Marked Up".
Everything is always on sale.
So Jack got skunked... we washed him a lot. So much we washed his tick medicine off.
Lynda can spot a tick from 50 paces. She's the Tick Master. So Jack had 3 ticks on them. I don't know what a tick looks like but when Lynda hands me the Mason Jar and the paper towels I set them on fire and dump the charred remains in the run off!
So then we check Sophie and Danny since they hang out with Jack the most - CLEAN!
So I've had a Sirius Radio since September before Stern went on in January. The service kicks ass... but you already knew that...
So I ordered a new radio for my office. Lynda loves the radio so we leave it in the truck. I got another cheapo radio because I need not many features. I ordered a dock for the offfice too.
They ran out of the cheapo radios. They sent a WAY better radio and a fucking KILLER dock. It even takes my iPod.
I am really happy with the way they handled this. They could have been total dicks. Oh and they gave my 20% off my year subscription for the trouble of being upgraded on both items!
It's 0430 and Jack is whining. A lot. And it smells like dog shit in my bedroom. Lynda, wanter of the (fucking) dog, dutifully gets up and let's him out. I scan the floor looking for shit but hear from downstairs the one single word you want to hear in this situation:
Fart!
I roll onto my good side, the one that doesn't make my stomach churn because I am ~40 minutes from my pill... and awake. I hear the one word, I now know, you never want to hear... ever:
Skunk!
I go down stairs and Lynda is looking, uhhh, lemoned. Her face is squished. Her brow furrowed and it smells. It smells God-awful. Not like side of the road skunk... like skunk exploded in a bag of deer piss and burnt tires. Jack is looking at us like, "Oh shit humans. Fix this."
We take him to the garage. The basement is full of XMas stuff. We immediately go to the intarweb and find out that tomato juice is a lie. However, we do find out that:
1 quart 3 percent hydrogen peroxide (fresh bottle)
1/4 cup baking soda (sodium bicarbonate)
1-2 teaspoons liquid dish soap.
Is the ONLY answer. We don't have any of that. Putnam county for all it's beauty is a black hole of purchasing. Shop Putnam! Where? Danbury has an open Walgreens. We're going. Now.
My mom and sister in law are over so we don't have to wake the kids. The garage smells like deer piss, burnt tires and marzipan. I pull both cars out. As we're driving down the
We get to Walgreen's easily. We know Danbury, it's where we shop. We called to make sure they were open. The can't believe the smell. A slightly overweight girl crying about needing 100USD - she'll write a check for - is telling us of her friend who was in a car and someone else was doing something bad and she needs 500USD to get him out but she only has 400USD. We don't have a dime on us and even of we did...
We leave. Lynda smells. Bad. Like deer piss, burnt tires, marzipan and funk.
We get home. I strip down to my underwear and latex gloves. I've dreamt about this outfit but... well anyway. We get Jack in the house. There are yellow stains on him. We immediately begin to hypothesize that the dog had been pissed on, not skunked. Wrong, skunks use an oily yellow delivery system. We mix the concotion. Basically it's an oxygen bomb with soap.
Jack sits still in the shower as I scrub him down. Over, and over and over.
Lynda is putting finger bowls of white vinegar on every surface of the house. We even put one in the Suby. It stinks. As I scrub Jack I think abuot going to Walmart and getting a shotgun. I will kill all the skunks. I mean what purpose do they serve?
Jack is currently locked in the bathroom. Lynda and I have showered. (She still smells like deer piss, burnt tires and marzipan.)
I have to go get my grandmother in Bay Ridge 2 hours. *sigh*
Merry Stinkmas.
You read it now! Now!
Hello my fellow Americans. I just watched this video:
Zawahiri said Al-Qaeda, which claimed the September 11, 2001 attacks on New York and Washington, will not stop attacks on US soil as long as the United States strikes Muslims on their own land.
"If we are hit in our countries, we will not stop striking you in your country," he said.
Zawahiri said he believed the United States will ultimately have to talk with "the real forces" in the Islamic world in order to extricate itself from Iraq and Afghanistan, in a reference to Islamist extremists.
