University is very stressful for me.. I suspect I might fail 3 of the 4 courses I'm registered to.. bah!
So yesterday, about half an hour before going to the 2nd CS midterm exam, I was hearing the song Destiny by Zero7 (amazing song isn't it? You can freely download it from Amazon) and I felt it gave me some tears, so I thought "What the heck. I haven't cried for long". I waited for the song to end and then I played a very sad song of terminal parting: Everything But The Girl's cover of Cindy Lauper's Time After Time.

And then I really cried.. I haven't cried like that for at least 5 years.

After that I went to do the exam, which should have been the real reason for me for crying on that day. Truly a vicious one. I hope to get 58 on it... :(

This seems to turn out much longer than what I expected. I hope that you, my lovely readers (including Rasa!) would be able to at least skim through it.

Guess what? BGU accepted me for Computer Science studies!

I applied to Huji and Bgu, specifying that my first priority is computer science and the last priority is math. With my psychometric and finals, I thought I didn't have much chance to get accepted to CS, so I planned to use the CS backdoor mentioned here, which means studying math first year, and then moving to CS next year.

The problem with the backdoor that it requires high grades (75-90) in order to be able to move from math year one to CS year two. And it's very hard to get those grades in the year one courses. Those courses are the notorious Calculus (Infinitesimal math) and Linear AlgeBra. And while I tried to believe in myself, I was very scared I won't be able to do that.

If you get accepted to CS, then it's enough to receive 60+ in those courses in order to continue to year 2. It's hard, but much more possible.

So the thing that happened is that Huji accepted me to math, and Bgu sent me a rejection letter after a very long wait. I called Bgu and expressed my disappointment (because I planned on Bgu), and they told me that the rejection letter was sent by mistake and I should wait to a final decision - but they also told me that I do not meet the criteria required even for studying math there.

So I've given up on them and started planning on Huji instead. It was too late to apply for dorms so my friend MercuryFillingsFan (who got dorms problems too) wanted to rent an apartment in Jerusalem with me. I wasn't sure about this decision, because moving into an apartment with a friend might be a good way to destroy friendship. But I preferred to move with him instead of moving in to live with total strangers.

So he came to my place and we were about to ride and start our apartment journey, when I've noticed there was a letter from Bgu to me on the piano. It was a thick letter, unlike the slim rejection letter that I received previously - which was a good sign, but I was sure it'd be just telling me that I got accepted to math, and I've already given up on them.

But the letter told me that I got accepted to CS! It doesn't make much sense - Maybe they liked the recommendation letter by my uncle (who is a doctor).. but the main thing is that I can study CS! I don't have to use the math backdoor anymore, but I can enter the course in the main entrance, like a king!

Isn't it lovely? I started to shout like crazy and woke up my sister.

My parents are in New England now, so I asked them to bring me the book Calculus for Dummies (because it didn't get exported yet), so I'll be able to get ready for that infamous course. Normally I look down on those Dummies books because they are inteneded for completely clueless, technophobic people. But this time this book fits me like a glove, because I AM clueless in math. And this book might be my saviour.. the thing that bugs me in university math is that the books are usually written in the driest possible way (being interesting is futile!), and it's hard for most humans to concentrate on that. The Calculus For Dummies book at least seems to try to be a bit interesting.

And now, about the date.
If a girl ends a date with "we'll talk", it's not a good sign is it? I read in one paper that it actually means "we will never talk again!". I hope she didn't mean that (my lil sis says that "we'll keep in touch" is a bad sign, but "we'll talk" isn't necessarily bad).
The way I met her is kinda funny. I sent an email to a project management company and asked them silly questions ("who's better. You, rival one or rival 2?"). They answered my email very seriously. Later they sent me another email asking if I need project management services.

I replied: "No, but I am looking for a girlfriend".
I didn't think they'd treat it seriously, but the anonymous marketing worker replied with "If you're looking for a very nice and serious girl, call this number and try to impress Tal".
So I called her and she was surprised that they sent her my number, but she did come to see me. She sent me an horrible picture, but she looks lovely on reality. Our date was nice - although I did most of the talking, and I sensed that "bad vibe" when we parted. I hope she'd want to see me again. But if not, I'll have plenty of girls from Bgu to meet. ;)

I've been fighting with procrastination a lot lately. I tried coming up with several reasonings to tell myself during the work day (like "do you want to go home today?" or "you must fight the monster of procrastination"), so I'd stop browsing silly sites and do some work instead.
But it didn't help much, and since I didn't really do much work lately (yesterday's work day resulted in less then 20 code lines), I decided to take a drastic step. Tomorrow I'll be telling myself this:

If you're not going to stop procrastinating and start doing some work, I'm going to send you to a psychiatrist so he'll figure out what to do with you

And I mean it, really. I've tried rewiring my brain for a while but so far it didn't work. If it continues that way, I'll have to let someone else to deal with myself.

I've noticed long ago that most of my moods during working or studying are: Drowsy and Hyper.

Drowsy is the most common - many times I get tired from work, or just tired from thinking of it. Getting rid of the drowsy mood is pretty easy: Caffeine.

