> Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a
> Doberman pinscher and the other had a Chihuahua. As
> they sauntered down the street, the one with the
> Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that
> bar and get something to drink."
> The one with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in
> there. We've got dogs with us."
> The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead."
> They walked over to the bar and the one with the

> Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to
> walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Lady, no pets allowed."
> The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't
> understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."
> The bouncer said, "A Doberman pinscher?"
> The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're
> very good."
> The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
> The lady with the Chihuahua figured convincing him a
> Chihuahua was a seeing eye dog may be too far fetched,but thought "what
the
> heck", so she put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
> Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets
> allowed."
> The one with the Chihuahua said, "You don't
> understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."
> The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
> The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They
> gave me a freaking Chihuahua???!!"

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral.

The title to the property dated back to 1803, wich took the Lawyer three months to track down.

After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply (actual letter):

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):

"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years
covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property
area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.

For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good
queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope
before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition.

Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ,the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world.

Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of
origin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA.

I hope the hell you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?"

The loan was approved!

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When i am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, i put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If i start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to the office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1.) Sip the Vodka, dont gulp.

2.) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3.) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4.) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5.) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6.) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7.) The Father, Son and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.

8.) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9.) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, dont say he was stoned off his ass.

10.) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"

11.) When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"

12.) The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."

13.) The recommended grace for a meal is NOT "Rub-a-dub-dub thanks for the grub, yeah God."

14.) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

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DUMB MEN JOKES

WHY ARE ALL BLONDE JOKES ONE-LINERS?
So men can understand them

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GOVERNMENT BONDS AND MEN?
Government bonds mature

WHAT IS A MANS IDEA OF HELPING WITH THE HOUSEWORK?
Lifing his legs so we can vacuum.

WHY IS A PSYCHOANALYSIS A LOT QUICKER FOR MEN THAN FOR WOMEN?
When it is time to go back to their childhood they are already there.

WHAT DID GOD SAY AFTER HE CREATED MAN?
I can do better than this.

HOW DO MEN DEFINE A 50/50 RELATIONSHIP?
They cook/We eat; They clean/We dirty; They iron/We wrinkle.

WHATS THE BEST WAY TO FORCE A MAN TO DO SIT-UPS?
Put the remone control between his toes.

HOW DO MEN EXCERSIZE AT THE BEACH?
By sucking in their stomaches every time they see a bikini.

WHAT DOES A MAN CONSIDER TO BE A SEVEN COURSE MEAL?
A hot dog and a six pack.

HOW ARE MEN LIKE NOODLES?
They are always in hot water, they lack taste and they need dough.

WHY IS IT GOOD THAT THERE ARE NOW FEMALE ASTRONAUTS?
When the crew gets lost in space, at least the female will ask for directions

--hey its only fair guys you crack on us "dumb blondes" all the time ;)

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A sad announcement-
Today we mourn the passing of an old friend, Common Sense.

Common Sense lived a long life, but he died inthe United States from heart failure early in the new millennium.

No one really knows how old he was, since his birth records were lost long ago in bureaucratic red tape. He selflessly devoted his life to service in schools, hospitals, homes and factories, helping folks get job dont without fanfare and foolishness.

For decades, petty rules, silly laws, and frivolous lawsuits help no power over Common Sense. He was credited with cultivating such valued lessons as to knmow when to come in and out of the rain, why the early bird gets the word, and that life isnt always fair.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (dont spend more than you earn), parenting strategies (the adults are in charge, not the kids), and its OK to come in second. A veteran of the Industrial Revolution, the Great Depression, and the Technical Revolution, Common Sense survived cultural and educational trends including body piercing, whole language, and "new math", but his heal declined when he became infected with the "if-it-only-helps-one-person-it's-worth-it" virus.

In recent decades, his wning strength proved no match for ravages of well intentioned but over bearing regulations. He watched in pain as good people became self-seeking lawyers. His health rapidly deteriorated when schooled endlessly implemated zero-tolerance policies.

Reports of a 6 yearold charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, a teen suspended for taking a swig of mouthwash after lunch and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his condition. It declined even further when schoolsa had to get parental consent to administer an asprin, but could not inform the parent when a female was pregnant or wanted an abortion.

Common Sense lost his will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses, criminals recieved better treatment than victims, and federal judges stuck their noses in everything from boy scouts to professional sports.

When an individual, too stupid to realize that a steaming cup of coffe was hot, was awarded a huge settlement, Common Sense threw in the towel. As the end neared, Common Sense drifted in and out of logic, but was kept well informed of developements regarding questionable regualtions such as those for low flush toilets, rocking chairs, step ladders, and auto emissions.

Common Sense finally succumbed when, while the US was fighting a war on terrorism, a federal judged declared the Pledge of Allegiance to be unconstitutional.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by two step siblings: My Rights and Ima Whiner.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

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|              THE RULES
|
| 1.) The Female always makes the rules
| 2.) The rules are subject to change at any time
| without prior notification
| 3.) No Male can possibly know all the Rules.
| 4.) If the Female suspects the Male knows all
| The Rules, she must immediately change some or
| all of The Rules
| 5.) The Female is never wrong
| 6.) If the Female is wrong, it because of a
| flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct
| result of something the male did or said wrong.
| 7.) If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize
| immediately for causeing the misunderstanding.
| 8.) The Female can change her mind at any given
| point in time.
| 9.) The male must never change his mind without
| written consent from the Female.
| 10.) The Female has every right to be angry or
| upset at any given time.
| 11.) The Male must remain calm at all times,
| unless the Female wants him to be angry or
| upset.
| 12.) The Female must under no circumstances let
| the male know whether or not if she wants him to
| be angry or upset
| 13.) The Male is expected to mind read at all
| times.
| 14.) The Male who doesnt abide by the rules
| can't take the heat, lacks a backbone, and is a
| wimp
| 15.) ANY attempt to document The Rules by a male
| could result in bodliy harm.
| 16.) If the Female has PMS, all The Rules are
| null and void.
|
|
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