"It seems you will undertake a painful journey of failed negotiations before being forced to go back, God willing, to negotiation with the real forces," said a turbaned Zawahiri.
Osama bin Laden's number two also said US President George W. Bush was deceiving Americans by telling them he was going after "terrorists" in Afghanistan and Iraq in order to keep them away from the United States.
"Your safety lies in the following equation: you will not dream of security until we live secure in Palestine and all Muslim lands," Zawahiri said.
People of Islam have 24 hours to renounce your religion or the US Military will kill you. Painfully. Even if you do we're killing you. The Dutch are totally with us.
Thank you. God Bless you. Good night.
ellem Sophie are you excited about Christmas and Santa?
Sophie It's Halloween.
ellem No, baby it's Christmas-time.
Sophie No, it's dark. It's Halloween.
ellem Just because it's dark doesn't mean it's Halloween.
Sophie It's Halloween, Stupid!
ellem OK then, Happy Halloween.
Sophie Thank you Daddy.
I live where it snows. Well, maybe not this year, but it will and when it does I want to be prepared.
So I got me a nice new 2007 Subaru Outback 2.5i. Yeah, yeah, I wanted the STi but you know... I drive my car back and forth to the train station. But hey, it's a stick!
Lynda has taken quite a shine to this new car. I have taken to making horrendous smells with my new clutch and my 15 year absence of having one. This clutch is very light and the "hold point" is very wide so starting on hills is something of an issue. The car has a ton of shit in it that I generally never have. It has heated seats. When they are on I feel like I have to shit - I'm against that. I am for the compass in the auto dimming rearview mirror though.
See it here. Note my insanely long driveway. You only see about half of it though.
Saturday, December 16, 2006 at 21:16
Danny announced that even if Santa switched to DHL his mission was impossible and therefore Danny no longer believes in Santa.
"There are too many inconsistences in his story."
This is the same kid who asked if Santa was a Socialist not too long ago.
I love this girl. Not in that latex Batgirl outfit way either.
She's hysterical.
Sarcasm Does Not Belong On YouTube
and... watch it close
Apparently Homosexuality is caused by Soy. No, really.
There's a slow poison out there that's severely damaging our children and threatening to tear apart our culture. The ironic part is, it's a "health food," one of our most popular.
Now, I'm a health-food guy, a fanatic who seldom allows anything into his kitchen unless it's organic. I state my bias here just so you'll know I'm not anti-health food.
The dangerous food I'm speaking of is soy. Soybean products are feminizing, and they're all over the place. You can hardly escape them anymore.
I have nothing against an occasional soy snack. Soy is nutritious and contains lots of good things. Unfortunately, when you eat or drink a lot of soy stuff, you're also getting substantial quantities of estrogens.
Estrogens are female hormones. If you're a woman, you're flooding your system with a substance it can't handle in surplus. If you're a man, you're suppressing your masculinity and stimulating your "female side," physically and mentally.
In fetal development, the default is being female. All humans (even in old age) tend toward femininity. The main thing that keeps men from diverging into the female pattern is testosterone, and testosterone is suppressed by an excess of estrogen.
If you're a grownup, you're already developed, and you're able to fight off some of the damaging effects of soy. Babies aren't so fortunate. Research is now showing that when you feed your baby soy formula, you're giving him or her the equivalent of five birth control pills a day. A baby's endocrine system just can't cope with that kind of massive assault, so some damage is inevitable. At the extreme, the damage can be fatal.
Soy is feminizing, and commonly leads to a decrease in the size of the penis, sexual confusion and homosexuality. That's why most of the medical (not socio-spiritual) blame for today's rise in homosexuality must fall upon the rise in soy formula and other soy products. (Most babies are bottle-fed during some part of their infancy, and one-fourth of them are getting soy milk!) Homosexuals often argue that their homosexuality is inborn because "I can't remember a time when I wasn't homosexual." No, homosexuality is always deviant. But now many of them can truthfully say that they can't remember a time when excess estrogen wasn't influencing them.