The problem is that it moves me to the Hyper mood. In this mood, I want to do something ELSE but work - like walk around, read a book or write a slashdot journal (like now!).

I've got sometimes the worky mood.. but it's more rare. God my self discipline is so messed up.

PS: Leftover, are you still reading the thingies I write here? I read you need a hug. I'll be happy to supply it, but you'll have to reply my phone call. Do it as soon as you read this!

(Update) More about the hyper mood:
I feel like something is missing, which need to be mended it before I start working. The problem is that I don't know what's missing. I try viewing news sites and webcomic sites, and sometimes that helps, but not always.

(Kinda boring plan)
There is that girl, whom I'll call Tali here - the first girl I ever had a crush on. I felt such a click when we first met, in a channel meeting up there in Jerusalem. That was somewhere at 1998. She was so enthusiastic when she spoke to me, and it was contagious. She was so cute.

But maybe this is overrated? I'm begining to doubt whether she was so magical like I thought. Anyway, on with the story. She had a boyfriend.

But we still talked. And one day in 2000 I found she had a weblog. It was built in Wiki (you know, the pages that everyone on the web can modify). And someone deleted content from it and for some reason she was sure it was me.

From that day she stopped talking with me. She ignored my emails and told an envoy that she doesn't want any contact with me anymore. I believe that it might be because of her borderline personality. Her black-and-white sorting nature told her to put me in her black list.

But I do want to speak with her. I think she's the closest thing to magical girl I've ever seen. And I have several plans.

The first plan is to try to communicate with her using THIS identity. I doubt she ever finds this blog but it could be nice if she does. She got that mailing list in Yahoo Groups, and I try posting there a message: "You should have more girls in this list because it's really boring without them". After that they blocked my username. SO - I can try sending her a scanned drawing of me saying: "Why did you block me? It's very not nice of you". I think she appreciates drawings so maybe she'll respond.

But if she doesn't.. there's plan B! I found her current blog somewhere in LiveJournal (just by googling her real name) and I can respond to it using another handle. Maybe she'll be interested who am I. The worst case that can happen will be that she will stop writing there.

Now.. there's no plan C. Maybe you could help?

That girl wrote in her blog:

And today, how much I cried..
the things that hold me are beginning to crumble.

and I'm going to fall.

So I sent her an email:
"Do you want me to help you hang in there?"
And she answered:
"How exactly?"

That's a good question, isn't it? I can just write "Well, I got the impression that you need a boyfriend". But I'm not sure she'll be pleased to see that. I wonder if there's a better way.

Update: Why aren't you answering me? I need help and fast!!!!!
Update 2: No reply from her. Maybe I should stop hitting on every damsel on distress I see there. ;)
Update 3: She replied, and wrote "A new friend is always good!" Now.. did she mean friend or boyfriend? We'll see. :)
Update 4: She doesn't want to talk on the phone. That is a major turnoff, as I have no energy to get to know people through text - unless there's something magical about them.

PS: Leftover, are you reading this? You didn't return my call! It's very vicious you know!

It's real fun writing in that blog, because they allow embedding images in your posts (and you don't need to use another site for the images, too!).
So I made that my blog will have an icon for each post, just like in here.

But if I go out with the girls from there, it prevents me from writing in that blog. Hmmm weird. Very. See what kind of dilemmas I have to face?

The bitch ate my swimming goggles!
She ate their case and then she ate them, because I left that in a bag on the floor!

What can I do to prevent her to do more stuff like that? Previously she took a [metric] thermometer from my bag which was on the floor too and ate it! It totally pisses me off!!

PS: The blog flirting ended with a failure. Rini ran away from me and Rona told me she's not into a romantic relationship (after she heard my voice). Typical isn't it?

So Rona didn't call me back yet. But the first girl who contacted me, Rini, answered my email and I like the way she writes. But what, I checked her blog and she hints she had a suicide attempt after her previous relationship collapsed.

Interesting isn't it? Funny that you can't see all those extra-weird people on reality, but only on the net...... . . I hope it was only a temporary crisis. :-/

(A confused, messed up journal entry)
I have a more interesting blog in another site, but it's too monitored now so I'll write here, where almost no one would look.

In that other site, I posted a story telling how much I'm looking for a girlfriend. And 2 girls answered it.
I started talking with the first girl (let's call her Rini) and then the other girl (let's call her Rona) also answered my journal entry, and even ordered a site subscription for me (yes, you can pay in that site so other people will have a subscribed account. It's like ordering a drink in a pub for a girl you don't know).

So.. I had short and nice conversations with Rona in the last 2 days, and she said that I'll call her today. So I did, but she's not answering.. and I waited all day. So I resumed my communication with Rini by replying her last email, after a delay of 2 days (she didn't answer yet)

But what.. that's the mess. I thought of suspending the communication with Rini until I know what goes between me and Rona - because I don't want to date with 2 girls at the same time - it confuses me and puts me under pressure. So what if Rona answers me tomorrow and then Rini answers me too? I won't know who to choose!! I can't look at that logically, because if I go with one girl, I will be angry on myself for having to reject the other girl...