Doctors used to hope soy would reduce hot flashes, prevent cancer and heart disease, and save millions in the Third World from starvation. That was before they knew much about long-term soy use. Now we know it's a classic example of a cure that's worse than the disease. For example, if your baby gets colic from cow's milk, do you switch him to soy milk? Don't even think about it. His phytoestrogen level will jump to 20 times normal. If he is a she, brace yourself for watching her reach menarche as young as seven, robbing her of years of childhood. If he is a boy, it's far worse: He may not reach puberty till much later than normal.
Research in 2000 showed that a soy-based diet at any age can lead to a weak thyroid, which commonly produces heart problems and excess fat. Could this explain the dramatic increase in obesity today?
Recent research on rats shows testicular atrophy, infertility and uterus hypertrophy (enlargement). This helps explain the infertility epidemic and the sudden growth in fertility clinics. But alas, by the time a soy-damaged infant has grown to adulthood and wants to marry, it's too late to get fixed by a fertility clinic.
Worse, there's now scientific evidence that estrogen ingredients in soy products may be boosting the rapidly rising incidence of leukemia in children. In the latest year we have numbers for, new cases in the U.S. jumped 27 percent. In one year!
There's also a serious connection between soy and cancer in adults - especially breast cancer. That's why the governments of Israel, the UK, France and New Zealand are already cracking down hard on soy.
In sad contrast, 60 percent of the refined foods in U.S. supermarkets now contain soy. Worse, soy use may double in the next few years because (last I heard) the out-of-touch medicrats in the FDA hierarchy are considering allowing manufacturers of cereal, energy bars, fake milk, fake yogurt, etc., to claim that "soy prevents cancer." It doesn't.
P.S.: Soy sauce is fine. Unlike soy milk, it's perfectly safe because it's fermented, which changes its molecular structure. Miso, natto and tempeh are also OK, but avoid tofu.
***
I know Zeke! We'll let the blind hunt!
Nestor The Long Earred Rabbit, Reindeer or Donkey
OK so think Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer stop action type Christmas Special except instead of being benignly insipid it's clearly a drug influenced pseudo religious story.
Apparently this rabbit thing is despised by it's owner who is some kind of viking or something and then Romans inexplicably show up and kill everyone except for this viking with a heavy Hebrew accent. So in some Jewish Viking beserker rage Nestor the rabbit thing gets thrown about a half a mile by its ears. So then the other not dead thing is Nestor's mother who looks shockingly like something Dave Grohl, Steve Buscemi and a donkey might produce goes looking for Nestor. So she find the rabbit thing and dig a hole and they sleep on the ground. When Nestor wakes up his mother is dead and a half naked sheriff(?) with wings shows up and Nestor agrees it makes sense for him to follow this winged sherrif to Bethlehem. The sheriff tells Nestor his gigantic ears are able to hear things no one else can.
Along the way to Bethlehem Nestor is mocked by a bear, rabbits, goats, dolphins and a deer. Undeterred and certain his goal of getting to Bethlehem was the right decision Nestor plugs on. Finally about 20 feet from Bethlehem the winged sherriff abandons Nestor and Nestor is abducted by an Arab animal salesman. Nestor is further humiliated by all the other captive animals.
Finally, and for no reason at all Mary and Joseph show up to buy a donkey. Despite many excellent Donkeys available they choose Nestor because of, get this, his eyes. So they have no money and the Arab is all ready to throw them out after trying to get more money out of them for Nestor's ears when Mary throws the whammy on them by effusing light from her forehead. The Arab gives them Nestor and they ride off.
Then, just like that, Nestor goes home and the Jewish Viking and all the mean spirited animals who were all dead less than half an hour ago are all really glad to see him.
***
OK, WTF? First of all what is Nestor? Second what's with the vikings? And what's up with the half naked winged sheriff? This is a really bad Christmas special. This makes things with Valerie Bertinelli crying throughout the entire show seem like Shakespeare. No wonder you never see this one on TV in December!
"Look! There! Evil!.. pure and simple, total evil from the Eighth Dimension!" -- Buckaroo Banzai