PS: I found a job! I will continue working until the university starts.

I'm scrapping the bottom of the barrel now. Time to get a job.
(And why am I writing that? Because I'm such a procratinator, and writing stuff here might remind me to do them)

Another thing: I got 690 in the psychometric. So it allows me to study math starting at October. I'm choosing BGU. Wish me luck!

"Thank you for driving me home"
"My pleasure"
The girl heads to the car door, so I ask:
"Can I get a hug?"
"I think I'll pass".

That doesn't sound good, does it?

Due to a misfortune, this thing had to be reposted (luckily I store backups). Com2Kid, feel free to write your comment again. ;)

I had my psychometric exam on Monday (10.02.2003). I hope I'll make it.. but I'll know only in a month. Currently I belive there's a 50% chance that I'll get the necessary grade to get into the math faculty in Huji. If I fail, I'll have to wait about half a year before I can take the next test, which will be a major bummer.

Should I be ashamed for that I enjoyed studying and doing the psychometric? I like all those riddles - they are quite fun.. unlike all the other people who despise them dearly. At least the war got put off past the psychometric time, which was very good for me.

But it doesn't mean that the war won't have any impact on me. It might mean that the folk dances will be moved to weekend day time, since people will be asked to stay at homes during the night.. and that means I won't be able to dance with the cute Dutch girl whom I have a crush on.. and it'll be very sad since I like her a lot. She always reminds me of Heather Jurgensen (picture) from the movie Kissing Jessica Stein...

(a lot of personal thoughts with no conclusion)

The girl that I tried hitting on using emails still didn't respond to me, but by browsing her site and looking on previous versions of it (using this lovely incriminating tool), I've found that she suffers from borderline personality disorder. She even wrote a lot about it, but for some reasons prefered to remove all the pages about it. It's quite interesting actually.

People suffering from borderline personality disorder (BPD) may have 2 extreme situations: One of them is a complete burst of emotions and feelings ("She could cry half an hour, just because I told her that she should wash the lettuce before cutting it"), and the second one is a complete lack of feelings ("When she broke out with me, after one year of being together, she did it without showing any emotion on her face. Too bad she prefered a hard drug addict over me") - knowing your body is there, but not feeling it - which may cause the victim to wound herself, just to feel her body is alive. Funny that BPD is considered a "girl's disorder".

And how she deals with those 2 situations? Not with drugs (unlike many other people) but by art. She visually expresses what she's feeling, and that helps her to pass away the situation.

I've seen her writing in the same site I met her, mentioning that disorder (and her boyfriend again), and using a different nick. I had a small urge to answer her: "Hey Z, is that you?", but I'll never do such a thing.

Remember the secretary from the speach therapy? I had my last speach therapy session about a week ago (the therapist believes the only thing I have to do from now on is just talk to people with my new voice).

When I entered, the secretary seemed to be happy to see me. So I asked the her why didn't she answer the 2 messages I left her. She told me that she doesn't check the voicemail at home for some reason, and doesn't remember receiving any SMS from me. She said she's sure we'll meet again. But yet, she didn't answer any of the messages I left her yesterday. Once again, I just can't understand girls...

There was the other girl from the folk dances, who came here from Holland, and she looks nice and maybe she's even attracted to me, but she keeps the Saturday and won't go out during that day. I wonder if I should continue trying on her.

The interesting fact about her is that she's really cute, but it's a concealed beauty, just like the teeth in the batman logo. If you look on her on the first time you're most likely to turn away due to a disturbing feature in her face, but after you dance with her, you stop noticing that feature and her face starts looking beautiful. But besides of her beauty, I'm not sure I've got a lot to talk with her about, and that religion stuff is a real turnoff.

And now for the conflict: If I want to go out with that girl, I've got only one movie to see with her - Die Another Day. Which is kinda crappy, but there's nothing else to see in the cinema nowadays. But.. I seemed to have promised to go to that movie with another girl, and that girl (let's call her Suzan) seems to be repulsed from me, and yet she wants to see a movie with me. So what should I do? Tell Suzan I have to break my promise because she's not attracted to me?

One of my friends (not MercuryFillingsFan) is selling his Golf '02 (2000cc) tomorrow, because it costs too much to own it, so he wanted me to drive it so I'll know how it feels like.

I was glad to drive it, because I like driving, but it was irresponsible of me to do so, since I have no 3rd side or damage insurance when I drive it.. and as you know, I'm a bad driver. Really bad! The only accident I've been involved with was not my fault (someone lost the brakes and raped my car), but so far I manged to damage 3 parking cars.

So luckily, the driving passed smoothly, but I was too lazy to adjust the left side mirror, and it was very stupid of me, since I had problems seeing what's coming from the left side of me. I promise I'll never neglect that again.

And on the romantic subject: Yesterday I asked a girl from the psychometric course if she wants to do anything on that day, and she told me she's already dating someone. I was so disappointed, because she was showing attraction signs.. she leant on me several times and I could feel her lovely bosom on mine. Girls, go figure.

But today, I'm supposed to go to a birthday party by the same guy who organized the Purim party. If the same people will be there, then it's going to be very lovely.